Star Trek - TOS
Nyota Uhura and the Wheel of Misfortune
by David Elvy
(de006d6439@blueyonder.co.uk)

Nyota Uhura and the Wheel of Misfortune

"Captains Log: Stardate 75...ouch…! 19...err...Point 1.

The Enterprise has been the first Starfleet vessel to have permission for shore leave on the planet of Yalmandra Prime. Every member of the crew is taking leave and it all seems to be...passing...ooohh...without any...umm...incident and has so far fostered good...relaaaaations ...with the planets governing...author...owwwww!"

* * *

"Ships Log: Stardate 7519.2

Lt. Commander Uhura Recording.

Captain Kirk has placed me in temporary command of the Enterprise following an outbreak of a mystery illness amongst all male members of the crew. As a precautionary measure I am recalling all personnel back to the ship until we can clarify the situation."

* * *

Chief Medical Officer's Log: Stardate 75192

Sickbay is being overwhelmed by calls from every male on board reporting severe gastric related problems...oh no. This includes all non-Terran crew as well, even Vulcans...argh...mustn't laugh...Food and water samples from the planet are currently being anal...whoa...that was bad...ysed...to identify the source of the...the...CHRISTINE! Oh, dammit... too late.

* * *

Medical Log: Stardate 7519.2

Dr. Christine Chapel Recording

Dr. McCoy has now been...immobilised by the gastric illness and I have assumed charge in sickbay. Standard medication and fluids are being distributed to all afflicted personnel, but until we get the results back from the sample testing, a final remedy cannot be manufactured. Whilst in no way life threatening to any species, this illness causes a large degree of...inconvenience."

* * *

Nyota Uhura felt very comfortable in the Captains chair. She slowly looked round the bridge, soaking in the feeling of being in that position. Things, however, looked slightly askew, mainly owing to a small bridge complement staffed entirely by female officers. She knew that one day the chance would inevitably come to take 'the' chair, but she never thought that it would be so soon and definitely not under these circumstances.

Uhura felt herself grinning, just thinking of all those poor men involuntary confined to a small cubicle in their quarters, that's if they were lucky to get that far. She shuddered as the image played in her thoughts. To get rid of it she flicked the intercom on the chair.

"Uhura to sickbay."

"Sickbay, Chapel here."

"Christine, how's it going down there?" Uhura asked.

"Busy." Chapel responded, "There's never a man around when you need one."

Uhura laughed gently, "Oh you are so right. Are the tests complete yet?"

"I was just about to call you actually." Chapel paused for a moment obviously scanning through the findings. "Food and water both contain traces of an unknown substance. I've been in touch with the primary medical facility on Yalmandra and they can confirm it's called Ziminiol. Its unique to this planet and the locals have obviously built up a natural defence. Unfortunately, nobody else in the galaxy has."

Uhura nodded to herself. "Any idea how long it will last?"

"If untreated, approximately 24 hours." Chapel replied.

"Well I guess that sums it up." Uhura said. "Can you come up with an antidote?"

"What, apart from a large supply of corks you mean?" They both laughed out loud, unable to contain themselves any longer. Uhura noticed that the officers at helm and navigation had their heads down, their bodies shaking with barely repressed hysteria.

"We can begin straight away Lieutenant," Chapel replied, attempting to sound more formal, "But it will take about 4 hours at least to have any noticeable effect. It really depends on individual metabolism."

"In Scotty's case make that 8 hours then." Uhura said jokingly.

"Well, you say that, but Scotty is the only one we haven't had a report from."

"That's odd." Uhura pondered. " I could never imagine Mr. Scott declining a taste of the local delicacies."

"Yes, and the food as well." Chapel replied drolly.

"Dr. Chapel, please, behave yourself." Uhura teased. "Seriously though, I'm a bit worried about Scotty. Look, you carry on doing what you have to do and I'll locate our errant Chief Engineer. I'll send your findings through to the Captain's quarters...don't think he's in a position to talk just now. Can you keep me updated please?"

"Understood, Nyota. Sickbay out."

Uhura frowned, considering her next move. After a moment, she toggled the intercom again. "Uhura to transporter room."

"Transporter room. Ensign Godfrey here."

Uhura had been instinctively expecting the calm clipped tones of Lt. Kyle, not the excited, eager to please tones of a wet behind the ears Academy Graduate.

"Ensign, have all personnel from the planet been beamed back and accounted for?" she asked.

Godfrey hesitated, "Well, Lieutenant, it's been a bit difficult manually accounting for them."

"Why is that?" Uhura asked curtly.

"They all...all the men that is...sort of ran off the platform and out the door as soon as they materialised."

"Yes, I can understand that Ensign." Uhura acknowledged sympathetically. " In that case, can you check transporter record logs? I need to know if there's anyone still down there who shouldn't be."

"Aye Lieutenant." After a few quiet moments, Godfrey had found the information.

"Lieutenant, according to the transport signature logs, there is only one person who has not beamed back up."

"Let me guess." Uhura interjected. "Chief Engineer Scott."

"Yes, that is correct." Godfrey confirmed.

Trust Scotty to still be down there Uhura thought. It would take a planet wide cataclysm to tear him away from shore leave.

"Ensign Godfrey, contact security and have a couple of their available people meet me in the transporter room immediately. Also, get a lock on Mr. Scott's communicator signal. I'll be there straight away."

"Aye Lieutenant."

Uhura flicked off the intercom and made her way to the turbo lift. "Ensign Kerkham," she said to the officer at the helm, "You have the conn."

Two female security personnel were already in the transporter room when Uhura arrived. Wearing their distinctive protective uniform and helmets, they looked as formidable as their male counterparts.

They snapped to attention as she strode in. "Ensigns Malcolm and Griffin reporting as ordered." one of women stated. Uhura recognised them as regular attendees at the impromptu performances that she and Spock entertained the crew with these days. It was only then that a rancid, death like stench assaulted Uhura's sense of smell.

"What is that stink?" she asked, putting her hand over her nose.

"Er...leftovers I suppose." Godfrey answered, unsure exactly how to explain it.

Uhura looked at her quizzically. "What do you mean 'leftovers?"

Godfrey looked a bit flustered and her face went a nice shade of red. "Um...leftovers from the landing parties Lieutenant."

Uhura's eye widened in disbelief, as she understood what Godfrey was tactfully trying to tell her. "You don't mean...?"

Relieved, Godfrey nodded enthusiastically. " I know I said that they all tended to rush out, but not without some of them leaving their mark, so to speak. I've turned the venting units to full power as well."

"Oh my god, that's just gross." Malcolm blurted out. "Typical men, not being able to exercise at least some degree of control of their bodily functions!!"

"You didn't say that the other night, Alex." Griffin teased, smiling broadly. "As I remember, you were very complimentary about Sven's self control."

Uhura would have liked to hear more, but it would have to wait for another time. "Ladies, has Ensign Godfrey briefed you on the situation?" she asked.

They both nodded in unison.

"In that case" Uhura continued, "Phasers on stun." God that felt so good.

Malcolm and Griffin, all business now, drew their phasers swiftly and smoothly then took up position either side of the platform.

"Communicator signal located and locked on." Godfrey announced efficiently.

"I want a 6 foot inclusion around that signal please." Uhura ordered.

Godfrey tapped the controls "Done."

Uhura took a deep breath. "Okay, energize".

Godfrey worked the transporter carefully but confidently. Uhura watched expectantly as the sparkling pattern of materialization began to appear, not really knowing what was going to emerge.

It soon became apparent that what was not going to appear was Montgomery Scott. Instead of the burly Scotsman, a 4-foot tall square box appeared on which was laying an abandoned Starfleet issue wrist communicator. Alarm bells began ringing in Uhura's head.

"That's all Lieutenant." Godfrey stated.

Uhura grabbed a tricorder from the transporter station and approached the platform. "Damn it Scotty, what the hell has happened to you?" She muttered under her breath.

The box looked innocuous enough, a simple metal container with a door at the front, rather like an old style cooling unit that she can seen in historical records.

"Better check that there's no jack-in-the-box that's going to surprise us." Uhura said to the two guards as she waved the tricorder at the object. She checked the readings. "No life signs thank god. Curiosity compels me to open it up people. Everyone agree?"

The other three women nodded vigorously.

There was a simple latch on the door that Uhura lifted cautiously. The other's watched intently as she slowly opened the door and peered inside.

"Oh my God!!"

At Uhura's sudden exclamation, Malcolm, Griffin and Godfrey moved as one to assist their senior officer.

Uhura was crouched down, her head inside the darkness of the container.

"Lieutenant, are you all right?" Griffin asked, her trigger finger poised and ready. Uhura emerged from the box. "Yes, I'm fine. Stand down." She stood up holding two disturbing looking items.

In one hand she held what appeared to be some kind of mask. But it was no ordinary mask. This one was made out of a thick rubber material and only had small narrow slits for the eyes, nose and mouth and was obviously designed to cover the entire head. In the other hand she held a thick, black, lethal looking whip.

A collective gasp went up from the group. "And that's not all." Uhura told them. "Look inside."

The trio immediately ducked down and peered into the interior of the mysterious box. What they saw turned their stomachs.

Attached to the rear interior wall was a set of thick, heavy manacles and there, underneath them, was a pile of clothing that was, unmistakably, a Starfleet Engineers uniform.

Godfrey, Malcolm and Griffin stood up slowly, their faces ashen and turned toward Uhura.

" There is no doubt," Uhura stated grimly, "Mr. Scott is in terrible danger. We have to rescue him immediately."

Uhura had formed her landing party within minutes. Malcolm and Griffin were obvious choices and they were now joined by two other security officers: Longfield and Manson. Ensign Godfrey had volunteered to join the team, as she was so outraged at the barbarity of any civilization that could condone the use of such methods to torture any citizen. Also, if she didn't get away from the offensive odour clinging to the transporter room, she would be violently sick. The last person to join the team was Christine Chapel.

Uhura and Chapel were looking with concern at the box that now been taken off the platform. "On the basis of this, I don't know what condition we're likely to find Scotty in." Uhura explained. "We must be prepared for any medical emergency."

Chapel nodded absently, her gaze fixed on the object and its bizarre contents. "Absolutely. Er... Nyota, hate to mention this right now, but what about the Captain?"

"I have managed to speak to the Captain." Uhura reassured her. "I could hardly hear him." Her voice softened and she spoke into Chapel's ear. "Between you and me, I think he was stuck on the...well, you know...and was shouting into the intercom."

Chapel bowed her head in understanding. "Oh I see. What did he say?"

"I think he must be quite ill and delirious. He was shouting 'leave him alone!' again and again. I guess the last thing he needs right now is the thought of Scotty being hurt."

Uhura turned to face her team. "Right, let's go. We're beaming down to the location from where we beamed up this...thing, as I'm guessing that Mr. Scott is nearby.

Be prepared for anything." She turned to the young transporter technician. "Ensign Godfrey, I want a visual record of everything that happens down there. We may need it as evidence later."

Godfrey nodded looking slightly nervous now.

Uhura mounted the pad. "Okay, Phasers on stun." She nodded at the relief transporter operator, who had obviously been forewarned as she was sporting a very large nose plug. "Beam us down."

The landing party materialized with weapons drawn and tricorders at the ready. But they were instantly stopped in their tracks, by the decor and contents of the room that they now found themselves in.

Fortunately, the place was devoid of life, otherwise any hostile force could have taken advantage of the landing parties moment of hesitation as they absorbed their surroundings.

They were in what only could be described as a medieval dungeon, complete with dark, cold, stone walls dripping with some unpleasant liquid and a dank, rotting smell pervading the whole area. The chamber was pitch black, which only added to their unease.

"This is worse than I thought." Uhura spoke aloud. " I didn't think that this society was pre-industrial."

"It's not." Godfrey responded. "I was down here before the recall. From what I saw, it's quite an advanced culture, very appreciative of art and culture."

Chapel was examining with distaste some green coloured substance oozing down a wall. "Oh yes, very appreciative."

"I think I've found a light source." Manson called, her figure a dark shadow in the gloom.

Uhura squinted as a sudden blaze of white blinded her for a second. As her eyes adjusted, she could hear gasps of horror from various members of the landing party. When she was able to properly focus, she could understand why.

This wasn't just an ordinary dungeon, it was a torture dungeon, and with some of the most terrible devices of pain and suffering that she was ever likely to see. The walls were decorated with chains, more manacles and small spherical cages. In the centre of the room were large wooden tables with iron restraints at either end and, next to each table, were stands that held a wide selection of whips, pokers and other devices totally unfamiliar to any of the Enterprise people.

Uhura suddenly realised that she was standing next to an adult shaped upright casket of some kind. As she brushed past it, the door must have been slightly ajar, as it swung open with an ominous creak. Once again, her intense curiosity knew no bounds and she gingerly peeked inside only to be confronted by sharp rusted metal spikes protruding from the inside of the door. With a sharp intake of breath, she looked around to make sure that nobody was watching and quietly closed it up again.

Suddenly, Godfrey announced, "I'm picking up a human life sign. It's coming from..." she focused on the tricorder pacing slowly about the room, "...over here." She found herself standing before a plain wall. "It's on the other side," she explained.

One of the security officers, Longfield, stepped forward. "Hidden access. Let me have a look."

Longfield was from a colony planet, Trycana. There, through the necessity of searching for over a 100 years for life saving minerals and sources of energy, the colonists had developed an incredibly heightened sense of tactile awareness. Longfield began to feel the wall with the very tips of her fingers, her concentration evident. After a few moments she pointed to a section of the wall that basically looked no different to any other.

"The door is here." She informed them. "But I can't feel the opening mechanism. I'd imagine that its located elsewhere in this room."

Uhura was just about to give her next order when Longfield suddenly interrupted. "Hold on, I can hear something." She put her ear to where she had pinpointed the doorway and listened intently. Without saying a word, she motioned to Uhura to join her. Uhura pressed her ear up to the damp wall shrugging off the unpleasant feeling as she did so. As she directed her hearing, she too became aware of a sound from the other side of the partition.

It was muffled and quite faint, but nevertheless quite distinctively male in origin. "MMMMM!!" The voice sounded. "MMMMM!!"

Uhura could not make out any words, just a repetitive pained plea for some kind of release.

"Sounds in agony." Uhura observed, her heart knotting at the thought of her friend and comrade being harmed. "That's it. I've seen and heard enough. We're going through. Longfield, Manson, get us in there on the double."

With practiced ease, the two officers directed their phasers on a narrow beam setting at the location pinpointed by Longfield. The thin red lasers began to draw their individual lines in the stone.

Uhura addressed her team. "I'll lead the way. Malcolm, Griffin, Dr. Chapel and Godfrey to follow." She indicated Manson and Longfield who were still working away. "You two stay here and protect our backs. Everyone understand?" There was a profusion of nods.

A few moments later, which seemed like an eternity, the two security women stepped back with some degree of satisfaction at their work. A rough person shaped outline glowed red in the wall.

"Do you wish us to open it up for you Lieutenant?" Longfield asked with a twinkle in her eyes.

"Please do." Uhura replied, her grip tightening on her phaser.

Manson and Longfield stood directly in front of the makeshift door, exchanged knowing looks, then simultaneously drew back their right legs and thrust them forward with incredible power and precision.

The wall didn't stand a chance and admitted defeat to the not so gentle persuasion of the reinforced boots of Enterprise security. Uhura looked into the gap and could see that it led into a narrow, murky corridor, which would hopefully lead them into the presumably secret chamber where they kept their victims.

Now that there was no barrier absorbing the voice, the deep cries of pain could be heard even more clearly by everyone. "I know that's one of our own in there, but we do this by the book." Uhura sternly reminded the group as much for her benefit as anyone else's. "Ensign Godfrey, are you getting all this?"

"Yes Lieutenant. We've got some pretty damning evidence here."

"Good. Let's go." Uhura crouched slightly to enter the hole in the wall, but once inside the man made corridor she found that she could straighten up comfortably. Uhura followed the only route open to her cautiously, but the sense of urgency was gnawing at her constantly, trying to tempt her into rash and unwarranted action. How the Captain can do this every day, I just do not know.

Soon, they rounded a sharp corner and found themselves in another corridor that ended rather abruptly in the form of a crude wooden door. Shafts of light from the room on the other side filtered through small slits in the wood.

Uhura had noted to herself that since they had actually entered the corridor, there had been none of the awful cries from the poor sufferer, which in some ways had made her feel much less comfortable.

Supposing we're too late? Supposing I took too long?

The pangs of doubt were intensifying, when suddenly, the pitiful noise began again, more terrible than ever. Uhura took some small comfort in the fact that their quarry was at least still alive, although in what state was yet to be ascertained.

Uhura pressed her face against the rough surface of the wooden door straining to see through the small gaps in an attempt to assess the situation on the other side. All she could make out was that something to the right hand side of her view seemed to be slowly revolving with an ominous low rumble. The revolution of the object seemed to coincide with the victims cries and this time, as she heard the voice, Uhura was in no doubt that it was Montgomery Scott who was trapped in the chamber on the other side of this opening.

"OCH...PLEESSH NO...NO MOO...SCHTOP...TOP...I CANNA TAKE NUCCHH 'ORE!!!"

His voice rebounded eerily through the building. It didn't sound like Scotty any more, it sounded so distorted. Uhura had a brief and nightmarish vision of the Scotsman with his mouth bloodied and broken in a tangled mess of bone and teeth.

Anger surged through Uhura's body. She turned to the shocked crewmembers behind her. "We're going in. Stay alert."

Fortunately, the door ahead of her looked pretty crude and flimsy. Without a second thought she took a couple of steps back and launched herself at it, shoulder first. Upon impact the door was smashed off its hinges and thrown into the room.

Counting upon the element of surprise, Uhura went with her momentum and as she began to fall, she rolled smoothly onto her left shoulder then came up to a half kneeling position with her phaser poised to fire. At the same time, she was aware of Malcolm and Griffin bursting through the doorway then, as soon as they were in, separating to cover as much area as possible.

Close behind the security guards came Christine with her medi kit at the ready and Godfrey with tricorder still firmly grasped in her hand, dedicated to recording everything and anything no matter what.

Uhura's eyes darted about seeking any hostiles, but she quickly assessed that the chamber was devoid of any local life forms. The only objects in the room were a large wooden wheel like structure and an old table in the corner with a jug of what looked like water and a couple of old cups sitting on it.

"All clear!" Malcolm confirmed.

With the prospect of any immediate resistance now gone, Uhura could now focus her attention on freeing their shipmate. She had landed in a position behind and to the right of the wooden structure and as she stood up, she noticed that Malcolm, Griffin, Chapel and Godfrey were standing directly in front of it, totally expressionless, but with their jaws agape at whatever terrifying sight was confronting them. Godfrey was holding the tricorder high up in front of her, as if using it to ward off some unseen evil, her hand visibly shaking with fear.

Uhura approached them fearing the worst. "What is it? What's happened to him?"

"It's... OK, Nyota." Chapel reassured her. "He's fine...I think."

Not content with that, Uhura rushed round to the front of the wheel only to be confronted with something that nobody should ever really have to see.

Something that would indent itself on her memory for many years to come.

Something that took her breath away in one fell swoop.

It was a pair of fat, hairy, spotty buttocks and Uhura had nearly run headfirst into them.

"Ohmigodinheaven." She managed to blurt out, stopping abruptly, her eyes unable to wrest themselves away from this obscene visage.

But the worst thing of all, apart from this backside with its pimples like eyes staring at her, was the delicate long stemmed red rose sticking out from between its cheeks.

She stumbled back into her colleagues, speechless. Now, she could appreciate the full, amazing panorama.

Montgomery Scott, Chief Engineer of the Starship Enterprise was tied spread-eagled and face first, to a revolving wheel, absolutely stark naked.

"MMMM. ZAT...U?" The voice was a pastiche of a Scottish accent. For a moment, Uhura couldn't work out from what part of the body it had come from and, for a second, she had an awful thought that Scotty's posterior was attempting to communicate with her.

"WHOSIT?" Scotty demanded.

She looked down to the source of the voice. With relief, Uhura realised that the wheel must have come to a halt with Scotty's head facing downwards.

"How could anybody do something like this to a fellow being?" Godfrey asked, tears coursing down her face.

Chapel had been examining her medical scanner. "Well his life signs are fine. Somewhat accelerated heart rate and pulse rate, but otherwise he's in top shape." Chapel glanced at the overweight and prostrate highlander. "Sort of."

"GRRMEORFF!" Scotty shouted.

"The humiliation of it." Uhura commented quietly. "Whoever did this sure knows how to inflict severe psychological damage."

"Hmm. Who to? Him or us?" Chapel muttered.

"Perhaps we should turn him round the right way before all the blood rushes to his head or something?" suggested Griffin, warily watching for any unexpected moves. The women were knocked out their reverie by Griffin's suggestion and they quickly took up position on both sides of the wheel, careful to circumnavigate the rose for fear of disturbing it.

Uhura was grateful for something else to occupy her. "Okay, everyone, let's go clockwise. On the count of three...1...2...3...now!"

Annoyingly, the wheel wouldn't budge. They tried again, but to no avail.

"Doesn't look jammed anywhere. It must be controlled from in here somewhere." Malcolm offered.

They all looked round. It wasn't long before Griffin called up. "Found something. Could be it."

On a far wall above the old table were two simple levers that did not seem to belong to anything else.

"Give it a try." Uhura said, fully aware that time was against them.

Griffin shrugged and pulled down one of levers. Immediately, the rumbling sound returned and slowly the big timber wheel began to revolve.

Scotty's anger seemed to have been suddenly replaced by the "MMMMM." sounds that they were hauntingly familiar with.

"Okay, think you can stop it now." Godfrey suggested, as Scotty's head assumed it's more natural upright position.

Griffin pulled down the other lever assuming quite naturally that this would halt the device. Unfortunately, they were on an alien planet, with an alien set of rules and a gasp of horror suddenly reverberated round the room as the wheel began to revolve at a much faster rate.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!"

"Oh no, we're killing him!" Godfrey was pretty distressed by now, as the flabby naked backside became a wobbly, wrinkly blur as it spun faster and faster.

Soon, Uhura could only tell where Scotty was by the passing red flash of the rose that was somehow still hanging in there for dear life.

"MMMMMM.ZATS...TASTIC!!"

Suddenly, Griffin had a moment of inspiration and pulled on the lever that she had originally used. "There. Think that's done the trick," she said proudly.

"OH..ESS...AS!!" Scotty agreed.

At last, the wheel came to a graceful halt with the back of Scotty's head now at eye level. Uhura then saw with horror why he had not been able to speak properly. A thick rubber mask covered his whole head leaving only narrow holes for his nostrils. The mouth section of the mask was zipped up tight.

He couldn't see, couldn't hear and probably could barely breathe. He wouldn't even know that he was being rescued!

"This is outrageous!" Uhura stormed. "Let's get him down and get back to the ship so that I can sort out the so called 'authorities' on this planet."

Griffin and Malcolm were volunteered to untie the leather restraints that bound Scott's hands and feet. Looking quite perturbed and with barely concealed reluctance they obeyed the order.

Moments later, as Malcolm carefully undid the final restraint around his wrist, Scott fell like a flaccid rag doll to the ground He landed with a squelching thump, the two women having moved away rather cagily as he soon as the last strap came off.

Uhura knelt down cradled his head in her arms. "Oh Scotty, what have they done to you?" She got hold of the end of the zipper obscuring the mouth and tugged it open, revealing a dry mouth and cracked, dehydrated lips.

As soon as his mouth was revealed Scotty spat out a medium sized circular object that landed messily on her lap. "Do you see that?" Uhura exclaimed. "Those beasts jammed his mouth with a piece of fruit."

She looked back down at him and was reasonably surprised when his mouth formed a big cheesy grin.

"Thanks lass," he managed to say between deep breaths, licking his lips furiously to moisten his mouth. "I've never known anything like it."

Uhura nearly wept at the sight of the pitiful, traumatised man before her.

Suddenly, Scotty reached down behind him squirming furiously. Then, with a flourish born of a professional magician, he produced the red rose that had been implanted in his rear end and offered it to Uhura.

" Take this as a symbol of my thanks." He said lovingly.

Everyone in the room grimaced and Godfrey went a deadly green colour, but still kept hold of the tricorder.

Uhura, as the commanding officer, felt obliged to respond to him as any commander would to a psychologically damaged crewman. She carefully took the rose from Scotty making sure she held the flower end and said, "Why thank you...kind Sir." When there was no response, apart from that delirium induced dopey smile, Uhura remembered that the mask was still covering his eyes and ears. "Hold on, I'll get this thing off " she told him helpfully.

Taking care to avoid his thick white and grey moustache, Uhura tugged at a gap under his chin and slowly peeled away the mask throwing it away dismissively as it came free.

His eyes remained closed tight. " I dinna want to open my eyes again. I wanna stay in paradise."

Uhura could understand that he didn't want to see the instrument of his pain; the trauma must be so intense.

"Och, will ye look after me, ye wee lassie." Scotty cuddled up to her, blissfully unaware or uncaring of his nakedness and the fact that Ensign Godfrey was standing over them waving the tricorder from side to side, making sure that she got a good body shot of any of his injuries.

"Of course I will Scotty." Uhura replied softly.

"Och, thanks Uhura..."

Scotty's eyes abruptly sprung open, bulging wildly out of their sockets.

"UHURA??"

He scrabbled away like a manic ferret, an expression of out-and-out fear on his face. With desperation, he grabbed hold of the wheel, curling himself round it as if for support, cursing rapidly in some ancient Gaelic tongue. "Borgus spratt, wha' the bloody hell...minging harpies...I dinna believe...sawhney bloody bean..."

"Scotty, it's OK, it's us." Uhura wanted to comfort him, but it only seemed to have an adverse effect, particularly when he caught sight of Chapel, Griffin, Malcolm and Godfrey all staring intently at him.

"I know it's bloody you!" Scotty spluttered. "That's the bloody problem."

Uhura closed in slowly. "We're here to rescue you Scotty. You've obviously been through hell and we've come to take you back."

Scotty paused for a moment and stared at Uhura, weighing her up with that discerning Scottish eye.

"Are ye mocking me?" He asked pointedly.

It's obviously hit him harder than we thought. "Of course not Scotty. We got here as soon as we realised that you had not beamed back."

It was at that point that things seemed to suddenly fall into place for Montgomery Scott. With a knowing smile, he said, "So, ye ladies are all here to rescue me?"

They all nodded "Yes."

"On account a' the fact I'm bein'...held prisoner and tortured?"

More enthusiastic nods. "Yes."

With an anguished look now on his face, Scotty struggled to his feet. "Pins an' needles...the devils kept me trussed up like a turkey...if I get hold of them, I'll..."

"You'll get that chance later." Uhura promised. "For now, it's back to the ship and sickbay for you."

"Lass, a better idea I couldna think of. " Modestly covering his private area with both hands Scotty shuffled to the group ready for beam up. They all shuffled over to make room for him, trying not to stare.

Scotty obviously understood their dilemma. "I dinna suppose ye have any spare clothin with ye?"

" Sorry Mr. Scott." Chapel answered. " We had no idea that they would have...removed your uniform."

Scotty grimaced uncomfortably. "Och, well. Never mind. Can we just get back now… before they come back for me, ye understand. I wouldna' want 'em to capture you as well. These aliens are ruthless and sadistic."

Suddenly, there was a commotion from the doorway through which they had entered the wheel chamber.

Longfield and Manson came into the room. Between them was the source of the noise.

It was a female, no doubt about that. Her three large breasts were a bit of a giveaway. Once you could look beyond that, you could see that the girl was around two metres tall, with thick, lustrous black hair flowing down to her waist. She had totally black eyes and sharp but attractive features. More noticeably, she appeared to be completely naked.

"Let me go!" she complained, struggling uselessly against the two women. As she did so, her hair swung round revealing her chest area. Everyone's attention was momentarily fixated by the trio of breasts, all apart from Scotty, who was nonchalantly looking around the room with feigned disinterest.

Uhura strode up to the female and said firmly, "Who are you and what is going on here?"

The girl stared the Bantu down with her piercing gaze.

"Lieutenant," Manson said, "She told us that she was bringing these." From behind her, Manson disdainfully produced a small bunch of long stemmed red roses.

"We think that they are probably drugged or poisoned." Longfield added.

Scotty turned very pale indeed and moved carefully and quietly out of sight. But it was too late. She had spotted him.

"Monty!!" The local woman cried "Monty! What's going on? Who are these nasty people?"

All eyes turned to Scotty. He put his head in his hands. Then he recalled that he was still in his birthday suit and swiftly covered himself up again. As it happened, thanks to the shock, he now only needed one hand to cover up his privates. His face was as red as a beetroot.

"My, er… universal translators packed up." He blustered, trying to raise an iota of sympathy. " I canna make out what she's sayin'. Can we go now? Please."

In their state of disbelief, Longfield and Manson had let go of the female who immediately rushed over to Scotty, wrapping her arms around him.

"Monty, you sly thing. You've invited some friends." She looked over the group. "It'll cost a lot extra, but it'll be worth it."

A double- ended pointed tongue darted out from within her mouth and seductively licked her crimson lips. "Who's next on the Circle of Pleasure?" She indicated the wheel with a grand gesture.

Uhura looked as if she was fit to burst. She wheeled on the stricken Scotsman; her normally tranquil repose shattered "Monty…Mr. Scott. I just cannot believe that I launched a fully armed rescue mission to...to..."

"I never asked to be rescued." Scott offered feebly.

Manson, who so far had been reasonably restrained, had obviously passed way beyond her level of tolerance. She silently walked up to him, face like thunder and jabbed the roses into his chest, then just turned and joined her colleagues, leaving him holding the flattened flowers. Longfield nodded approvingly.

"Let's just get the hell out of here." Uhura fumed.

"Oh, Lieutenant Uhura" Chapel interrupted suddenly, " Just before we go, I think Mr. Scott needs a little sustenance to build up his strength before we beam up. As acting CMO, I don't think he's fit for transport."

Uhura looked puzzled. Chapel continued in dead seriousness. "Perhaps some local food and water."

They locked eyes. Uhura fought off the urge to grin. "Yes of course, Doctor. You are absolutely right."

"Ensign Godfrey." Uhura said, indicating the table in the corner, " I wonder if you could do the honours."

"Why of course, Lieutenant." Godfrey smiled. "It would be my pleasure." She wandered over to the table and poured all the contents of the jug into a cup. She then handed it to Scotty with her most alluring smile. "Enjoy, Mr. Scott. I hope it makes you feel better."

Scott knew that he was in no position to argue. He mumbled "Thank you." and downed the contents in two large gulps.

Malcolm appeared beside Scott and handed him the fruit that earlier had been firmly jammed in his mouth. "Look what I found. You obviously enjoy this local produce, so why not finish it off?"

It was not open to debate. Scotty did as he was told.

When he had finished chewing, Uhura announced. "Do you think that Mr. Scott has had enough refreshment now Dr. Chapel?"

"Most certainly Lieutenant Uhura." Chapel replied with a thin smile. "It should keep him going for a very long time."

The group of women stood together. Scotty extricated himself from his new admirer and, still clutching the roses, tiptoed over to join the waiting group.

Uhura activated her wrist communicator. "Uhura to Enterprise. Landing party ready to beam up."

"Bye, Bye Monty." called the female with three breasts. "If ever you want another ride on my circle..."

Scotty rolled his eyes, infinitely grateful when the transporter effect took hold of him.

As soon as they had materialised, the landing party stepped smartly off the pads leaving Scott not really sure what to do.

"Any chance of some clothes now please?" He suddenly felt a sharp digging in the pit of his stomach that then growled angrily in response. "Och, that hurts."

All the women stood behind the transporter console watching him in anticipation.

"About now then Chris?" Uhura asked innocently.

Chapel nodded in satisfaction. "Oh yes, right about now."

"Miss Godfrey, I trust that you happen to have accidentally left the recorder running."

"Oh dear Lieutenant." replied Godfrey. " I do seem to have left the recorder running."

Scotty doubled up. "What have ye done ta me?" he cried, just as an enormous explosion of sound and smell erupted from his behind, echoing throughout the transporter room.

Scotty didn't know where to put his hands. It was now a choice between covering his genitalia or gripping his buttocks together. Then, as another even more powerful detonation thundered it's way out of his already sore rectal area, the decision was made much easier. He grabbed both buttocks, the roses still in his hand, and ran at top toward the transporter room exit, groaning loudly, leaving a malodorous trail in his wake.

As he passed Uhura, she just couldn't help herself.

"Oh, Monty dear. I think you might need a few more roses than that."

The End.