Voyager
The SS Vairon
by Dave Dugan
(david_dugan@comcast.net)

The SS Vairon

Voyager is still lost in the Delta Quadrant. On the bridge of Voyager, Tuvok intercepts a strange distress call

TUVOK

I am getting a distress signal in old Earth style Morse code. The signal itself is strange. It almost as if someone made a subspace radio out of old chips and tin cans.

JANEWAY

A Morse code signal out here? There shouldn't be any other humans in the Delta Quadrant!

PARIS

What about Amelia Earhart?

TUVOK

The message is from the S.S. Vairon. Apparently their vessel was wrecked and they are now stranded on a planet a few light years from our present location.

JANEWAY

Do we have any information on the Vairon in the computer?

TUVOK

There is very little in the computers about this vessel. The ship's captain was J. Grumby and the vessel had only two crew members and five passengers.

JANEWAY

Mr. Tuvok, give Mr. Paris the coordinates of the source of the distress signal. Mr. Paris, set a course to those coordinates.

CHAKOTAY

Is this a wise course of action? We can't help every Tom, Dick and Harry in trouble in the Delta Quadrant!

Both Tom Paris and Harry Kim look at Chakotay.

CHAKOTAY

Present company excepted.

JANEWAY

We have an obligation to help any humans in trouble. Mr. Paris, take us the source of the distress call.

PARIS

Yes Ma'am.

Dramatic music, followed by a commercial Then cut to opening credits

ACT I

Harry Kim ,Tom Paris, B'ElannaTorres and Neelix are on the holodeck in Sandrines Bar. Paris and Kim are playing pool. A cheerful Neelix is carrying some food with him.

NEELIX

Hello gentlemen. Hello Mr. Paris. I brought you something for lunch.

PARIS

That looks like Chicago style deep dish pizza! There's something weird about the toppings.

Harry starts munching on a slice and then spits it out.

KIM

What did you put on this? It tastes awful!!

NEELIX

I know Mr. Paris is very fond of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So, I used it as a topping for the pizza!

PARIS

Yuk!!!!

Torres starts eating another Neelix creation. She upchucks. The Doctor enters the bar and watches..

TORRES

What is this crap? It tastes like rubber!

NEELIX

Filet of Regulan blood worm in garlic sauce.

TORRES

Gaahhh!

NEELIX

I could make that too!

THE DOCTOR

It looks like Neelix's cooking is a liitle off today.

PARIS

That's like saying Ensign Wildman is a little pregnant!

THE DOCTOR

Mr. Neelix, I want you to report to sickbay.

Neelix looks worried.

NEELIX

Why? What's wrong?

THE DOCTOR

You may be in the first stages of Bad Chef's Syndrome.

NEELIX

Is it fatal?

THE DOCTOR

It's only fatal to whoever eats your cooking.

NEELIX

That's a relief!

Captain Janeway enters.

JANEWAY

I though I'd come down here and play a little pool. It will be awhile before we reach the Vairon.

At this moment, Chakotay calls her from the bridge.

CHAKOTAY

Captain, you'd better come to the bridge. We are being pursued by Vidiian ships.

JANEWAY

I'll be right there. Janeway out. The Vidiians are not going to let me relax!

Janeway leaves the holodeck, followed by Neelix. The Doctor tries to stop Neelix from leaving, but is unable to.

Cut to Janeway arriving on the bridge. Neelix follows her, carrying a cup of coffee.

JANEWAY

Any hostile actions from the Vidiians?

CHAKOTAY

None yet. They are still pursuing us.

TUVOK

The Vidiians are hailing us. They are also powering up their weapons.

JANEWAY

Put them on audio. Raise shields.

VIDIIAN CAPTAIN

Voyager, we want your organs! We prefer Hammonds and Wurlitzers. Prepare to surrender and be boarded!

Cut to shot of Janeway's face showing shock. Dramatic music and cut to commercial.

ACT II

With Voyager threatened by Vidiians demanding Hammond organs, Janeway makes a desperate call to engineering. Kim and Paris arrive on the bridge.

JANEWAY

Janeway to engineering.

TORRES

Chief engineer Torres at engineering.

JANEWAY

the Vidiians want our organs. B'Elanna, could you get the replicators to make lots of Hammond and Wurlitzer organs?

TORRES

I could make Yamaha organs, but not Hammonds or Wurlitzers.

The captain now replies to the Vidiian captain.

JANEWAY

We can give you Yamaha organs. Is that acceptable?

VIDIIAN CAPTAIN

That is NOT acceptable. Prepare to be boarded.

JANEWAY

Close channel. Damn!

NEELIX

Captain, could I give you some coffee?

JANEWAY

Sure, why not.

The captain drinks the coffee, then spits it out.

JANEWAY

What did you put in this? My mouth feels like its on fire!

NEELIX

Ordinary coffee seemed too bland, so I spiced it up a bit with garlic and Tabasco sauce.

TUVOK

Perhaps if Mr. Neelix threatened to feed the Vidiians, they would surrender.

KIM

Definitely. I know from experience.

JANEWAY

That's not a bad idea. Mr. Tuvok, hail the Vidiians. Ask them to beam to our bridge. Mr. Neelix, prepare a meal for our guests.

Neelix enters the turbo lift and heads towards his kitchen. The Doctor calls the bridge from sickbay.

THE DOCTOR

Emergency medical hologram to bridge.

JANEWAY

Captain Janeway here. What's up doc?

THE DOCTOR

Mr. Neelix was supposed to report to sickbay. I believe he is coming down with Bad Chef's Syndrome.

JANEWAY

Do NOT treat Neelix yet. We need his bad cooking intact to defeat the Vidiians.

THE DOCTOR

Understood. They'll gladly surrender after the first bite.

Neelix is in the kitchen putting all kinds of strange ingredients into a pot. Kes enters and they kiss. They pull away. Kes looks at the contents of the pot.

KES

What are you making?

NEELIX

The Vidiians are coming. I am going to give them what they like best. Organs! The meat is sheep's lungs mixed with tribble brains along with filet of Regulan blood worm liver in a lobster gut sauce.

KES

You expect them to ENJOY that? What smells so bad?

NEELIX

That's the week old rancid cow tongue. It's my latest specialty!

KES

Something's wrong with you. You should see the Doctor.

Janeway calls Neelix from the bridge.

JANEWAY

Our guests have arrived. They want to eat.

NEELIX

I'll be right there. (To Kes) Sorry, sweeting, I have to go.

Cut to shot of Voyager in space, with a Captain's Log Voice Over

JANEWAY

Captain's Log star date 53716. The smell of Neelix's food was enough to make the Vidiians back down. Mr. Neelix is now in sickbay, being treated for Bad Chef's Syndrome. We are continuing towards the Vairon crash site.

Cut to shot of Voyager bridge.

TUVOK

I am receiving another Morse code message from the Vairon. It is from the first officer, often referred to as "little buddy". There is also a reference to another group of humans. What are the "Harlem Globetrotters"?

Both Janeway and Paris have a shocked look on their faces. Dramatic music and cut to commercial.

ACT III

Cut to shot of Voyager in space, for another Captain's Log Voice Over.

JANEWAY

Captain's log star date 53718. Based on the latest message from the wrecked ship, I am calling a meeting of my senior staff.

Cut to shot of the briefing room.

JANEWAY

Mr. Paris. You know what the Harlem Globetrotters are, don't you.

PARIS

Yes ma'am. They were a comedic basketball team on late twentieth century Earth.

JANEWAY

Don't you also know who the castaways are?

Paris starts singing using the tune "The Ballad of Gilligan's Island".

PARIS

The ion storms were getting rough. The tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew the Vairon would be lost.

He stops singing and starts talking.

PARIS

I think they're the castaways from Gilligan's Island. It was a silly sit com on late twentieth century Earth.

TUVOK

It is illogical to find characters from an old Earth situation comedy in the Delta Quadrant. How do you know they are from Gilligan's Island?

PARIS

First of all, their captain was usually called the Skipper. His real name was Jonas Grumby. The ship's first officer was Gilligan. The Skipper usually called him "Little Buddy". Their ship had five passengers and was called the SS Minnow. Vairon is French for minnow.

CHAKOTAY

This might be some sort of trap.

JANEWAY

Yes. Once we're caught, we'll laugh to death. Whoever they really are, they're probably human. Who else would know Morse code AND the Harlem Globetrotters AND Gilligan's Island.

They are interrupted by the Doctor calling from sickbay.

THE DOCTOR

Emergency medical hologram to Captain Janeway.

JANEWAY

Janeway here.

THE DOCTOR

I have cured Mr. Neelix's Bad Chef's Syndrome. I had to develop a new vaccine and a whole series of treatments.

JANEWAY

Good work Doctor.

THE DOCTOR

With the combined knowledge of all of Starfleet's chief medical officers, I must be the best and the most modest doctor in Starfleet. Doctor out.

TORRES

Sensors have detected hundreds of small objects ahead. They're made of sodium calcium silicate and cellulite, all under a meter in length. I think they're messages in bottles.

PARIS

Those must be fat little bottles.

TORRES

Well excuse me! I meant cellulose!

JANEWAY

B'Elanna and Harry, I want you to beam some of them aboard and see what they say. Chakotay, If you're right and this is trap, I want a backup plan. In the mean time, we'll continue on course to Gilligan's Planet. Tuvok, tell the castaways we'll be arriving in one day. Dismissed.

As they walk out, Paris starts singing again.

PARIS

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, A tale of a fateful trip. That started from a spacing port, aboard a tiny ship....

Cut to a shot of the transporter room. Torres and Kim are beaming some of the bottles on board. Torres grabs a bottle and takes a small piece of paper out of it.

TORRES

This one says "We are ship wrecked on a small planet just ahead. Whoever finds us will get a reward of one million dollars, signed Thurston Howell the 3rd".

KIM

This one just says "Help!!!! Signed Gilligan".

Torres beams some more bottles aboard. One of the bottles is still moving and hits Harry on the head.

He collapses.

TORRES

Torres to sickbay. I have a medical emergency in transporter room four! The transporter failed to compensate for the kinetic energy of one the bottles. Harry has been hit by one of them!

Cut to a shot of the surface of the castaway's planet. A thin guy wearing a red shirt and a white hat is running towards a thatched hut. Inside, is a heavyset guy wearing a blue shirt and a captain's hat.

GILLIGAN

Skipper! Skipper!

SKIPPER

What is it, little buddy?

GILLIGAN

The Professor says the ship will be coming in one day. We're gonna be rescued!!

Dramatic music and cut to commercial.

ACT IV

Shot of Harry Kim lying down in sickbay. Kes, the Doctor and Torres are nearby. Harry is becoming conscious.

KIM

What happened? I've got a terrible headache. Did I die again?

KES

You are going to be alright. You took quite a blow to the head

THE DOCTOR

You didn't die again. You were merely knocked unconscious.

KIM

What was wrong with the damn transporter?

TORRES

The Heisenberg Compensators must have become uncompensated!

Janeway contacts The Doctor from the bridge.

JANEWAY

How is Harry doing?

THE DOCTOR

Once I treat his headache he will be able to return to duty.

Cut to a shot of the bridge. Harry Kim enters the bridge from the turbo lift.

JANEWAY

Welcome back, Harry.

KIM

I'm glad to be back.

TUVOK

We are approaching the planetary source of the distress signal.

Cut to shot of bridge view screen. Four gigantic arrows are visible on the planet's surface. Two of the arrows point north/south, the others eats/west. All of them point to one spot on the planet's surface. There are also letters visible in that spot on the planet's surface saying "We are Here".

PARIS

Gee. I think someone wants us to find them.

JANEWAY

Since the transporter is unreliable right now, we'll go down by shuttle. The away team will consist of myself, Chakotay, Torres, Kim, Paris, Neelix and Kes. I still think it is inconceivable that we are really going meet the castaways from Gilligan's Island.

PARIS

Maybe. But, the Vairon is listed in our computer records. This IS Voyager. Anything can happen. George Carlin once said. ''The only thing that is inconceivable is the perfect birth control device".

KIM

I have scanned the site. I read seven humans, two monkeys and one watermelon.

JANEWAY

Very well, let's take a shuttle down to the surface.

CHAKOTAY

So, we're going to destroy another shuttlecraft.

JANEWAY

That's the general idea.

PARIS

Before we go down to the planet, we should wear the proper costumes.

CHAKOTAY

And that would be..

PARIS

Shorts and loud Hawaiian shirts.

JANEWAY

Tom, since you're the best pilot we have, you can pilot the shuttlecraft. Chances are, we won't crash.

PARIS

Yes ma'am.

Torres has the replicators make Hawaiian shirts and shorts. The crew puts them on, and then they leave in a shuttlecraft. As the shuttlecraft tries to land, Gilligan is out in an open field, giving them directions with batons on where to land. Gilligan directs the shuttle right into a tree.

CHAKOTAY

Congratulations, Mr. Paris. You just crashed another shuttlecraft.

PARIS

It wasn't my fault! It was Gilligan's fault!

Gilligan approaches the crashed ship in a bamboo pedal car.

GILLIGAN

The Skipper told me to take your luggage. All aboard!

PARIS

You look like the real Gilligan and you sound exactly like the real Gilligan!

The Voyager crew gets into the pedal car. Gilligan starts pedaling. He takes the car to some bamboo huts with thatched roofs. The Professor comes to greet them. The Voyager officers get out of the car. In the background, we can see Mr. Howell playing golf with bamboo clubs. Ginger and Mary Ann hear the Voyager crew arriving and get out of their huts.

PARIS

You must be the Professor. Professor Roy Hinkley I believe. And you must be the lovely Ginger Grant, the movie star.

GINGER

And you must be the infamous Tom Paris.

PARIS

How do you know who I am?

GINGER

Word gets around.

Torres walks over to a bamboo table. She sees a bunch of connected wires, old electronics devices and paper clips. Coconuts with two different metals in them are used as batteries

TORRES

So this is your subspace radio?

PROFESSOR

It certainly is.

TORRES

Very resourceful of you. I've never seen anyone make a subspace radio using paper clips!

PARIS

You guys look and sound EXACTLY like the Gilligan's Island castaways. Are you the real thing?

PROFESSOR

In a sense, we are the real thing. We made ourselves look, behave and sound like the castaways. We even have their memories. 2364 was the 400th anniversary of the first episode of Gilligan's Island. So, for a Gilligan's Island convention we decided to become the crew and passengers of the SS Minnow. We got ourselves shipwrecked, but we didn't think it would take this long for someone to find us.

JANEWAY

Do you have any idea where you really are?

GILLIGAN

I sure do! I'm standing next to the Skipper!

The Skipper hits Gilligan with his hat.

JANEWAY

You are in the Delta Quadrant where no one has gone before. We are the only humans out here.

PARIS

Not counting Amelia Earhart.

GILLIGAN

But we are not human.

THE CASTAWAYS

We are Borg.

GILLIGAN

Just kidding!

KIM

That was REALLY lame!

THURSTON HOWELL THE 3RD

I'll give you TWO million dollars if you take us to Earth

JANEWAY

I'm afraid I can't take you to Earth right now. We are lost in space ourselves. It might take us years to get home. You can come with us and "enjoy" Mr. Neelix's cooking.

GINGER

I thought Lost in Space was another series.

PARIS

Harry, do you want to know what lame really is? What if I told you this was all a holodeck simulation?

KIM

You're kidding! Right?

PARIS

Yup. I am kidding.

KIM

Now THAT is lame!

JANEWAY

Skipper, do you want to come with us? We can't take you to Earth, but we can give you civilization.

SKIPPER

We'll come with you. Who is the guy with the pointed ears?

TUVOK

I am Tuvok.

SKIPPER

Do you have a first name Mr. Tuvok?

TUVOK

Vulcan first names are unpronounceable by humans. However, my first name is so difficult to pronounce, even I can not pronounce it.

Cut to interior of the Skipper and Gilligan's hut. The Skipper is trying to wake up Gilligan.

SKIPPER

Wake up, Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

I had the strangest dream. We were rescued by a starship.

SKIPPER

There aren't any starships! You should know that!

GILLIGAN

Then tell me who are those two guys in gold uniforms.

He points to two men in the hut wearing Starfleet uniforms. The men are in the shadows. They walk into the light and are revealed to be Geordi La Forge and Reg Barclay.

BARCLAY

End program.

The background vanishes. They have been in the Enterprise-D holodeck.

LA FORGE

Reg, that was a very interesting program. I liked the story within the story.

BARCLAY

Glad you liked it. Someday, I would like to meet the Voyager crew for real.

Show closing credits for Star Trek: The Next Generation and for Star Trek Voyager.