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(New Scene: Bridge. Picard is in his chair. Riker is in his chair
with Crusher on his right. Troi is in her chair. Data is at Ops and Wesly is at Helm.
Worf is at Tactical)
Announcers Voice:
Last Time On Star Trek: The Next Degradation
Picard:
Engage.
(to Data)
Mr. Data, tell me about these mimes.
Data:
Recently the Royal Canandian Mime Company has been attacking
traveling ships and plundering them. Though they mostly took
Ferengi Merchanters.
(gives stupid look)
We all know how sneaky those Ferengi are.
This is the first time they have attacked a Federation vessle.
Picard:
And a Vulcan commanded one at that. They must have mime balls of
silly putty. Or playdough at least.
(suddenly the ship is struck and every falls to the ground, except Data, who manages
to stay sitting up. Unfortunatly for his Ops panel, which he practicaly ripped off
its hinges. The red alert klaxon blares and red light flash in the sudden darkness!
Neat!)
Picard:
(highly stressed)
Emergancy lights!
(dim lights come on)
Status report!
Data:
Captain! Engines have failed! We're functioning on reserve
power only!
Riker:
(struggling to stand. pushing Crusher off)
What the hellhappened?
Data:
(giving dramatic stress)
We have been hit by a Mime Mine!
Wesly:
But I'm to cute to die!
Worf:
I am not a true warrior. I am afraid of mimes.
Picard:
(stands and gives dramatic pose for epic type drum music in the
backround. smoke curls upward)
Sound general alert. Prepare to repel borders!
(dramatic drums and music. slight blues rift overtones.)
Announcers Voice:
And Now the Conclusion...
Data:
(very serious)
Captain, the bridge life support system is failing.
There will be no life support for the bridge in seven minutes.
Picard:
(jumping up out of his seat)
Data, isn't there something you can do?
Data:
(resigned)
I'm sorry Captain. Most major control systems have
been damaged. All the ones left are failing. I suggest you
redirect command to Engineering immediataly.
Picard:
(leaning over Data's shoulder)
Damn!
Wesly:
(offended)
Captain, my virgin ears, such language!
Picard:
(exploding)
Shut up! My ship is under attack! And its falling apart!
Now if there isn't something you can do about it, shut the hell up!
Wesly:
(more hurt. pouting)
But I'm supposed to help save the ship!
Picard:
(to the Computer)
Computer, recognize Jean Luc, Captain.
Computer:
(sexy voice)
I'd recognize you anywhere, sweetcakes.
Picard:
(pushing forward)
Transfere emergancy command to Engineering!
Computer:
(cooing)
Say please.
Picard:
(flabbergasted)
What?!
Computer:
(hurt)
Say please!
Picard:
(urgently)
Please!
(new scene: main engineering. La Forge is hunched over the main console facing the
warp core. Engineering Ensign is typing against the right wall)
La Forge:
(very intent on the screen. beeping sounds drift upward.
suddenly the screen lights up and all the controls change.
LaForge jumps back in shock)
AAAAAA! I didn't do it!
Engineering Ensign:
(running over to LaForge)
What is it? Whats wrong?
La Forge:
(shaken up)
I was just playing Tetris and all the stuff just
changed! I didn't do it! It was just Tetris!
(wipes brow)
Oh God, the Captains going to kill me if he finds out I
screwed up the computer with my games again!
Engineering Ensign:
(nodding)
Yeah, he was pretty pissed after that
Street Fighter program got loose in the Holodeck computer.
(thinking)
Jeez, I don't think he'll ever get those stains out.
La Forge:
(turning to Engineering Ensign. (wow thats a long one! Lets
just call her Ensign) mix of fear and anger)
Don't stand there hashing bad memories, do some thing!
Ensign:
(pointing at La Forge)
Hey! I'm just an extra! They don't pay me enough to save the plot.
(glancing over La Forge at console)
You know, those read outs look familiar.
(taps her head)
Think. Think Think.
(snaps her finger and pushes past La Forge)
Yeah! The bridge! These are the emergancy command settings for
command tranfere to main engineering.
La Forge:
(confused)
And whats that in English?
Ensign:
(smacks her head)
Doh! The bridge transfered command down here, dummy!
La Forge
: (suddenly caught in a wash of new fear. starts chewing his
finger nails. all of 'em)
Command to Main Engineering? Oh no, that puts me in charge!
(turns to the control table) I
don't know what to do! I have command phobia!
(turns and grabs Ensign)
I'm just an Engineer! I fix broken things!
Ensign:
(frowns)
La Forge:
(hanging his head in shame. starts to sob)
I can't even do
that right.
(quietly sobs in Ensign uniform)
We're all gonna die.
Ensign:
(soothing. pats La Forge)
There, there, Commander. Everything will be just fine.
Break to theme and Opening Credits
(opening credits and titles! With cool special effects)
Picard Voice Over:
(hushed with awe. you see a comet and planets go by)
Outer Space, the final frontier,
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise,
Her continuing mission, to seek out new breakfast
cereals and new toys inside,
To boldly go where no one else
is stupid enough to go!
(cut away back to bridge. Everyone is shuffling out into turbo lifts.)
Worf:
(standing outside Turbolift, addressing Picard who is inside)
Captain, I will stay on the bridge.
Picard:
Worf, there isn't going to be any air on the bridge in two minutes.
Worf:
(frowning)
A real warrior does not need air.
Data:
I am afraid that is not true, most living organisms breath air, including Klingons.
Worf:
(still frowning)
I will defend the bridge.
Picard:
Against what? There'll be no air! It'll be vaccuum!
Worf:
(still frowning)
I will defend the bridge.
Riker:
(impatient. wants to get gone)
Yeah yeah, its your funeral. Good bye.
(pushes door close button. turbolift doors swoosh shut)
Picard:
(testy)
Watch it Riker, you almost caught my toe.
Data:
Captain, are you not worried about Worf?
Picard:
(absent minded)
Oh? He'll be fine. If he holds his breath.
(new scene: corridor outside engineering. Riker, Picard and Data marching along.
Suddenly three guys in black leotards and painted white faces jump out and attack
them. One of the Mimes puts Picard in a 'box'. Picard punches the Mime in the nose.
The Mime falls flat. Rikers Mimes 'lasso's' him and starts to 'tie him up'. Roker
slams the Mime against the bulkhead and bashes the peckers face in. Datas Mime 'pulls
a gun' on him. Data stares at the idiot and then reaches out and crushes all the
Mimes fingers. The Mime 'screams'.)
Riker:
(straightening uniform)
Wow, what a bunch of wusses. I'll bet even Worf could have kick thier asses.
Data:
I believe those are the Mime Shock troops. They soften the enemy
up for the infamous Death Quads.
Picard:
(wiping white stuff off his hand onto Rikers back)
If those were their shock troops, are they in for a surprise.
(starts to head down the corridor again)
Riker:
(starting to move down the corridor after Picard)
You know, I was always afraid of mimes, but now, they don't seem
so dangerous.
Data:
(also moving down the corridor)
Yes, Commander, the power of the Mime is elusive.
Picard:
(coming into main engineering. sees La Forge and Ensign sitting
on the floor indian style, smoking something. address La Forge)
Commander, what the hell are you doing?
(stops and stands there. Riker come and almost smacks right into Picard. Data
also narrowly avoids hitting Riker)
LaForge:
(buzzed. wheezy)
Hey, dude. I was, like, takin' a chill pill.
Picard:
(stomping forward)
What is that?
(points at the table)
We are under attack by Mimes!
LaForge:
(way buzzed)
Hey, thats cool. Hostile intent. Invite 'em down.
(take a puff from joint)
Picard:
(reaches out an take joint from LaForge. sniffs it. makes a disgusted look)
What is this?
(looks accusing at Ensign)
Where did this come from?
Ensign:
(protesing while buzzed)
Hey! Its just happy weed, command dude.
Picard:
(angry)
I want all of this drug stuff out of here.
(starts swinging arms around)
All your drug paraphenalia out of your quarters!
(Ensign starts to protest again)
No buts about it! All of it, gone! Now, get to it!
The ship is under attack by Mimes.
Ensign:
(mad but buzzed)
Oh man.
(stands up and starts to walk out)
Picard:
(calling after)
And take it all to my quarters.
(aside to Riker)
It'll be 'safe' there.
(Riker grins)
Data:
(stepping forward to table)
Captain, we must regain control of the ship.
The mimes will be all over the ship by now.
Riker:
(puzzled)
I don't get it. Whats to worry about? Their a bunch of pansies.
Data:
(looks at Riker but continues typing at table)
Yes, commander, the first batch are pansies. But these are no ordinary mimes.
They adapt.
Picard:
(slaps his head)
Oh God! Not Borg Mimes!
Data:
Very similar Captain. You should issue a distress call before
its to late.
Riker:
(worried)
But then the guys back at the Fleet will start
calling us a bunch of wimps again!
Picard:
(nodding)
I agree with Riker.
Data & Riker: Y
ou do?
Picard:
Yes, were much to close to the Romulan border to go shouting
that we're getting our asses kick by
(spits the word)
Mimes.
Riker: (points at Picard) Oh yeah! That too.
Picard:
But we do need to get a plan for defense.
(walks over and pushes comm panel. instead on lighting up it pops open. Riker
and Data look at each other. Picard reaches inside and pulls
out a flask)
I mean, it will be any time before those mimes attack engineering again.
(take a swig from flask)
Riker:
Uh, Captain? How...?
Picard:
(holding out flask)
Oh, this? Geordi's Lucky Flask.
(looks around)
Where did he go?
(moans issue from under the table)
Data:
(looking down)
The Chief Engineer has curlled himself around the
Main Engineering Condition Display Table and passed out.
Picard:
(glancing down)
Oh, well, we don't need him.
Wesly:
(suddenly appearing from the corridor)
Hey guys, whats going on?
Picard:
(shoots Wesly an icy look)
Security Guy:
(comes out of hallsway. has white stuff smeared all over uniform)
Captain! I'm so glad I found you! The ship is
being attacked by Mimes! They're everywhere! I had to kill
ten of 'em just the get here!
Picard:
Good work! You hold 'em off in the corridor while we save the ship right?
(gives funny smile and points with free hand toward hall way)
Security Guy:
(puzzled)
But there are dozens of 'em.
(points at Riker)
Perhaps if the Commander comes too.
Riker:
(backing up)
No, no sorry I'm needed here.
(get look from Data and Picard)
In case we have to, uh, uh self destruct the ship!
Yeah! Gotta stay!
(Security Guy shrugs and jumps back into the hallway)
Picard:
(smiles at Riker)
Quick thinking! Command performance.
(takes a swig from flask)
Riker:
(staring at flask. licking his lips)
Uh, Captain? Could I just have a sip of that?
Picard:
(cracks a smlie)
Sure, Will.
(hands flask to Riker. Riker lunges for it and starts chugging)
Hey!
Riker:
(spitting out liquid and coughing)
Augh!
(Picard laughs)
Thats not whisky! Thats cold black coffee.
Picard:
(bemused)
Well of course, what do you think an engineer drinks?
Riker:
(wiping his tongue on his sleave)
Sthcothch!
Data:
(working at table)
Captain! Sensors indicate a spatial distortion near the ship!
Ensign of the Week:
(jovial. walking in from corridor)
Hey guys! Did you see all those mimes? I, mean, wow! Not since I lived that
year in France have I seen so many mimes!
Picard:
(gives look of sharpened steel to Ensign of the Week)
Data:
(urgent)
Captain! A Romulan Warbird is decloaking!
Picard:
(jumping forward. kicking LaForge in the head)
What?! We weren't that close to the Neutral zone!
Ensign of the Week:
Did I tell you guys about the time I lived on the Romulan homeworld?
Data:
(gives Ensign of the Week a quizzical look)
Ensign, no Federationcitizens are aloud on the the Romulan homeworld.
Ensign of the Week:
(snapping her finger)
Thats right! Must've been the Klingon homeworld!
Wesly:
(to Picard)
Why would Romulans violate treaty and risk
themselves to mime contamination. Unless they know something we don't.
Picard:
(annoyed)
Yes, they know when to shut up! Something you need
a better grasp of! (stomps foot) We're trying to save the ship!
Data:
Actualy Captain, Wesly might have a point. I'm reading several
transporter like signals emmiting at regular intervals from
the Romulan ship.
Picard:
(turning on Data)
Don't encourage him!
(hears rest of Data's speech)
Well, how does that help us?
Romulan Voice: (stepping from out of corridor. holding disruptor rifle) It doesn't
help you at all. Tisk tisk. Just when you needed it most. (is followed by Mime Leader
and two mime Death Squad
troops in blood smear black leotards)
Picard:
(along with everyone else, has hands in air)
Who are you? What do want with my ship?
Romulan Commander:
Your ship? Hey, you lost her to me fair and square.
Riker:
(with fuzzy tongue)
Romuthan bastharths.
Ensign of the Week:
(chiding)
Commander! Romulans are peolpe too!
Riker:
(under his breath)
Bith.
Romulan Commander:
(gloating) T
hats right Commander, we're people too.
(cocks her head)
Just, not very nice people.
(points disruptor at Picard)
And now Captain, you go the way of the Dodo!
Ensign of the Week:
(excited)
Hey, I've been there too!
Romulan Commander:
(swivals to point rifle at Ensign of the Week)
Then you will return there!
Wesly:
(screaming)
No! Thats my only chance to get any!
(jump forward and hit Romulan. disruptor goes off and gouges big hole in main
engineering table. Romulan drops disruptor. Death Squad Mime
steps forward and does elaborate Bruce Lee move before kicking
Wesly in the balls. Wesly drops like a brick)
Riker:
(jumps for disruptor rifle. other Death Squad Mime also leaps for
rifle. the two grapple on the floor. Mime Leader 'shouts'
encouragement to his man. Riker manages to get upper hand just
to get kicked in the nadds also. Riker lays on the ground in a
fetal position, singing falsetto)
Romulan Commander:
(wiping blood from broken lip)
Well Captain, a feisty crew you have here. You wanna try something? Or do
you think two is enough for a choir.
(Riker squeaks a profanity)
Picard:
(getting cunning)
Why are you doing this?
Romulan Commander:
(smiles)
Cause it's fun. The Romulan Navy, its not
just a job, it an adventure!
Data:
Yes of course. Travel to far away lands meet exotic people, kill them.
(raises his eyebrow)
Quite a line of work.
Romulan Commander:
And it pays well too.
(picks up disruptor again)
Now Captain shall we try this again?
Picard:
(fliching)
Just tell me why!
Romulan Commander:
(huffing)
Oh, very well! We're forming an alliance
with the Royal Canadian Mime Company and frankly my superiors
didn't believe that mimes would be all that fierce.
(smiles)
So we took 'em for a test run!
(Mime Leader 'protests')
Oh come on Mime Death Quads? That really strikes fear in your heart.
(more 'shouting' from the Mime Leader)
Oh, shut up!
Ensign of the Week:
You're a bad person.
Romulan Commander:
(sighting the rifle right at Picards head)
And you should have stayed in Kansas, Dorthy.
(hear 'I've been there!' in backround)
Killing you will make me an Admiral, Picard.
(starts to squeeze trigger. Picard flinches. suddenly theres a
phaser shot over the Romulan's head and the disruptor is shot
out of her hands! Its Worf!)
Worf:
(gives Klingon war cry)
Pizza!
(is suddenly joined by three other Klingons in full battle get up)
(while Worf sags against one wall, the other Klingons rush forward and kick ass)
(new scene: The conference lounge. Everone is sitting around the table. Picard is
standing. The Klingon Commander Macht-boy, is on the view screen. Data, LaForge Riker
Worf Crusher Troi Wesly did I forget any body? are all there.)
Data:
(explaining)
So after the Romulans appeared, I thought that it
wouldn't hurt to send out a distress signal.
Machts-boy on viewer:
(gloating)
You were lucky that the Floating Bloody Head Of Death
was in the area or else you would had been,
(smiles at Picard)
...French Fried.
Picard:
(coughing)
Yes, well, we'll be operational again soon. And we
got most of the Mimes rounded up. We'll alert Starfleet and
submit a report to the High Council, as per you request.
Machts-boy on viewer:
With the bit about my personaly kicking that Romulans teeth in?
Picard:
(rolls his eyes)
Yes, of course, how could I forget.
Machts-boy:
Die well Picard. Ka Plah!
Picard:
(dismissing)
Yeah, Plah what-ever.
(viewer goes blank. turns to crew)
Now theres the matter of this ships condition.
LaForge:
Oh right! We should have he ship shape in oh, a couple of weeks.
Data:
Geordi, my comprehension for human humor is limited. Surely, you
are making a joke. The repairs needed should only take a day.
LaForge:
(smacks head)
Doh! What was I thinking?
Data:
(gives Picard a worried look. Picard shrugs. Data leans foward)
You know, Worf, you were very lucky that the Floating Bloody Head
Of Death Commander decided to beam directly to the bridge instead
of someplace else. According to my calculation you only had three
seconds worth of air left.
Worf:
(arrogant)
I am a warrior. Besides a true warrior can hold his breath indefinitly.
Crusher:
(rolls her eyes)
Picard:
(uncomfortable)
And now the matter of young Wesly's courage in the face of danger.
Crusher:
(answering for Wesly)
My son says thanks. He'd answer himself
but he'll be hitting the high notes for the rest of the week.
Picard:
(cringing at the rememberance of Wesly and Rikers 'battles')
Yeah, well, don't do it again, I hate saying thanks to you.
Troi:
(sad)
You know its a pity Wesly went through all that to save that
Ensign of the Week, for her to die in a freak transporter accident.
(looks at LaForge)
What did happen, Geordi?
LaForge:
(scratching his head)
I dunno. I think O'Brien made a pass on her and she turned him down.
(Picard gives warning cough.Geordi catches it)
Uh, No. It was horrible! Her pattern got,
like, all buffed, like and the slidy things just went crazy.
Yeah.
Crusher:
(sighing)
Pity, she looked promising. Maybe even regular charecter material.
LaForge:
Oh don't worry, she'll be around for a while.
Troi:
(surprised)
Oh?
LaForge:
Oh yeah! We'll be scraping her off the walls for weeks!
Real messy.
(End music and credits.)
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