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(New scene: Picard is standing outside the doors leading to the
holodeck. He is decked out in his Dixon Hill getup.
Picards Voice:
Captains Personal Log: The Enterprise has recently been
at Starbase 456 uh L, 2, 4. In the time needed to refit
the ship and replace the missing left Warp Naccel, which
was accidentaly misplaced in the last episode, the crew
has had some time off. While Lieutenant Commander Data
may enjoy overseeing the arrival of the shipment of
special Guacamole Dip, I will spend some time lost in
the past. Particularly the fictional past.
Picard:
(stepping forward to address the computer)
Computer, load Picard One.
Computers Voice:
(very feminine)
I'm sorry, this Holodeck is currently being used, sweety.
Picard:
(wincing at the computers voice and term)
Who is using it now?
Computers Voice:
(practicaly cooing)
Commander Riker is in there now, honey pie.
Picard:
(rubbing his forhead in pain. under his breath)
I really must say something to Data about the Computer Personality Generator.
I hate this girly stuff.
(steps forward to enter Holodeck)
Well, Riker won't mind if I join him for a while.
I'm sure he's just doing moose calls on the trombone again.
(almost runs into door. door does not open. Picard irritated)
Computer, open this bulkhead.
Computers Voice:
(concerned)
Are you sure you want to do that? I think Holodeck Three has an excellent version
of Northern
Exposure: The Next Refridgeration on file. I hear its quite good.
Picard:
(becoming very annoyed. smiles anyway)
No, thank you, just open the door to this Holodeck.
(starts toward door again. door remains closed)
Computers Voice:
(more concerned)
Have you thought about reading a good book?
I've been told that a new addition to the E-Space Chronicles has been found.
Picard:
(smiles with ALL his teeth. highly annoyed)
Computer.
Computers Voice:
(completely innocent) Yes?
Picard:
(still smiling)
I'm going to count to ten. At the end of my
count I expect these doors to be open. Or I am going to have
Mister Data rip out all your major circuitry and rewire you into
a food replicator. Do I make myself clear?
Computers Voice:
(silence. slight chirping noise)
Picard:
(smile wearing thin)
Computer.
Computers Voice:
Yes?
Picard:
What are you doing?
Computers Voice:
I am currently reviewing Lieutenant Commander Data's
Personelle file, for capability of rewiring main frame
control circuits into food replicator components.
Picard:
And?
(abrubtly the Holodeck doors open and a smell of sweet
apples rushes out. Picard steps forward)
(still seeing from the hallway Picard steps into the Holodeck, there is a shriek
and Picard jumps back as a half naked woman runs out and down the corridor. Picard,
startled, stares after the exposed female. Suddenly Commander Riker appears, holding
his pants up)
Riker:
(a little upset. waving other hand)
Jeez, Captain! I was just gonna score! I can't believe you! Didn't the computer...
Computers Voice:
(vindicated)
I tried to warn him but nooooooo, he wouldn't listen! Would he listen? Noooo. Not
at all.
Picard:
(slightly embarresed. tries to shift blame back to computer)
But you didn't say what was going on! You were just shifty and vague.
Computers Voice:
(defenseve)
Oh right! What am I supposed to say?
'Hey Captain don't go in there, 'cause Commander Riker
and some pretty Ensign are dancing the Nude Mamba'?
Playing hide the salami? Makin' the bacon? Divin' for
beaver? Sinkin' the one eyed Sailor?
Picard:
(turning beat red from embaressment. to copmuter)
Alright, thank you, just don't do it again.
(to Riker)
Mr. Riker, I think you know the rules better than anyone else on board
this ship. Holodecks are for foreplay only. Intercourse must
be kept to private quarters only.
Riker:
(protesting)
But we weren't really doing anything! I was, uh,
just showing her a scar! Yeah, we were comparing Tattoos!
(suddenly realizing)
Only private quarters?! What about Ten Forward?
Picard:
(now feeling better. having regained his command position)
Really, Will! Its a casual lounge! People eat in there!
Riker:
(not backing down)
And what about that time with you and Crusher in sickbay?
Are you going to tell me that was casual?
Picard:
(angry. getting red again)
Really, Mister Riker! As I have restated several times, I was in the middle of a
medical
examination when you walked in! Performing highly sensitive tests!
Riker:
(angry and amused)
I'll say sensitive! They could hear you two in engineering!
(almost laughing)
Worf was worried you'd dropped your electric shaver down your pants again! ha ha
(burst out laughing)
Picard:
(ready tp explode) T
hat was an accident! And I don't have to explain my actions to you or any one else
in the crew!
I've had quite enough!
(turns and storms away)
Riker:
(calling after Picard)
Best medical staff in the fleet!
Break to theme and Opening Credits
(opening credits and titles! With cool special effects)
Picard Voice Over:
(hushed with awe. you see a comet and planets go by)
Outer Space, the final frontier,
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise,
Her continuing mission, to seek out new QuickyMarts
and new convenience stores,
To boldly go where no one else
is stupid enough to go!
(new scene: the bridge. Riker is in the command chair, Troi is to his right and Worf
is at Tactical. Data is at Ops and Wesly is at helm.)
Worf:
(talking down to Riker. low tone)
So, we didn't score with the pretty little ensign, ay? You own me five bucks?
Riker:
(faking shock)
Worf! I would never make a bet on such a thing!
Treating women like luggage!
(gets weird stare from whole bridge)
And besides, I still have time!
Worf:
(outraged)
Ha! You said you'd make a homer on the first try!
Riker:
(still faking shock. stands for more emphisis)
I would never say something like that!
(again stares from the bridge crew, especially Troi)
Data:
(turing to speak)
Actually Commander, I believe your exact words
were 'frost her beaver on the first stop at the bakery'. For the record, sir.
Riker:
(genuinely mad. points at Data)
Now that was taken out of context!
Worf:
Just pay up Riker! Chill out, its not like you'll never get laid again.
Troi:
(a smidgen annoyed)
Honestly, I don't know what those women see in you.
Riker:
(handing over money to Worf over horseshoe)
You seemed to like it.
Troi:
flaring)
I was very young.
Worf:
(grumbling)
Not any more, babe.
(Troi goes beat red. Riker makes slam dunk noise and gives
Worf a high five while standing on the command chair)
Wesly:
(turned around. kinda wistful. almost whiny)
Wow, I wish could get laid.
Data:
(consoling)
Do not worry Wesly. I have read that
most humans have lose their virginity at an early age.
Troi:
(trying to be motherly. failing)
You shouldn't worry about sex
so much at your age, Wes. You should be learning about life
expiriences. Having relationships.
(brightening up a little)
I hear that the new Ensign of the Week is a girl.
You might try and ask her out.
Worf:
(laughing)
Yeah, if you convince her that she's going to die by
the end of the episode anyway, even you might get some!
(Worf and Riker laugh. although Riker seems more interested in the
idea than Wesly)
Riker:
(done thinking about Ensign of the Week)
Besides, they have to be young and pretty, if their were old and ugly, I'd have to
leave 'em to Picard.
(smiles and winks at Worf)
Crusher:
(magicaly appearing behind Riker)
What was that about the Captain?
Riker:
(nearly jumping out of his skin. turns to Crusher)
Nothing! Nothing!
(Troi smiles. Worf chuckles)
Crusher:
(narrowing her eyes)
Oh really. And where is the Captain?
Worf:
The Captain is in his Ready Room doing inportant things.
Crusher:
Oh? Well, he wouldn't mind if I just pop my head in.
Worf:
Very important things.
(cut away to Picard in Ready Room. Picard is sitting at his desk with a bottle in
one hand and a mirror in the other)
Picard:
(reading bottle label aloud)
For quick results in attracting beautiful women, apply directly to skalp.
Rub in and message with bare hands. Do not ingest.
(cut back to the bridge)
Crusher:
(disappointed)
Oh well.
(gives Riker shifty look)
What were you really talking about?
Riker:
(begins sweating. laughs nervously)
Talking?
Worf:
(saving Rikers hide)
We were telling Wesly how to get laid.
Crusher:
(looking at her son and snorting)
What Him?
(laughs)
Hes a lost cause if I ever saw one!
Troi:
Beverly! Thats your son!
Wesly:
(whining)
Moooom, your destroying my developing self image.
Crusher:
Any self image you had was destroyed a long time ago.
Data:
(attention caught by beep from Ops station. turns to see. in a
serious tone) As much as I enjoy trashing Wesly too, I am afraid
that we are recieving what appears to be a Priority Two distress
call from another Star Fleet ship.
Riker:
(sobering up. sits in chair)
Gimme the low down, Data.
Data:
The message is automated. However bare essetials are included. The
ship has struck a Mime Mine. Oww...
(Data flinches)
Its not very pretty, sir.
Riker:
Give it to me straight, Data. Where men here.
(winks at Troi. Troi glares at nothing)
Data:
The ship is the U.S.S. Marx NCC 2370. Crew, mostly Vulcans.
I am afraid the mine collided on their port side.
(pauses for dramatic emphisis)
The ship has been over run with mimes.
Troi:
(gasping)
Thats horrible, Data!
(turns to Riker)
We've got to help them.
Riker:
(slightly scared)
Ooooh, now, I don't know about that.
I'll, uh, have to get the Captains okay dokey on this one.
Crusher:
(stunned by Rikers inaction)
We have to do something! Those poor Vulcans!
(get funny look from bridge)
Sure, they can be stiggish elitist assholes, but please!
Death by mime is too horrible, even for them!
Riker:
(reaching for intercomm)
Still, I don't want to unreasonably endanger the ship.
At least not while I'm in command.
Worf:
A true warrior is not afraid of mimes.
Data:
I am afraid there is more. They are not just mimes, they are
Canandians too.
Worf:
(still deep)
I take that back Commander. You have reason to fear.
Troi:
Canadian Mimes!
(turns to Riker horrified)
We've got to do something!
(clutches on Rikers sleave)
Riker:
(while not minding the female attention, worries about his looks)
Hey, lay off the threads!
(taps intercomm)
Riker to Picard.
(no answer)
Bridge to Picard.
(again no answer. Riker coughs)
I said 'Riker to Picard'.
Picards Voice:
(irritated)
What is it?! I'm busy doing important things!
(Worf gives Crusher a 'see I told you' look)
Can't it wait?
Riker:
I don't think so, sir.
Picards Voice:
(testy)
Fine! Fine! Be out in a minute.
Riker:
(to everyone)
We'll just let the Captain handle this.
(everyone rolls their eyes)
(Just then Picard walks out of his Ready Room wringing his hands. He walks straight
over to Riker and stands infront of him. Riker sheepishly gets up and sits in the
Number Two chair to left.)
Picard:
(annoyed)
Now what was so vital that it would interrupt my
important business?
Crusher:
(slowly sitting next to Riker. cooing)
Why, Jean Luc, you head is so much shinier. It turns me on.
Picard:
(gives weak smile)
Troi:
Whats that lotion smell?
Picard:
(coughs)
Mr. Data? Report.
Data:
Its the USS Marx, sir. Its been attacked by mimes.
Picard:
(more annoyed. turns to bash Riker)
Mimes?! Riker, you could've handled this!
Riker:
(protesting)
But they're Canadians! Canadian Mimes!
(points to Worf)
Worf backed me up!
Picard:
(looks at Worf)
Worf:
(shrugs)
Picard:
(resovled)
Fine. Ensign Crusher lay in an intercept course.
Wesly:
Yes, sir. This is fun! I'm flying the ship! I'm pushing all these
flashing buttons!
Picard:
(to Crusher)
I though you lowered his sugar intake.
(Crusher shrugs)
Wesly:
Course laid in, sir.
Picard:
Engage.
(to Data)
Mr. Data, tell me about these mimes.
Data:
Recently the Royal Canandian Mime Company has been attacking
traveling ships and plundering them. Though they mostly took
Ferengi Merchanters.
(gives stupid look)
We all know how sneaky those Ferengi are.
This is the first time they have attacked a Federation vessle.
Picard:
And a Vulcan commanded one at that. They must have mime balls of
silly putty. Or playdough at least.
(suddenly the ship is struck and every falls to the ground, except Data, who manages
to stay sitting up. Unfortunatly for his Ops panel, which he practicaly ripped off
its hinges. The red alert klaxon blares and red light flash in the sudden darkness!
Neat!)
Picard:
(highly stressed)
Emergancy lights!
(dim lights come on)
Status report!
Data:
Captain! Engines have failed! We're functioning on reserve
power only!
Riker:
(struggling to stand. pushing Crusher off)
What the hell happened?
Data:
(giving dramatic stress)
We have been hit by a Mime Mine!
Wesly:
But I'm too cute to die!
Worf:
I am not a true warrior. I am afraid of mimes.
Picard:
(stands and gives dramatic pose for epic type drum music in the
backround. smoke curls upward)
Sound general alert. Prepare to repel borders!
To be continued!!!
(End music and credits.)
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