The Next Generation
Return of the Icons
by Dave Dugan
(david_dugan@comcast.net)
Return of the Icons
Worf and another Away Team (tm) member are running away from something on a planet. They go through city streets that look like those of early 19th century Earth. Worf gets trapped between buildings by "A bunch of prehistoric characters in robes". He tweeks his communicator.
WORF
Enterprise. One to beam up!
As he does this, the guys in robes aim hollow tubes at him, to the sound of nifty special effects. Soon after, he is beamed up the Enterprise.
Cut to transporter room in the Enterprise.
Chief O'Brien is operating the controls. Wesley ( or Weasley ) is with him. Wesley is on spring break from the Academy. Worf beams aboard. He is acting like a spaced out Moonie.
WORF
Ah! Peace and contentment. May you also have the peace and contentment of Hedruum. Want to make a donation? Or would you rather buy a flower?
WESLEY
Crusher to bridge! Send a medical team to transporter 4!
DR CRUSHER
This is your mother, Wes. What's wrong?
WES
Worf is saying things like peace and contentment. I've never seen him use those words without barfing!
Dramatic music. Then cut to opening credits, followed by a commercial
ACT I
Shot of the Enterprise orbiting a typical planet, with the standard Captain's Log voiceover.
PICARD
Captain's log stardate 2323.23. While investigating < fill in name > a member of the Away Team (tm) has been taken over by some force on the planet. Since this is a dramatically tense moment, I am calling a meeting of my senior staff ( plus Wesley ).
Cut to interior of conference room. All the major cast is there, including Wes. Worf has a vacant looking smile on his face. Next to Worf is Dr. Crusher.
PICARD
Before we start, I'd to point that Wesley will be Acting Ensign during his spring break with us..
DATA
Strictly speaking, aren't we all acting? ( with puzzled look )
WES
Data! You just told a joke and used a contraction!
DATA
No I didn't.
PICARD
Never mind! We more urgent business! Dr. Crusher, what have you found?
DR CRUSHER
I've examined Worf and there is nothing physically wrong with him. But, as you can see, he isn't acting like himself.
DATA
Then, who is he acting like? Marlon Brando?
The others glare at Data for a second, then attention goes back to Dr. Crusher.
DR CRUSHER
He still talks of peace and contentment. As Worf would say, "A Klingon would not say such things!". It almost as if Worf were brainwashed. And he's smiling!!
TROI
I have tried to contact Worf's mind. He is under extremely powerful control. The question is: who or what is controlling him.
Worf gets up from his chair.
WORF
You must also join Hedruum!
RIKER
Who is Hedruum?
WORF
Hedruum is wise. He is all seeing, all knowing, all smelling! He brought us back to a time of peace and tranquility. You will join him and become part of The Head.
RIKER
Why The Head and not The Body?
WORF
Hedruum does not have a body! He only exists from the shoulder up. You will be absorbed into The Head.
PICARD
I would like to meet this Hedruum. Number One, form an Away Team. I will accompany you.
RIKER
You can't! You could be in danger!
PICARD
Why not? I can look after myself. I think you keep on turning down promotion after promotion so that you can still lead away teams and have fun exploring!
RIKER
Data and Geordi will also be in the team.
PICARD
Wes, come along and look after Mr. Data. If he's using contractions then there is either something wrong with him or ...
WES
Or what?
PICARD
Or the writers are just being inconsistent again. Tell Mr. O'Brien to have the proper costumes ready. Dr Crusher, look after Worf.
Cut to shot of a town on the planet's surface.
The Away Team beams in view of several people who just walk by and ignore them. The townsfolk all have the look of vacant contentment. One of them walks up to the away team, noticing that they somehow look different.
TOWNSMAN
You be strangers, come for the Festival, Eh?
PICARD
Er, ... yes.
Data starts playing with his tie. Geordi LaForge notices and bumps Data with his elbow.
TOWNSMAN
But some of you be stranger than others. Like the pale white man behind you. Where do you come from?
PICARD
We come from the valle .....
He is interrupted by Data.
DATA
We come from the little house on the prairie.
REST OF AWAY TEAM
Oh no!!!
LAFORGE
I think it's time I ran a level 1 diagnostic on Data.
PICARD
Agreed!!
Dramatic music, and cut to commercial.
Star Trek: The Next Generation
"Return of The Icons"
ACT II
After Data's strange remarks, Geordi LaForge opens up a flap on Data's head and examines the circuitry. After a few minutes, he gets up and shakes his head.
LAFORGE
There is nothing wrong with Data's circuitry, at least as far as I could see.
PICARD
What's that supposed to mean?
LAFORGE
Well you try looking through a car's air filter all the time! ( taps on his VISOR as he says this )
WES
So electronically, Data is fine. What about is programming?
LAFORGE
That seems fine too. Its almost as if Data was suddenly given some human qualities.
Something inside Picard's suit beeps
DR CRUSHER
( filtered ) Crusher to Captain Jean Luc Picard.
PICARD
Picard here. Have you found something new?
DR CRUSHER
I've checked Worf's brainwave patterns. They've been altered!
PICARD
How so?
DR CRUSHER
There are transmissions from the planet's surface. They seem to be episodes of a TV series from 1987. And the transmissions only affect people that have been absorbed.
RIKER
Absorbed into what?
PICARD
( clears his throat ) Data, do you know anything about these transmissions?
DATA
The series is "Max Headroom". It was on for only one season. And ....
PICARD
Er ... thank you. Could you tell us what you know about this planet.
DATA
The starship Icon visited this planet approximately 70.21 solar years ago. The Icon never returned and was presumed destroyed.
RIKER
How was that starship destroyed? This planet seems relatively primitive.
DATA
The ship was probably de-iconified.
Riker
has a smirk on his face, Wes twiddles his thumbs and whistles LaForge looks puzzled. Data looks even more puzzled. Picard smirks and shakes his head at the same time.
PICARD
Data, what are we going to do with you!!!
DATA
Well, sir. I am 2nd officer, with a wide variety of analytic skills including ....
RIKER
( interrupting Data ) That will be enough Data. Thank you.
DATA
You're welcome. ( has hang dog look on his face )
WES
( into Data's ear ) Now you know how I felt when they'd say "Shut up Wesley!"
A young women walks up to them and immediately gets Riker's attention.
TULIP
I am Tulip. My daddy has rooms for you to sleep off the Festival. Just follow me.
RIKER
( eagerly ) Sure!
PICARD
What are you doing, Will? Trying to beat Captain Kirk's record?
DATA
That would be hard to do, sir. In 3 seasons and 5 movies, Captain Kirk had over 29 romantic conquests. Of course if you count ...
RIKER
That will be enough Mr. Data!
Data looks baffled. He was just getting to the interesting part.
They follow Tulip to a 3 story building. A sign on the building reads
REGER'S ROOMS FOR RENT
INCLUDING ROOMS FOR THE VERY TALL
( WE HAVE PLENTY OF HEADROOM )
The Away Team and Tulip enter the building. The inside is lit by gaslight. A middle aged man is in the lobby. He is Reger, Tulip's father. Standing next to him is an old man.
OLD MAN
The Festival starts in 10 minutes. Soon the clock will strike the Red Eye Hour.
LAFORGE
The Red Eye Hour? Why is it called the Red Eye Hour.
OLD MAN
Festival starts at 3am. That's why it's called the Red Eye Hour. You should attend. You are too young to be excused!
REGER
( to the Away Team ) You are strangers. You must have different ways.
DATA
Yes. We are from the Little ...
( He is elbowed by Picard and interrupted )
PICARD
We are from the Valley.
Cut to shot of the town clock striking 3 am.
OLD MAN
You must go to Festival now!! Hedruum will see.
PICARD
We don't plan to go the the Festival. I'd also like to know more about Hedruum.
Reger looks nervous, closes the drapes.
LAFORGE
What good will that do if Hedruum is all knowing?
REGER
It looks very dramatic and adds to the tension of the scene! You must be strangers indeed not to know of Hedruum! Are you ... ( a pause ) .. are you Icons?
DATA
Does it look like we have come from a Greek Orthodox Church?!
LAFORGE
Data! I should run diagnostics on you again!! Captain I've just detected strong energy readings from this area.
OLD MAN
It's just as it was 70 years ago when Hedruum pulled a mighty ship from the sky!
PICARD
This can't happen! This is Star Trek: The Next Generation, not the original series!!! We can't have the ship pulled down by a strange force. Besides, my chief engineer isn't even on the ship!
Suddenly a large image appears in front of them. It looks like the head and shoulders of a man and looks computer generated. It speaks with a studdering voice.
HEDRUUM
I am Hedruum. M M M Max Hedruum. But, you can call me Max. You are n n not of The Head. You should be in Festival and h h h h h having fun, fun, fun! You will b b be absorbed like spilt Coke into a paper towel. Catch the wave, Coke!
PICARD
Surely we can have a reasonable discussion about this.
As Picard says this there is a bright flash. The scene vanishes and is replaced. The Away Team, plus Bev Crusher and Troi now find themselves abord a Romulan ship. Commander Tokalot is about to question them.
RIKER
Oh NO!! Not again!!!!!
TOKALOT
I am Commander Tokakot. I must know the location of new Federation bases. You must tell me all you know.
DATA
That would take a considerable amount of time. What category do want first? History? Physics? Tabloid newspapers?
TOKALOT and AWAY TEAM
Argggggg!!!!
Dramatic music and cut to commercial.
Star Trek: The Next Generation
"Return of The Icons"
AKA "Plot Imperfect"
ACT III
An angry Commander Tokalot is glaring at the Away Team after Data's remarks.
TOKALOT
You WILL tell me what I need to know or you will die!!!
DATA
But I can't die! I am an android!
TOKALOT
If you won't talk we have ways of making you talk!
PICARD
This is becoming too cliched!!
While this is happening, Geordi LaForge is taking readings with a tricorder.
PICARD
( in a low voice, into Riker's ear) When was the last time we surrendered?
RIKER
About 12 episodes ago.
PICARD
Commander Tokalot, we surrender.
TOKALOT
Good try, Picard. But that won't work here. You are already my prisoners.
Suddenly, there a flash of light.
This time, the Away Team, plus Bev Crusher, Troi and Worf find themselves in a Holiday Inn.
PICARD
What happened?
DATA
Obviously, the writers could not sustain the last plot line. And so, we ended up here, in a 20th century Holiday Inn. If you will excuse me sir, I'm going to take a shower to clean off my synthetic skin.
Data goes into the shower and starts the water running. He picks up a bottle of shampoo and reads the intructions.
Cut to close up of shampoo bottle showing the instructions.
Lather
Rinse
Repeat
Data literally follows these instructions.
Meanwhile, in the rest of the hotel room ....
PICARD
Dr. Crusher, how did you get here? And how is Lt. Worf.
DR CRUSHER
I have no idea how I got here. It was just in the script! Worf is still spaced out and serene. It is really frightening!
RIKER
( to Wesley) How come you're with us on Spring Break. Why aren't enjoying Surf, Sex and Sun on worlds like Lauderdale 5, Holly's Planet ,Cynthia 3 or Palm Springs 4, the planet of beach bimbos?
WES
( in a low voice, just to Riker ) I can have more fun here. Besides, if I wanted easy sex I'd just go to Counselor Clevage.
Across the room, Troi looks outraged.
TROI
I heard that thought! Wesley, how dare you!!!!!
PICARD
I can't have people insulting my senior staff. Number One, please tell Wesley to apologize.
RIKER
Wesley, you shouldn't say such things about Counselor Troi. ( to himself ) even if they are true.
TROI
I also heard that thought!!! Will how could you???!!!!
She throws a shoe at Riker. Riker ducks and the shoe hits Captain Picard.
PICARD
Please, everyone calm down! This is Star Trek: The Next Generation. We can't have interpersonal conflict between the bridge crew!! We are one big happy family!!!!
Beverly, do you have some helpful comments on all this?
DR CRUSHER
Yes. Troi should go to my acting class!! She really overacted in the last scene!!
Troi looks furious. She gets ready to throw another shoe but is interrupted by Geordi.
LAFORGE
Captain, I think I've found something. It happens everytime the story changes. But I need Data to confirm it.
DR CRUSHER
By the way, where is Data?
LAFORGE
He's been in the shower.
WES
For the last 40 minutes??? Data, why are you still in the shower??
( Voice from behind shower curtain )
DATA
I am merely following instructions for shampooing my hair. See..
He shows them the "Lather,Rinse,Repeat" instructions on the shampoo bottle.
WES
Data!! You're stuck in an infinite loop! Just get out of there!!
DATA
I was starting to run out of shampoo, anyway.
Data turns off the shower, and dries himself.
Geordi shows Data the tricorder readings. Meanwhile, Troi has a pained look on her face.
RIKER
Deanna, what's wrong, what do you sense?
TROI
Part of it is an upset stomach. But I also sense a powerful intelligence. It has been directing all our story changes from the beginning!!
RIKER
You must be sensing Roddenberry!!!
There is a flash of light again. They are back on the Romulan Vessel. Data and LaForge are reviewing tricorder readings again. An angry Tokalot is staring at them.
TOKALOT
Picard, this is your last chance!! Tell my the locations of the Federation outposts.
PICARD
( to Riker ) Let Data tell him. In his present condition, Data will give the Romulans a bunch of nonsense. ( To Tokalot ) Data is an android. Androids don't lie, so ask Mr. Data for the information.!
TOKALOT
So, Data!!! Tell me the location of the Federation bases!!
DATA
The Federation bases are on Lauderdale 5, Holly's Planet and Cynthia 3.
TOKALOT
( looking skepitcal ) You expect me to believe that!!
DATA
Of course! I am an android and androids don't lie or use contractions. Besides, isn't it clever to disguise military bases as spring break destinations!!
TOKALOT
That is clever. Now, You will ........
There is a flash of light again. The scene changes back to the planet of Hedruum. In front of the Away Team is the projected image of Hedruum.
HEDRUUM
Where was I? Y y y yes, you will be absorbed into The Head.
DATA
Captain, Geordi and I can now predict when the next story change will come.
HEDRUUM
Hey!! You interrrrrrupted me!!!
PICARD
( To Max) Quiet!!. Please continue, Mr. Data.
DATA
We monitored parts of the microwave spectrum and plotted them on a graph. The number of traces drastically increases just before a story change.
PICARD
Could you simplify that, Data?
DATA
In other words, just before a major change in story line, ... The plot thickens.
HEDRUUM AND AWAY TEAM
Arghhh!!!
After that, dramatic music and cut to commercial.
Star Trek: The Next Generation
"Plot Imperfect"
Or "Return of The Icons"
ACT IV
On the planet, the Away Team is trying to recover from Data's joke. Hedruum continues to threaten them with absorbtion or worse!
HEDRUUM
The contama ma ma ma nation is strong. The Head must be cleaned, washed and blow dried. H H H Hey, I look awful!! For the good of The Head, your ship must be destroyed!
DATA
( to Picard ) The good of the Head, Captain. That's the key. But what kind of key? An old style mechanical lock? A voice print key? A thumb print key? Or a ...
PICARD
( stopping him ) Thank you Mr. Data! Hedruum, I can not allow you to destroy my ship or its crew. I will use what ever means necessary to stop you.
HEDRUUM
( with smile on his face ) B b b bbut I've got you in bind. Y y y you can't stop me without interfering with th th this society. You'll be violating your own Prime Directive! So There!!! Nyah Nyah, can't hurt me! ( sticks out his tongue and gives Picard the raspberry )
DATA
The Prime Directive was never meant to force the destruction of a vessel. It is a plot device, to be used when essential to the story and to be ignored when it's a nuisance.
PICARD
Hedruum, you're finished!! Your network series was cancelled in 1987! Your talk show was also cancelled. You aren't even in Coke commercials anymore!!! Face it! You aren't a star anymore. For the good of The Head, you should retire!
HEDRUUM
Oh No!! I'm n n n no longer a star. My fans are g g g gone!! Time to go to Tahiti, go and catch some rays.
DATA
Why don't you quit while you're ahead!
WES
Data, that was VERY bad.
The image of Hedruum starts to fade.
LAFORGE
Captain, there is no longer any energy reading for Hedruum. ( looks at tricorder ) Uh oh, the plot's thickening!!!
Again, there is a flash of light. Picard finds himself in a plush 20th century office. He is wearing a suit. Behind a desk in a chair. is a middle aged man in a suit, with an upper crust British accent. There is no one else in the room. There are some gadgets next to the desk including a pack of cigarettes, an umbrella and a rubber duck. The man is drinking something that looks strangely like tea. Picard reaches into his pockets. He finds a plastic card that reads.
Agent 007: James Bond
License to Kill
Expires 12/12/91
Not to be used for cashing checks
PICARD
That smells good. What are you drinking?
MAN AT DESK
Tea .. Earl Grey ... Hot ... Well 007, here are the gadgets for your next mission.
The man picks up a cigarette box.
MAN AT DESK
These are not cigarettes!! They are really miniature ICBMs with anti-matter warheads. Use only if absolutely necessary! The umbrella is a combination deflector shield and lightening arrestor!
PICARD
What about the toy duck?
MAN AT DESK
Oh, that is really a toy duck. Now, there is something I must show you!!
Turns on a TV set on the desk.
On a TV screen is the start of a commercial. We see a Borgified Picard in the foreground. Behind him is a car dealership. Picard ( or Locutus ) starts speaking in an unemotional monotone.
LOCUTUS
I am Locutus of Bob Borg Pontiac. As of now, all models have 15% off their list price. Have bad credit? Credit is irrelevant! You will be assimilated into the Borg Easy Payment Plan. In service, we are Number One. You WILL buy your next car from Borg. Resistance is futile! Borg Pontiac is located on 666 Mobius Strip.
And be sure to see me in my new series, "RoboCaptain".
Picard turns off the set.
PICARD
That was in very bad taste!! Who are you?
MAN AT DESK
You must know who I am, 007.
PICARD
Of course, you're a character from the James Bond novels. You're Q. ( realizes what he just said ) Q!!!!!
The man behind the desk snaps his fingers and becomes Q wearing a Starfleet uniform. The room also has the Away Team, Bev Cruhser, Deanna Troi and Worf.
Q
Hello mon capitan! Comment ca va? Are we having fun yet?
PICARD
No we are not!! We are not toys for your amusement!!
Q
We? Is that the royal we or the psychotic we? Why are you always so hostile, Jean-Luc? You should appreciate my gift.
PICARD
What gift?
Q
The gift is to my "Professor of the Humanities". I have given Data the gifts of humor and of using contractions! Just some more thanks from my omnipotent self.
RIKER
Why all the changes in story?
Q
Most of the plots were so bad that I couldn't leave them around for more than 20 minutes.
WES
But we were in the Holiday Inn for more than 30 minutes. You're being inconsistent!!
Q
Shut up, you bratty kid! Of course I'm inconsistent! This whole series is FULL of inconsistencies!! One of the plot lines was to test you. And you failed!! You violated your own rules!!! Your own Prime Directive!!
Q snaps his fingers. Picard rises up into the air. The floor starts to give way. The others grab on to Picard so that they don't fall.
Q
There you go. Hoisted on your own Picard!!!
PICARD
That was VERY bad!!! Now, please let us down!!!
Q
As you wish! ( Snaps his fingers. They all fall just as the floor comes back )
Crash!!!!
PICARD
Q!! You didn't have to let us down that way!!
Q
You humans always have your petty complaints!!
RIKER
What do you want?
Q
I only want to be captain of the Enterprise! What do you think of that, Jean-Luc? Now you can retire!
There is an angry look in Picard's face. By now, Worf is now back to his normal self. He also looks very angry.
WORF
As a Klingon warrior I cannot let you do that!!
Q
I liked you better when you didn't have a brain. Not that you have much of one now!! What can you do to me? I'm not afraid of you!
WORF
Grrrrr. But there is SOMEONE that you fear!! Guinan!!
Q
Oh No, not her!!
WORF
Why do you fear Guinan?
As
Worf says this, Guinan walks into the room with her space bazooka. As usual, she is wearing an odd shaped hat.
Q
How did you find me? You shouldn't have been able to.
GUINAN
Of course I found you, sleezeball! I'm able to see different time lines, for pete's sake. So I should have no trouble finding you.
DATA
I thought you came here for our sakes, not for Pete's.
GUINAN
Quiet, Data!! ( To Q ) So you want to be Captain of the Enterprise. Why don't you make your own Enterprise and leave us alone!!
DATA
But, Guinan. We don't need a loan. We are not short of resources in any way.
Q is slowly backing away form Guinan. Soon he is backed into a corner.
GUINAN
Will you PLEASE make Data normal again!! Or do I have to use force!
Q
Ok, Ok ( snaps his fingers, there is a flash of light )
GUINAN
Data, say something with a contraction.
DATA
I cannot!
GUINAN
( to Q ) Now, are you going to leave now or ...
Q
For once I like a rushed ending.
Q snaps his fingers and leaves. They are now back on the Enterpise bridge.
GUINAN
Toodle loo Captain Q!!
TROI
Why was Q so frightened of you? I've never seen him so afraid of anyone.
GUINAN
We go back a long way. Q knows I have many powers. You see, I'm his mother!!
Dramatic music and cut to last commercial, followed by the usual misleading promos for next week's episode.
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