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(exterior of the Enterprise as it warps through space and past
the viewer)
Picards Voice:
Captain's Log: The Enterprise has been called to the
Nubari Sector to investigate some very unusual claims.
First on the list is that there is some kind of space
plague that can mysteriously travel through open space
and then through ships hulls to infect the victems. To
add to it there is supposed to be the ghost of infected
ships haunting the area. All we need now is a brave
Ferengi and I would have seen it all.
(cut away to the bridge. Picard in in his chair and Riker is on his left. Data is
at Ops. Worf is at Tactical and Ensign of the Week is at helm!)
Picard:
(adressing Data)
Mr. Data, how long till we reach the Nubari Sector?
Data:
One hour and twenty three minute and ten second and forty seven
milliseconds and...
Picard:
(annoyed)
Thank you, Mr. Data.
Riker:
(grinning)
You know its been a while since I've been in ahaunted house.
Picard:
(rather pompous)
No doubt, I'd imagine that that mess in your
quarters would be frightening enough.
Riker:
(burned)
Well, it should be good for a few laughs at least.
Worf:
(leaning over the horse shoe)
If you want a good laugh, you should take a look in the mirror.
Riker:
(smiling)
Your just pissed 'cause I took all your money with a pair of twos.
(shows his teeth in grin)
Worf:
(growl and snaps at Riker. Riker just beams)
Perhaps we should continue this conversation on the rec deck.
(shows his teeth. Riker smiles)
Picard:
(very annoyed. turns at Worf)
Will you two stop?!! You act like big babies.
(to Worf) J
ust kick his ass and get it over with!
But do it on your own time.
Data:
Captain, I'm reading a ship in our flight path.
Riker:
Finaly, some action!
Worf:
(still angry. mumbling)
I'll give you some action.
Picard:
(to Data)
Can you identify the craft?
Data:
It is on the egde of our long range sensors. It will take a second
to get a clearer reading. However, the ship is emmiting a sharp
signal of some nature.
Riker:
Could it be a distress beacon?
(excited)
Is the ship damaged? Can I lead an away team to
search for survivors? Please! Please!
Picard:
(snapping at Riker)
Not now, Mr. Riker!
Riker:
(giving big puppy dog eyes)
Oh.
Picard:
(in a placating tone)
Perhaps later, you can lead an Away team.
Or maybe order a Yellow Alert.
(Rikers eyes light up)
Worf:
(mumbling)
You're always coddling him.
Picard:
(ignoring Worf)
Mr. Data?
Data:
The beacon appears to be some kind of homing device. Its in a
continuos loop, but not on any emergancy band.
Ensign of the Week:
Ohhh! Cool!
Picard:
(at the Ensign of the Week. annoyed)
Ensign, do you have something to add to this?
Ensign of the Week:
(very happy to be noticed)
Oh No, Captain! But thank you for noticing me!
Thats a big boost for my Underdeveloped
Ego!
Picard:
Thats nice, shut up.
(to Data)
Mr. Data, speculate use for beacon.
Data:
(turning slightly)
I believe its being used for navigational
purposes. Perhaps a shuttle craft is out of sensor range and
uses this signal to naviagte by. Light a primitive light house.
Riker:
(already bored)
Can't we just blow it up and get on with the story?
Picard:
Why do you always insist on blowing things up? This could be
some new race or relic of some past civilisation! Think of it.
Riker:
(deadpanning)
I try not to.
Worf:
I protest! I'm the one who always wants to blow things up!
Picard:
(glancing at Worf)
My apologies, Mr. Worf, for misplacing your
charecteristic on someone use. I forgot about the Klingon
Warrior Cheap Laugh Factor.
Worf:
(puffing up)
Thank you Captain, its nice to know one is
appreciated.
Data:
I have a lock on the ship, sir.
Picard:
(pleased. speaking to all)
Good. Now we can show someneaderthals how Starfleet meets newcomers.
What is the ship, Mr. Data.
Data:
(hesitent)
It is a Ferengi Merchant ship, sir.
Picard:
(face a mask)
Arm all weapons. Prepare to fire photon torpedos.
Break to theme and Opening Credits
(opening credits and titles! With cool special effects)
Picard Voice Over:
(hushed with awe. you see a comet and planets go by)
Outer Space, the final frontier,
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise,
Her continuing mission, to seek out new QuickyMarts
and new convenience stores,
To boldly go where no one else
is stupid enough to go!
(new scene: The bridge. Capatin Picard in his chair. Riker in his. Worf at Tactical.
Data at ops and The Ensign of the Week at Helm.)
Picard:
(still a mask)
Aim phasers on target, Mr. Worf!
Worf:
(making 'Yessss' motion with arm)
With pleasure, sir!
Riker:
(oddly alarmed)
You aren't really going to blow them up are you?
Worf:
(working with sensors. to Riker)
Shut up, monkey boy, before he changes his mind!
Data:
Captain, might I add that the Ferengi vessle is unarmed?
And has no shields?
Ensign of the Week:
Hey guys! Did you know that this button here is flashing!
(highly amused)
And I have no idea why! Ha Ha!
Picard:
(still icy cool)
Mr. Worf, are the weapons ready?
Riker:
(jumping up out of chair. yells at Picard)
Have you lost your bald mind?! Your going to fire on an unarmed vessle!
Worf:
(growling)
I told you to shut your whole! Or I'll wipe up the deck
with your fuzzy bearded face!!
Riker:
(angry. at Worf)
I'd like to see that you ridge headed freak!
Worf:
(yelling Klingon battle cry)
Pizza!
(jumps over horseshoe and lands on Riker)
I'll make you eat those words!
(wrestling with Riker)
Riker:
(hitting Worf in the face)
Your mother was a Romulan!
(gets clubbed across the face)
(suddenly a phaser is heard and Riker and Worf fall in a mass of limbs. Data, who
is standing reholsters his phaser. The Ensign of the Week is nowhere to be seen and
Picard is hiding behind his chair mumbling.)
Picard:
(standing and straightening tunic)
What the hell did you do that for! That was a great fight!
Riker was getting his ass whipped!
Data:
(touching commbadge. chirping heard)
Emergency Medical team to the bridge immediatly.
(to Picard)
Captain, I advise you to report to the Sick Bay.
You appear to be showing signs of extreme fatigue.
Picard:
(jumping in Datas face. spit flying)
Who's the Captain around here? I'm not tired!
(spinning around and jumping up and down)
What is wrong with you people? I feel fine, just grea ...
(collapses on the floor)
Data:
(looks down at Picard)
Data to Security, alert all decks to watch out for...
(Data cocks his head)
...what can only be described as very weird behavior in crew.
Please send all off duty Security personell to Sick Bay.
(up on the top of the horseshoe the turbolift opens and Beverly Crusher rushes out
with her trusty tricorder. Couple of medical guys and a cute chick in a tight uniform
follow her out with a gurney.)
Crusher:
(rushing to Picard)
Oh my poor Jean Luc!
Data:
(sits at Ops and punches buttons)
I am ordering a full stop until with deal with the present situation.
(turns to Crusher)
The Captain was acting extremely aggitated before he collapsed.
Crusher:
(horrified. turns Picard over)
OhmiGod! Data! How horrible!
Data:
(jumps out of chair and looks over Crushers shoulder)
What is it Doctor?!
Crusher:
(still horrified. almost stunned. cradles Picards head in her lap)
Something has happened to the Captain! Something terrible!
(looks at Data. almost crying. turns Picards shiny head towards Data. whispers)
He's BALD!
Data:
(puzzled)
Well of course, Doctor. The captain has always been bald.
Crusher:
(looks down at Picard. tears fall on his face.)
No one told me!
Data:
(pushing ahead anyway)
Doctor, is the Captain emmiting any
strange signals or new type of signs that you can read?
Crusher:
(mad at being the last to know about Picard spot)
How should I know! Do I look like a diagnostics table?
Data:
(suggesting)
Well, you might try you tricorder.
(points at Crushers handy tricorder)
Crusher:
(quiet. understanding)
Oh! Is that what that is! I thought it was the cable tuner!
No wonder I couldn't get the SciFi Channel!
Data: (taking Crushers tricorder)
Hmm, this is very interesting.
(walks over to Worf and Riker, who have been piled on top of each other on the gurney)
Yes. Doctor look at this.
(turns to Crusher. Crusher is sitting at helm)
Doctor?
Crusher:
(rather absent minded)
Wow, one of these lights is blinking!
Data:
(walks over to Crusher and peers over here shoulder)
Doctor, areyou feeling alright?
(glances at control board)
What in the? How long has this been blinking?!
Crusher:
(giggling)
Why does that mean the Captain left his curler on?
Data:
(tapping the control board)
No, in means that one of the warp nacells has come off.
(taps commbadge)
Data to Engineering.
(no answer)
Crusher:
(rather worried) Now, Data, when you say 'one of the warp naccels',
do you mean those big things in the back of the ship that
light up real cool when we go really fast?
Data:
Yes Doctor, I do.
(taps commbadge again)
Data to LaForge.
(Suddenly it gets dark on the bridge. Data looks at Crusher)
I think, Doctor, that we are in deep shit.
(new scene: Sickbay. Picard is laying on the main diagnostic bed. Crusher is hovering
over him with her tricorder. Data walks in with LaForge. LaForge is singing 'Moon
River')
Data:
(to Crusher)
Doctor how goes the patient?
Crusher:
(amazed)
Its just incredible! The Captain has grown breasts!!
And thats not all!
Data:
(placing Laforge on one of the othe beds)
Doctor, you have the tricorder pointed at yourself.
LaForge:
(groggy)
Mooooooon River! Ohhh...
(Data places hypo spray athis neck. LaForge passes out.)
Crusher:
(switching tricorder around)
Oh right! Gotcha! No change!
(Data comes over and stands next to Crusher)
For a minute there it was kind of exciting!
Data:
(raised eyebrows. looking at own tricorder)
From my readings the Captain is showing the same
side effects as Commander Riker and Lieutenant Worf.
(looks at the unconscience LaForge)
As wellas Geordi.
(looks around Sick Bay)
Doctor? Where are Riker and Worf?
Crusher:
(looking up. innocent)
What? Oh, they left a while ago.
Data:
(wide eyed. disbelieving)
You let them go?
Sound from Corridor:
(yells and screams)
Come here you pussy human!
More sound from Corridor:
(more yells and screams)
Come and get it you Klingon wuss!
Crusher:
(wondering)
Data, if your here. Picard and geordi are here.
over there and Riker and Worf are running around. Who's on the bridge?
Data:
(taking skin sample from Picards shinny skull)
Wesly, of course.
(Crushers eyes go wide with fear. Data notices)
No need to worry Doctor. Apperently this strange plague is
affecting you son in a very differant manner.
(sound of doors opening. Crusher turns and gasps)
Wesly:
(a big muscular Wesly Crusher with hair jutting out of every body part steps into
the Sick Bay)
Data! We're being hailed by that Ferengi ship from a couple pages back!
Crusher:
(gasping and sheet white. hand to forhead)
Wesly, you've gone through puberty!
(bites on hand)
How will we ever attract female viewers between 8 and 14?!
Wesly:
(surges forward. tenderly)
Don't worry Mom, I'm still the little boy who blew up your
favorite lamp as a science expeiriment.
Crusher:
(thinking. slaps Wesly hard)
I never did punish you enough for that one!
Data:
(walking out of the Sickbay)
I am afraid that I must hurry to the bridge. You had better take over from here.
(Wesly, rubbing his cheek, runs after Data)
(new scene: the bridge. Lieutenant Barclay is sitting in the Captains chair spinning
around. Troi is bent over the Ops panel. Data and Wesly rush out of the turbo lift.)
Data:
Counselor Troi! I was wondering where you were!
Troi:
(awestruck. pointing at the Ops panel)
Data, how do you deal with all those little blinking dots? God, that would drive
me crazy!
Data:
(leading Troi away from the panel)
It looks that way already, Counselor.
Troi:
(starting to spin)
Isn't the bridge beautiful?
(laughing hystericaly)
Data:
(half way between annoyed and puzzled)
Ensign Crusher, giver me a status report.
Wesly:
(already sitting at helm)
The Ferengi ship is standing by.
Data: On screen. (reaches out and grabs Troi. pushes her out of the way. Hard. Troi
flys across the bridge and slams into the Captains Ready Room door. Troi slumps on
the floor)
Wesly:
On screen, sir.
(suddenly a really ugly Ferengi appears on the screen)
Ferengi:
I am Daimon Clog. I see you are having some technical
difficulties. May I be of assistance?
Data:
I am Lieutenant Commander Data. I appreciate your offer but things
are not as they appear, the Enterprise is currently
undergoing...
(thinking Furiously)
... a little spring cleaning!
Ferengi:
(surprised by answer)
Oh Really? And how do explain that you
left Warp Nacell is not attached to you ship? Hmmm?
Data:
(scratches his head)
Oh that, that was a...frat prank! Yeah!
You know those fraternity boys!
Ferengi:
(musing)
Yes, of course.
(tries to smile. teeth get in the way.)
I was a fraternity brother myself. Ol' Crappa Crappa Pi!
Data:
(hurried)
Well, then you know how silly they can be! Ha Ha.
(there is a noise from the lower turbo lift and Riker and Worf tumble out)
Riker:
(catching Worf in the jaw)
And you have bad breath too!
Worf:
(jumping, catching Riker around the waist)
Vat Mahch!
(Subtitles : Your Mother! )
(Worf hurls Riker up over the horseshoe. Riker lands on
the main engineering station and falls to the ground.)
Data:
(grimacing)
Pay no attention to them! There just horsing around!
Sound from behind Data, you can't see:
Eat Klingon fist puny earther!
Data:
(spins around and pulls out phaser. he stuns Worf. Riker moans)
Ferengi:
Shall we try this again?
(Barclay, who is still spinning around in the captains chair, falls out and pukes
on the rug.)
Data:
(turning back to Ferengi)
Fine. Yes, we are having a slight
difficulty. But who has got all the weapons? Heh? We are a big
starship! With phenominal cosmic powers!
Riker:
(staggers to his feet. obviously suffering at hit to the groin. squeeks)
And itty bitty living space.
(falls unconscience)
Ferengi:
(steepling his grotesque hands)
Mr. Data. Lets be honest, you have problems. Big problems.
(gesturs to himself)
I can help you with these problems. You see, there ahve been other ships
through here with similar problems. I helped them too.
(smiles nasty)(the smile that is)
For a price.
Data:
(questioning)
What kind of price?
(suddenly the upper turbolift opens and Picard walks out and starts pointing at the
Ferengi)
Picard:
(shouting)
Don't listen to him!
Data:
(startled)
Captain! Oh jeez, Crusher let you go too?
Picard:
(walking down around horseshoe. still pointing)
Ensign arm phasers! Target at cooridenants zero zero point five two one hut hut hike!
Wesly:
Captain, those are your quarters.
Picard:
Oh right, then cooridinents zero zero point five THREE one
hut hut hike!
Wesly:
Locking on and firing!
Data:
(worried)
Captain I do not think that is wise considering your condition.
Ferengi:
Hey what are you doing! No!
(Exterior shot of the Enterprise and Ferengi ship. Off to the left. The Enterprise
Phasers fire and destroy something in the void.)
(new scene: The conference room. Every one is present. Picard, Troi, Data, Worf,
LaForge, Crusher and Wesly, except Riker.)
Crusher:
He'll be in a body cast for a couple more weeks.
Picard: Right.
Worf:
(whining)
Captain I'm really sorry, I wasn't my self!
Picard:
(raising his hand)
Its quite alright Mr. Worf. He deserved it!
Data:
Captain, may I ask how you and Geordi managed how the Ferengi were effecting us.
Picard:
(looks at LaForge)
It actually rather personal. Lets just say I had an idea on the John.
Data:
(puzzled)
Captain?
Picard:
I said it was personal!
Data:
Oh I see. The Computer told you.
LaForge:
(whining)
Data! Your supposed to go along with it so that we
look smart and stuff!
Crusher:
(huffing)
Well, anyway the crew should be back to normal any
time now.
Picard:
(to Troi)
And how are you feeling after your little thing with
that door?
Troi:
I feel fine. A few bruises.
(looks accusingly at Data)
But I do feel an anxiety from the crew.
Wesly:
Oh thats just me! I have to pee.
(gets up and runs out)
Data:
It seems that all is back to normal.
(End music and credits.)
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