Star Trek
Lead Zeppelins
by Dave Dugan
(david_dugan@comcast.net)
Lead Zeppelins
This episode has been digitally remastered with CGI special effects.
Exterior shot of the Enterprise orbiting Earth, with a Captains' log voice over.
KIRK
Captain's Log star date 2327.9. The Enterprise has gone through a time warp. We were originally at Earth in 1989. Now, we have allegedly returned to the 23rd century. At present, we are in Earth orbit, trying to contact Star Fleet.
Cut to an interior shot of the Enterprise Bridge. Kirk,, Spock, Sulu, Uhura and Scotty are all present.
UHURA
I've tried hailing on all standard Star Fleet channels. I'm getting nothing but static.
KIRK
You should get rid of all that static cling. Is there anything on any channels?
Uhura puts her hand on the receiver in her ear.
UHURA
I'm getting Morse Code from something like a spark gap transmitter.
SCOTTY
A spark gap transmitter would be technology dating from 1895 to 1915.
KIRK
What is the message being transmitted?
UHURA
Dit dit dit dah Dit dit dit dah.
Kirk gets a little irritated.
KIRK
Could you please tell me what it means?
UHURA
I'm getting the letter V repeated over and over. Now, I'm getting a date. February 2nd, 1913!
KIRK
We're going to have to do the time warp again.
SCOTTY
We can't. The warp drive is damaged. It will take at least three weeks to repair it.
KIRK
Three weeks? Which means?
SCOTTY
About a week.
KIRK
I knew you would say something like that.
SPOCK
I am getting very strange sensor readings. There is a very advanced vessel in the airspace over Britain. Way too advanced to be from early twentieth century Earth.
KIRK
What is it?
SPOCK
Unknown. It is like nothing .. we've seen ... before.
SULU
Oooo, dramatic.
Dramatic music and cut to opening credits.
ACT I
There is a shot of the Enterprise orbiting Earth for the usual Captain's log voice over.
KIRK
Captain's log star date 2/2/1913. We are now in orbit of Earth in 1913 with our warp drive damaged. A strange alien vessel has been detected by our sensors. I have called a meeting of the senior officers at this dramatically appropriate time.
Cut a shot of the briefing room. Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, Sulu, Uhura, Chekov and Spock are present.
KIRK
As you know, we are in orbit around 1913 Earth. Mr. Spock, could you tell us something about this period in history.
SPOCK
There was an arms race between the major European powers and Europe was divided into two alliances. There was the Triple Alliance consisting of Germany, Austria-Hungary and Italy. They were opposed by the Triple Entente of Britain, Russia and France. Germany was building a navy to rival that of Britain. Britain saw this as a threat and increased the size of its navy. In little more than a year from now, World War I started.
SCOTTY
What's happening in Britain right now?
SPOCK
This period has been called a time of "fantastic chaos" or "domestic anarchy". In 1911, the House of Lords lost its right to veto bills passed by the House of Commons. With the House of Lords veto destroyed, Ireland was to get a home rule parliament. It was a moderate measure. Ireland would get a parliament for Irish affairs, but would still be part of the United Kingdom. However, Ulster Protestants were so strongly against it, they threatened to fight rather than submit to an Irish Parliament. Women in Britain could vote in local elections, but didn't have a vote for Parliament.
CHEKOV
Jeez, even Peter the Great wasn't this long winded!
SPOCK
(continues) The militant suffragettes tried to force Parliament to give them the vote by smashing windows and burning buildings. Organized labor during this period was also militant. There were an unprecedented number of strikes. The strikes were started by the rank and file, not by trade union leaders.
KIRK
In other words, things were quiet. Were there any reports of UFOs?
SPOCK
There were reports of airships over Britain, Belgium and the Netherlands.
KIRK
Were they real German Zeppelins?
SPOCK
According to historical record, one the "airships" was a kite with a light. Another was a farmer on a hill top pushing a wheelbarrow loaded with manure, with a light hanging from a broomstick.
KIRK
Are you telling me that the airships are a load of shit?
SPOCK
Affirmative.
Kirk's reply to this is over dramatic.
KIRK
Then what is causing our strange sensor readings?
SPOCK
Insufficient data.
KIRK
Insufficient data is not sufficient!
SPOCK
May I point out that you always say that.
KIRK
No you may not. Scotty, what is the status of the engines?
SCOTTY
Worse than I thought. It may take a month to repair them! The warp coils are warped and the dilithuim crystals need to be re-dilithiumized.
KIRK
Is anything else wrong?
UHURA
The universal translator is no longer reliable. Every phrase I put in is translated to "My hovercraft is full of eels".
KIRK
We need to find out more about the alien vessel. Are there any life signs from the vessel?
SPOCK
There are no life signs from the object. Sensors can not penetrate its interior. We need to examine it up close.
CHEKHOV
Where is the alien wessel located?
SPOCK
Over Rutland, a county known to history as the birthplace of the Ruttles. The Ruttles were one of the most important 20th century rock groups.
SULU
I recommend we send a landing party to examine the object.
KIRK
An excellent idea Mr. Sulu. You, Mr. Chekhov and Dr. McCoy will be in the landing party.
McCOY
Why me? I'm a doctor, not an historian.
KIRK
Now you're an historian. You will need the proper costumes.
SPOCK
Be discreet. You must not interfere with Earth history.
SULU
Understood.
Cut to a shot of the transporter room. Sulu, Chekov and McCoy are on the transporter pads, wearing bowler hats and suits. Scotty is at the transporter controls.
SCOTTY
I'll put you in some woods about 100 meters from the alien vessel.
Cut to a shot of open grass near buildings. The landing party materializes here. A few hundred meters away, there is a large political meeting. They are not in Rutland. Instead, they are in Northern Ireland, at a meeting of Ulster Unionists being addressed by their leader Sir Edward Carson.
CHEKOV
Where are we?
McCOY
Don't ask me! I'm a doctor, not a geographer!
SULU
Where ever we are, it isn't any where near Rutland. Where is the forest?
Cut a closer shot of Sir Edward Carson speaking. He is a thin, almost gaunt, man in his mid fifties.
CARSON
We will yet defeat the most nefarious conspiracy that has ever been hatched against a free people. Make no mistake; we are going to fight with men who are going to play with loaded dice. We must be prepared, and time is precious in these things - the morning Home Rule is passed, ourselves to become responsible for the government of the Protestant province of Ulster.
McCOY
Who the hell are these fanatics?
SULU
They must be the Ulster Unionists Spock was talking about.
Chekhov starts becoming agitated and starts yelling.
CHEKOV
Ulster will fight and Ulster will be right! Ulster will fight and Ulster will be right!
McCOY
Chekov! What's wrong with you!
The crowd hears this and turns to look towards Chekov. Sulu takes out a communicator.
SULU
Beam us up, Scotty!
They are beamed up with the whole crowd and Sir Edward Carson watching. Cut to a shot of the Enterprise transporter room as the landing party materializes.
SCOTTY
What happened?
McCOY
We weren't beamed down to Rutland. We were beamed down to Ulster! And something's wrong with Chekov!
SULU
We also beamed up with an entire crowd watching us de-materialize, including the leader of the Ulster Unionists.
SCOTTY
Captain Kirk to the transporter room. We have a wee problem here.
Kirk arrives in the transporter room.. The landing party tells him what happened.
KIRK
You beamed up while a large crowd watched?! We are not supposed to interfere with Earth history! Let me show you how to do this right! Scotty, get me the proper clothes for the period and beam us down near the alien vessel. Bones, take care of Chekov. Mr. Scott, you will come along with me and Mr. Sulu.
Cut to a shot of Kirk, Sulu and Scotty materializing on Earth. Again, they are not in Rutland. There is no forest and no alien ship. They are near a German airfield. Two men in German army uniforms come to meet them. They army officers speak to each other in German.
SCOTTY
This can't be Rutland! They're speaking German.
KIRK
I know a little German.
Sulu speaks to Scotty in a low voice.
SULU
They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Kirk speaks to the Germans, in German. He wants to say "take me to you leader", but instead says:
KIRK
Nehmen Sie mich Ihnen lederhosen.
GERMANS
Lederhosen? Ha, ha!
The Germans continue laughing.
Dramatic music and cut to commercial.
ACT II
The landing party is still near the German airfield.
The older German speaks to Kirk in English. He is Wilhelm II, Emperor of Germany. Wilhelm is intelligent, off balance, vain and bombastic, sometimes simultaneously.
WILHELM
Silly Englander! You wanted to say "Take me to your leader", Ja?
KIRK
Uh, Yeah.
WILHELM
You are in luck. I am Wilhelm II, Emperor of Germany!
SCOTTY
And I'm Bonnie Prince Charlie.
SULU
I think he's serious.
WILHELM
Ja, I really am the Emperor. What brings you to Deutschland?
KIRK
The transporter.
WILHELM
Silly Englander. Why are you here?
KIRK
we are ... uh ... investigating the airship sightings over Britain.
Wilhelm goes into a rage.
WILHELM
You English are mad, mad, mad as March hares! There are no German airships over England! All your so called sightings are kites or flocks of geese!
KIRK
Uh ... I'm from Iowa.
Wilhelm ignores Kirk's last words and rambles on.
WILHELM
If there really were airships over England it would go over like a lead Zeppelin! I am Emperor of the greatest, most industrious nation on Earth! We are building a great fleet that is appropriate for a great country! Our people are protected from unemployment and sickness through our Social Insurance laws.
KIRK
Is your insurance through Kaiser Permanente?
Wilhelm continues rambling.
WILHELM
You English think we want to conquer the world. We don't. All we want is a place in the sun.
KIRK
The French Riveria would be nice.
Wilhelm picks up a small metal object on the ground and then walks towards the airfield.
KIRK
Opinions?
SCOTTY
Loony as an Arcturian dogbird.
KIRK
What the hell is wrong with the transporter? We never go where we want to go!
SCOTTY
I don na know. I'll have to run a full diagnostic on it.
Kirk takes out his communicator.
KIRK
Kirk to Enterprise. Beam us up, Scotty.
SCOTTY
Captain, I'm down here with you.
KIRK
Uh ... Right. Just beam us up.
Cut to a shot of sick bay. McCoy is releasing Chekov from sick bay just as Kirk, Scotty and Sulu arrive.
KIRK
What was wrong with Chekov?
McCOY
Nothing now, but after he was beamed up, he had greatly elevated levels of some neurotransmitters.
KIRK
What causes that? What does it mean?
McCOY
Something has changed his brain chemistry. The reaction was like a narcotic or alcohol.
SCOTTY
Have you been holding out on me, Pavel?
CHEKOV
Keptain, I'm as clean as the Volga River.
Sulu tries to get something off of his belt, but finds it's missing.
SULU
Captain, we have a problem. I left my communicator on Earth.
SCOTTY
And I saw the Emperor pick something from the ground.
KIRK
Terrific! Now the German Empire has some 23rd century technology!
Some time later, cut a shot of Kirk entering the bridge from a turbo lift. As Kirk sits in his chair, there is a message from Scotty.
SCOTTY
(filtered, over intercom) Scott to bridge.
KIRK
Kirk here.
SCOTTY
I just finished running a diagnostic on the transporter. There is nothing wrong with it.
KIRK
Thank you, Scotty. Opinions Mr. Spock?
SPOCK
It would be logical to assume the alien vessel is interfering with our transporter. There is also an unknown type of radiation emanating from that ship. It would also be logical to assume that radiation is having an effect on people's behavior. Chekov's behavior is a perfect example.
KIRK
Some one or something is toying with us. We must neutralize the alien vessel. Do you have any more information on it?
SPOCK
Sensors have only occasionally been able to penetrate the vessel's interior. There are no life signs inside it, but there is no indication of any machine intelligence either.
KIRK
We need more information on it, so that we can stop it from interfering with Earth history.
SPOCK
Haven't we done that ourselves? If there is some intelligence behind this, it probably won't let us beam down close to it.
KIRK
We could beam down, discreetly of course, some distance away, and take a train to its location.
SPOCK
To date, our record with being discreet has not been good. Perhaps we'd be less obvious if we took a shuttle craft down instead of the transporter.
KIRK
Are you trying to be funny, Mr. Spock?
SPOCK
If I were human I would say, the hell I'm not. Perhaps we should use reverse logic.
KIRK
Reverse logic?
SPOCK
So far, when we've tried to beam down discretely, we end up in a crowd or near someone famous. If we tried to beam down into a crowd, maybe we'd end up a secluded location.
KIRK
Uhura, contact Doctor McCoy, Mr. Sulu and Scotty. They will be in the landing party. We will beam down to London and take a train to the alien vessel.
Cut to a shot of the landing party beaming down. Instead of arriving in London, they end up on the Enchantress, the yacht of the British First Lord of the Admiralty. They hear a crash and boyish laughter. They see a short, heavy set man in his late thirties. The man has just made two electric trains collide.
The First Lord turns around and glares at the landing party. He is smoking a cigar.
FIRST LORD
What are you doing here? This is the yacht of the First Lord of the Admiralty. The premises are top secret.
KIRK
Are the trains top secret? And who are you? Gomez Addams?
FIRST LORD
I am Winston Churchill, First Lord of the Admiralty. If you don't tell me who you are, I shall throw off the ship!
KIRK
I am Captain James T Kirk from America. Uh ... We are here to investigate your mysterious airship sightings.
CHURCHILL
Being American isn't a crime. My mother is American. Could you show me your credentials?
KIRK
Our mission is so secret, no one knows about it.
McCOY
I certainly know nothing about it.
KIRK
Our real identities must remain secret, so we have no credentials.
CHURHILL
I have no reason to disbelieve you.
SCOTTY
We have come millions of miles to see you.
KIRK
Mister Scott has a tendency to exaggerate.
SCOTTY
Yes, it was actually about a third of that.
CHURHILL
Ah! So one of you is British. Where are you from, Mr. Scott?
SCOTTY
Aberdeen. I was born in Elgin.
CHURCHILL
As you know, I am a Member of Parliament for Dundee, Scotland. Aberdeen is only sixty miles from Dundee. Have we met?
SCOTTY
I doubt it.
CHURCHILL
What are your opinions on the airships?
SULU
Many of the sightings have the airships moving incredibly fast. Too fast for any known aircraft design. If they really were German Zeppelins, wouldn't there have been sightings near the English Channel?
KIRK
Mr. Sulu is our expert on ancient aircraft.
Sulu clears his throat.
SULU
He means modern aircraft. I think most of the airship sightings are a bunch of hot air and a load of manure.
CHURCHILL
If these airships are real we shall fight them. We shall fight them in the fields, we shall fight their loads of manure, we shall never surrender! Regardless if the airships are real, there is something very strange traveling above our atmosphere.
SCOTTY
Oh, really?
CHURCHILL
This object was photographed by the Royal Observatory. This object is orbiting the Earth. It appears to be some kind of flying object that remains unidentified. I have the observatory staff trying to come up with a name for it.
Churchill
shows the landing party a photo of the Enterprise. Kirk looks stunned.
KIRK
Uh Oh.
There is a beeping sound from Sulu's communicator.
SULU
Transporter signal.
KIRK
Not now!
The Enterprise officers dematerialize as Churchill watches. Churchill is extremely stunned. The cigar falls out of his mouth and his jaw drops to the floor.
Dramatic music and cut to commercial.
ACT III
Cut to a shot of the transporter room.
The landing party is beamed aboard the Enterprise.
An agitated Kirk begins.
KIRK
Why did you beam us up?
TRANSPORTER CHIEF
I didn't! The transporter turned on by itself and brought you here.
KIRK
Great! We can't control anything!
Cut to a shot of the landing party entering the turbo lift. Scotty goes to the engine room, while Kirk goes to the bridge. Next, cut to a shot of Kirk, Sulu and McCoy entering the bridge.
SPOCK
Did you get close to the alien ship?
KIRK
No! We were diverted to a yacht and met Winston Churchill. We were beamed back while he was watching. We aren't supposed to change history while we're here! And the Royal Observatory has taken photos of the Enterprise.
SPOCK
Unfortunately, our historical footprint is quite large. We have dematerialized in front of a crowd in Northern Ireland. The German Kaiser has one of our communicators. Winston Churchill has watched you beam up. On top of that, the Enterprise has been seen in a telescope and photographed.
McCOY
In plain non-Vulcan English, we screwed up.
UHURA
I have been monitoring both wired and wireless telegraph signals. There has been no mention of an object orbiting the Earth. But there are more reports of airships.
KIRK
We aren't in the news. At least, not yet.
McCOY
Who in their right mind would admit to seeing people just disappear or seeing a spaceship in orbit.
UHURA
Everyone on this ship?
Scotty enters the bridge.
SCOTTY
I need a source of high energy electrons and neutrinos to re-crystallize the dilithium crystals.
KIRK
Where would we find something like that?
SPOCK
There was a lot of research on radioactivity during this time period. Any major European university would have materials that decay by beta particle emission.
SCOTTY
The University of Manchester was at the forefront of atomic physics in the early twentieth century.
KIRK
Good. Mister Chekov.
CHEKOV
Yes, Keptain.
KIRK
You and Uhura will go to the University of Manchester and bring back a source of beta particles.
SCOTTY
The transporter has failed to hit the mark each beam down. I've investigated it and can-na figure it out.
KIRK
We've got to try something. We can't just sit here and wait to become the talk of gossip media.
SPOCK
There is no reason to expect to a successful beam down target location. It is illogical to expect a different result from the same stimulus.
KIRK
That's never stopped me before. Besides, since we aren't trying to stop or hinder the alien ship, maybe it will allow us to beam down where we want.
Next, a shot of Chekov and Uhura materializing in a corridor. Uhura takes out her tricorder.
UHURA
Amazing! We made it to the University of Manchester.
Uhura removes and opens communicator.
UHURA
Uhura to Enterprise. Successful transport. Right on the mark.
They hear someone triumphantly chanting "Onward Christian Soldiers". The man, with a mustache, comes into view. It is Ernest Rutherford.
RUTHERFORD
Marsden and Geiger have verified the nuclear atom theory with their alpha particle scattering experiments! You can always count on Geiger. Have you heard of the nuclear atom?
CHEKOV
Yes. The atom has most of its mass in a small nucleus, surrounded by a cloud of electrons. The theory was originally deweloped in Russia.
RUTHERFORD
Err ... we came up with it here, at Manchester. And you are?
CHEKOV
Uh ... I am Doctor Pavel Chekov, Professor of Physics at the University of Lenin ... uh... St. Petersburg.
UHURA
And I'm Doctor Uhura. I'm originally from Kenya and I was educated at Star Flee ... uh ... Cambridge University.
RUTHERFORD (to Chekov)
Are you related to the famous Russian playwright?
CHEKOV
I'm a close relative of him. I'm his nephew, twelve times removed.
RUTHERFORD
Welcome to the University of Manchester. I am Ernest Rutherford. What can I do for you?
CHEKOV
We are here on a personal mission for the Czar of Russia. We came here to obtain radioactive materials for research.
UHURA
We are particularly interested in beta particle decay.
RUTHERFORD
I'll have Geiger get you some radio bismuth. You've certainly come a long way.
CHEKOV
Yes. One could say the Czar sent us on a long trek.
Uhura rolls her eyes. Rutherford leaves for a moment. Then he returns with Hans Geiger and a lead box containing radio isotopes.
CHEKOV
Thank you! We must get going.
RUTHERFORD
Can't you stay for dinner?
CHEKOV
That sounds nice. What are you hav...
UHURA
We can't. The Czar is expecting us to return at once.
Sometime later, we see Chekov and Uhura entering the Enterprise bridge.
CHEKOV
We have the radio isotopes Scotty wanted.
UHURA
And we met Ernest Rutherford.
KIRK
Now you now the importance of being earnest.
SPOCK
Captain, I believe the alien vessel has intervened again.
KIRK
How so?
SPOCK
Look at all the famous people we've seen. This would be very unlikely to happen by pure chance.
KIRK
But for what purpose? Have you come up with a way to disable that ship?
SPOCK
We could fire phasers at it.
KIRK
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that would make us too conspicuous.
SPOCK
Isn't it a little too late to be concerned with being conspicuous? This is my best recommendation at present.
KIRK
We need another option.
Kirk presses the intercom.
KIRK
Scotty, we have the beta particle emitters you requested.
SCOTTY (Filtered, over intercom)
I'll start re-crystallizing the dilithium right away.
KIRK
We need to relax and think about our options. Since it seems we have control over the transporter again, we could walk though London. Maybe we can even find out more about the alien ship.
Cut to a shot of the landing party walking down a London street full of shops. The landing party consists of Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura and Sulu. Kirk picks up a newspaper and starts reading the headlines.
KIRK
"Wanted, an air minister. England at Germany's mercy. Northeast coast surveyed nightly by dirigibles. Further appearances of airship at Whitby." Someone is taking this crap seriously?
A group of young women with large handbags walk past them. One of the women writes "Votes for Women" on a shop wall. Another takes out the purple bannerette of the Women's Political and Social Union. The women take hammers out of their handbags and start smashing windows.
Sulu puts a silly grin on his face and starts yelling
SULU
Festival! Festival!
McCOY
What the blazes is going on here? Is this mass hysteria?
SPOCK
These are the militant suffragettes I was discussing earlier. You me be correct, doctor. It may be mass hysteria.
Uhura starts scat singing. She hits a high note and shatters several nearby window panes.
UHURA
Ella Fitzgerald, eat your heart out! Was that live or was that Memorex?
A nearby Bobbie sees this and arrest Uhura.
KIRK
Uhura! Why did you do it?
UHURA
It just felt right! I've always wanted to be a smashing success.
SULU
Festival! Festival!
McCOY
Shut up.
McCoy sedates Sulu.
Dramatic music and cut to commercial.
ACT IV
Yet another exterior shot of the Enterprise orbiting Earth.
And yes, yet another Captain's Log voice over.
KIRK
Captain's log star date 2/14/1913. The Enterprise has been seen in the sky of early twentieth century Earth. Kaiser Wilhelm II has one of our communicators and we have interfered with the normal course of history. Lt. Uhura is in the slammer and there is a mysterious alien vessel flying over Britain. Besides that, everything is going well.
Cut to an interior shot of the Enterprise bridge.
KIRK
Scotty, do you know where Uhura is being held?
SCOTTY
Right now, she's in Holloway Gaol. Her trial will be at the Old Bailey.
KIRK
Uhura always wanted a captive audience. We should either beam her out of jail or beam her up during her trial.
McCOY
Are you insane??!!
KIRK
We've already beamed up with crowds watching. How could this hurt?
SPOCK
Your reasoning is so warped that it is almost logical.
KIRK
Thank you Mr. Spock. How's Sulu?
McCOY
Like Chekov, he initially had highly elevated levels of neurotransmitters, but now he's back to normal. Whatever normal is.
KIRK
We must put that alien ship out of commission. Opinions?
SPOCK
We are in a lot of trouble.
KIRK
I already knew that. Bones?
McCOY
I agree with Spock.
KIRK
Ok, does anyone have any useful opinions?
SCOTTY
I don't think so.
SPOCK
We could try disabling the alien vessel with a powerful electromagnetic pulse.
KIRK
Does this idea have any drawbacks?
SPOCK
It would also disable all electrical communications on Earth. And there is no historical record of such an event.
KIRK
Great! The only way we stop the aliens is by changing history even more!
SPOCK
There may be a way of erasing our changes to history.
KIRK
How?
SPOCK
When we time warp out of here, we should first arrive at a point in time before this all happened. In other words, before February 1913. That should erase the damage we have done.
KIRK
Mr. Spock, your reasoning is so logical, it is almost warped.
SPOCK
Time warped?
KIRK
Are you trying to be funny again?
SPOCK
I don't think so.
KIRK
Gentlemen, it is time for action. Scotty, I want you beam up Uhura, regardless of where she is right now.
SCOTTY
Aye. Assuming that alien contraption will let us.
We cut to an interior shot of the Old Bailey in London. Several suffragettes are before the judge, including Uhura. As the judge is reading the charges against the accused, one of the suffragettes throws her shoes at the judge, hitting the judge in the face.
SUFFRAGETTE
If the shoe fits, wear it!
As she says this, ALL of the accused suffragettes are beamed aboard the Enterprise.
We cut to a shot of the transporter room.
SCOTTY
Scott to Captain. We have Uhura, but we also have a wee bit of a problem.
Filtered, over intercom.
KIRK
Such as?
SCOTTY
We also have about half a dozen suffragettes.
KIRK
Well, beam them back to Earth!
Uhura remains on board and the suffragettes are beamed down to an astonished judge. Sometime later, we see Uhura arriving on the bridge.
KIRK
Are you ok now?
UHURA
Yes I am. I don't know what possessed me.
Messages in text start appearing on a view screen above Uhura's console. The words "My hovercraft is full of eels" appear over and over again.
KIRK
Is that from the universal translator?
UHURA
No. it's coming from the alien vessel!
New text messages come on the screen. We see the words "Ripping", "Terribly Decent" and "Absolutely Frightful" followed by "Hip-hip...hoorah. Tally-ho"
KIRK
What the hell ....
Through the main view screen we see an elliptical object in front of the Enterprise.
CHEKOV
Alien wessel approaching.
Now we see the words "Greetings and Felicitations" on the screen. Suddenly the bridge crew disappears and arrives in what appears to be an early twentieth century drawing room. There is also what appears to be a man dressed in khaki, with his back towards them, playing "Maple Leaf Rag" on a piano.
SULU
Where are we?
Spock takes out a tricorder and starts scanning.
SPOCK
We are inside the alien vessel.
CHEKOV
It's pronounced "alien wessel".
Spock raises an eyebrow. The man at the piano turns around and we can see his face. The face is familiar. The man is Trelane, the former Squire of Gothos!
TRELANE
You must excuse me for my whimsical way of fetching you.
KIRK
You brought us here?
CHEKOV
You know this person?
KIRK
This is Trelane, the former Squire of Gothos and the most powerful spoiled brat in the universe.
TRELANE
Take care now, I am your host. Yes, I brought to Earth in 1913. I am also responsible for the malfunction of your universal translator and your transporter. I was getting bored, so I needed something new to play with. That's why I brought you here.
SULU
This explains why our sensors could find no life forms on this vessel. Trelane has never registered on our sensors.
KIRK
What are you doing here?
TRELANE
I'm studying my favorite predator species! But I'm not just an observer. I have created a device that amplifies human's reckless and irrational tendencies. I have been using it on Europe and especially on Britain.
KIRK
You can't interfere with Earth history! (mumbles) That's my job.
TRELANE
It's my planet to play with and my rules! What are you going to do about it? Call my mommy?
KIRK
Yeah.
TRELANE
My parents are on vacation in an alternate universe and are unreachable.
KIRK
As before Trelane, you don't think. I can destroy your mind altering device and stop you.
TRELANE
You can't! You'll ruin my fun, just like before when you broke my sword!
Kirk prepares to destroy nearby parts of the drawing room, but Spock stops him.
SPOCK
Jim, you can't.
KIRK
Why not? We have to stop Trelane from altering Earth history.
SPOCK
Don't you see, Trelane is partly responsible for the normal course of Earth history. His interference has helped cause domestic anarchy in Britain and an arms race between the major powers of Europe. Without Trelane there would be no World War I. If you stop Trelane, you will destroy what MUST be. It's your decision, Captain. However, if you don't fire, we may be detained by Trelane.
Kirk thinks for a minute, almost fires his phaser, but then puts it down.
KIRK
As much as it pains me, you're free to go, Trelane. I think your parents will eventually catch up with you and stop you from doing any real harm.
SULU
Captain, what are we going to do about all the damage we've caused?
KIRK
That's a very good question. But we have a more pressing issue. Trelane, will you let us go.
TRELANE
No! You MUST stay.
KIRK
Ok. Bones? What do we do now?
McCOY
I'm a doctor, not a child psychologist! And I'm certainly not Doctor Spock.
KIRK
Trelane, what happened after our last encounter?
TRELANE
My parents wouldn't let me make anymore planets, ever! That's one reason I am playing with Earth.
KIRK
And what happened after the last time you disobeyed your parents?
TRELANE
I was put inside a black hole for two years! They wanted me to collapse into a singularity.
KIRK
Your parents certainly wouldn't approve of you keeping us here against our will. What do you think would happen to you if you don't let us go?
TRELANE
They would probably not let me play with any planets, forever!
KIRK
Ok. Do want to be able to play with planets? Will you let us go now?
TRELANE
Oh.. Alright. I'll let you go. Besides, you're no fun at all, right now!
KIRK
Will you let me contact my ship?
TRELANE
(with reluctance) Of course, Captain.
McCOY
What ARE we going to do about us interfering with Earth history?
KIRK
How about nothing. Maybe we are a part of what is SUPPOSED to happen. As you said earlier, who in this time period would admit to seeing people just disappear or admit seeing starships? I doubt we'll show up in the history books.
SULU
What about my communicator? The Germans still have it.
SPOCK
It is highly unlikely they would be able to learn anything from one communicator. At this time, electronics was in its infancy. Solid state physics was also in its infancy. The Germans would have no way to even begin to understand how such a device would work.
KIRK
Great. That was almost easy. (He takes out a communicator) Kirk to Enterprise, beam us up Scotty.
SCOTTY
Uh Captain, I'm here with you again.
KIRK
Err.. Right. Just beam us up
As the Enterprise officers are beaming up, we have the closing credits.
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