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Announcers Voice:
After picking up the Special Federation Envoy to the Klingon Empire,
the Enterprise is sent to Planet Happy Flower. The Planet is currently having problems
regarding cooking and laundry. When the Enterprise arrives it is attacked, however
the attackers turns
out to be holograms. Lieutenant Worf volunteers to beam down and soon dissapears
with the Fed Guy and the
Ensign of the Week. Picard leads an Away team consisting of Riker Data Troi and Crusher
to find
Worf. The Away Team lands and is attacked by Klingons. The three men escape and fall
into a whole. The ladies
are captured by Klingons. while Exploring the cave the fell into the three Starfleet
officers are also take
hostage by members of the Washing Machine Cult.
And Now The Conclusion
(new scene: The figures dump Riker and Data into a rough cell and guard the door.
There is a lumpy shape in the middle of the floor and Riker nudges it. It groans)
Riker:
(pushing the shape)
What hideous monster is this?
(he pushes the figure over. Its Picard.)
Whoops!
(Picard is stunned unconsciences. Riker pushes Picard hard)
Picard:
(suddenly jumping up. terrified)
Don't make me eat it!
(he looks around and smiles weakly)
Data:
(raising his eyebrows)
Captain, how are you feeling?
Picard:
(rubbing his legs)
I don't know, aside from some serious
bruises, and a complete numbness in my legs, I feel fine.
Riker:
(grousing. leans against a wall)
Thats great! Happy your feeling better, fellow prisoner.
Picard:
(standing)
Where are we, Number One?
Riker:
(pushing away from the wall. extremely sarcastic)
We're in the Palace of Omar Kyaam!
(spreads his hand out)
And this is the Royal Rec Room! Where you can enjoy such family fun pleasures as
rotting to death,
or playing dismember the moron android or strangle the captain!
(turns to wall)
or bashing your head against the wall repeatedly!
(turns back to Picard. froth fall from his lips)
We're in a frickin' dungeon! You bald twerp!
(turns and kicks wall. abrubtly sits in a huff)
Picard:
(to Data)
Whats his problem?
Data:
(appraising Riker)
I think its his libido. Or it could be the
date he missed with that red head. Hard to tell.
Picard:
(brushes his uniform and straightens it)
Analysis, Mr. Data.
Data:
(motions to Riker)
I think the Commander put it quite nicely.
(Picard starts to speak then stops as the door to the cell opens and the Center Figure
guy steps in with his New Figure friend)
Center Figure:
(nodding his head)
Greetings, I am HeadCheese Laundryman Killion.
This is my Chief Executive Asssistant Melmack, in charge of fabric softener.
Picard:
(gestures to himself)
Hello, I'm...
Killion:
(interupting Picard)
I know who you Captain Picard. It is unfortunate that you decided
to meddle in our affairs, but it is to late for pity.
Picard:
(sucking in his gut and trying to look big)
We were sent here by Head of Council Gowron, on a special mission to deliver the
Special Envoy from the Federation to this world to try and
arbitrate a dispute between the Klingon and non Klingon colonists.
Killion:
(looks at Melmack)
What did he say?
Melmack:
They're here to interfere with the great plan, my lord!
Data:
(stepping forward)
What is this great plan you speak of?
Melmack:
(slightly taken aback)
You heathens! Not know the great plan?
Killion:
(calming Malmack)
Calm yourself, Follower. They are godless peagan scum,
with the destiny of cattle to the slaughter.
Riker:
(whimpering in the corner)
We're all gonna die.
Picard:
(annoyed at being ignored)
I demand that you...
Killion:
(waving the Captain down)
Captain, Captain.
(point at Picard)
You are in no position to make demands.
(gestures to himself)
While I am in no position to fullfill your requests.
(gestures to his fellow and outside guard)
What you see before you are the company and crew on the
S.S. Laundry Bay. Marrooned here
fifteen years ago.
Picard:
(shifting a glance to Data)
What do you want from us?
Killion:
(amused)
Want, Captain? Oh, I want nothing. What I will get,
that is differant, I will get everything.
(molevolent smile)
Data:
(stepping closer to the Captain)
Why are you keeping us here?
(glances at Picard)
How do we contribute to you plan?
Melmack:
(shifty) W
atch him, lord. He is crafty.
Killion:
(casting a quieting gaze on his follower. returns stare to Picard)
Don't you worry about your place in the great plan.
Your destiny has determined your wash and rinse cycle.
(Killion turns and walks out, followed by Malmack. Picard gives Data a long look
follow by a loopy as a jaybird sign)
Picard:
(waiting until he's sure the loon has left)
Data, did you understand any of that?
Data:
(shaking his head)
Apparently, Captain, this subculture has,
(pause)
centered itself around and ritualized it main workload.
Picard:
(confused)
Do you mean to say that these people have made
a religion out of somebody's dirty laundry.
Data:
Well put, Captain.
Picard:
(rubbing his head)
How can we communicate with them?
Riker:
(breaking out of his sullen mood)
We oughta kick their butts!
Picard:
(patting his head)
Yes, well, thats obvious! How do we get into
a position where we can kick their butts?
Riker:
(grumbling)
Wish I had a phaser.
(makes explosion gesture)
Kapow! Deep fried!
Data:
Captain, I believe I may have a solution, or at least a method
to this madness.
Riker:
(standing suddenly)
Do we bang heads?
Data:
If you mean force and aggession, eventualy. However, a tactic may
be used to deal with these rubes.
Picard:
(annoyed)
Well! Spill the beans!
Data:
(leans forward and whispers in Picards ear. Picard smiles)
(change of view. Same scene from the guards view outside the cell.
Suddenly there is a noise like chickens clucking and cows mating)
Guard:
(startled. turns to the door. holds out phaser)
Hey! Whats goin' on in there?
(there is no response, but the sounds of heavy machinery and rythmic chanting)
Hey! I said, 'Whats goin' on in there?
(again no response, the strange noises continue.
the guard is a little frightened. he slowly unlocks the door
and pushes it open with his phaser in a little for a peek)
(inside the room, Data is standing in the middle, making all the strange noises while
standing rigid straight. Picard and Riker are on the ground before Data kneeing and
bowing and chanting. the guard goes white in the face and steps into the room)
Guard:
(clearly taken aback)
What in the sam hell are you doin'?
Picard:
(looks up at guard and clasps his hands with loud clap)
Oh, praise! Give glorious praise!
(turns back and bows to Data again)
Guard:
(scratching his head in confusion)
Have you gone bonkers?
(rubs chin with phaser)
They said you guys were strange, but your downright looney.
Riker:
(looks up at Guard)
Buuuuka!! Buuuuka!
(guard jumps slightly. Riker looks back to Data and keeps chanting)
Guard:
(a little scared)
O-kay, you guys stop now! This has gone far e-nough!
Picard:
(spins on one knee. has evil smile on his face)
We pray to Data of Android! He is in tune with the the great plan!
He is a gate way to the, uh, great cleanser!
(Riker starts flailing his arms at Data in extremely exagerated bowing)
Guard:
(eyes go wide. stares at the rigid Data)
He's in harmony with the great Front Loader?
He who bleaches our soul and takes away mildew?
Picard:
(glances at Riker. Riker shakes his head and continues his kneeling bows. looks back
at guard)
Yes!
(shuffles forward on knees)
Yes! He is a man of metal and communes with the
workings of the great Front Loader and the great plan!
Guard:
(wide eyed in awe)
I've never seen nobody in trance before!
(steps forward and stands beside Data. looks at Picard)
Can I touch him?
Picard:
(nods)
You are our hosts!
Guard:
Wow!
(reaches out to touch Data. just then Data springs to life,
reaches out, takes the guards phaser and stuns the guard)
Data:
(looking down at the stunned guard)
Your horoscope for today says that love and fortune are not far from your grasp.
I
f only you could have stayed conscience.
(looks to Picard who is still kneeling)
Captain? I told you, the possesed prophet trick
always works.
Riker:
(standing and dusting off his knees)
Thats the most embarressing thing I've ever done to get out of trouble.
Data:
(moves out of cell and checks hallway. looks back in at Riker)
Even more Embarressing than that time you dressed up as that
womans kid sister in order to avoid her husband?
Riker:
(also stepping out into the hall. pints at Data)
I told you that was undercover work!
Data:
(tilts his head)
You sure liked it under her covers.
Riker:
(flusters and turns back to cell. Picard is still on his knees. puzzled)
Captain? Are you going to stay?
Picard:
(wincing in pain)
My knees have locked up from kneeling so long.
Data:
(steps over to Picard and picks him up. Picard dangles in the air,
with his legs slowly extending. a loud cracking noise is heard. Riker winces)
Captain, I think you should report to sickbay when we return to the ship.
Picard:
(barely standing)
They ain't what they used to be.
(Riker and Data move swiftly into the hallway. Picard hobbles along behind. they
move down a corridor and make several left and right turns. Finaly they come to a
court yard. there is a large crowd gathered. Our heros move to hide behind a shrub.
the crowd is made up of two sides one side is a group of klingons and the other side
is the Washing Machine cult. a klingon is standing on a stool addressing everyone)
Yelling Klingon:
(yelling and pointing)
Red Meat! White Meat!
Blue Meat! Meat-o-fuckin' Rama! You will eat it! Because not
eating meat is a choice! Eating meat is an instinct!
(pauses to breath. yells from washing machine cult and growls from Klingons)
You will eat the meat folks! Because this Empire was
founded on two things! Meat and War! You eat enough meat you
want to kill somebody! Thats how it works!
Data:
(hiding behind the bush)
I believe that is the Klingon in the
recorded message that we found.
Picard:
(rubbing his aching knees. hunched over)
Is he the leader?
Riker:
(impressed with Klingon)
I don't know but he's got quite a message!
(looks up in the sky)
I wonder what the ships doing?
Picard:
(also looks up)
Commander LaForge is probebly working
desperatly trying to save us as we speak.
(New scene: the bridge. LaForg and the pretty girl ensign from engineering are playing
twister in front of the command chair. Lieutenant Barclay, sitting in the captains
chair, has the spinner. Loud Rock and Roll resounds through the bridge while people
dance around up at tactical. Ensign Ro appears out from the conference lounge. Shes
carrying a Bud Lite and a chip with salsa on it. The salsa drips off the chip onto
the floor. She stops and look down at LaForge)
Ensign Ro:
(sitting in Rikers chair)
Hey, whos winning?
(crams chip in her mouth)
Barclay:
Left Foot! Green!
(turns to Ro)
I don't know, I can't focus
my eyes anymore.
(suddenly LaForge and the Ensign collapse into a heap)
LaForge:
(jumping up)
I win! I win the bet!
(looks down at the disheveled ensign)
Your cabin or mine?
(reaches out and helps the ensign up. they walk off toward the conference lounge)
Pretty Girl Ensign:
(giggles)
Oh, Geordi!
(new scene: the courtyard on the planet. The Klingons and the Washing Machine cult
are still gathered. The Yelling Klingon is still yelling)
Yelling Klingon:
(yelling)
I love to smoke and I love to eat red meat, I love to eat RAW red meat!
(yells of agreement from klingons)
Nothin' I love better than suckin' down a hot steamin'
cheeseburger and a butt at the same time! (pauses. turns to
other Klingons) I tried eating Vegatarian. I feel like a wimp
going in a Resturant. 'What do you want to eat, sir?'
(makes face)
Broccoli.
(yells and points)
Broccoli's a side dish, folks, always was always will be!
(yells from Klingons)
When they ask me what I want, I say, 'What do you think I want,
I'm a Klingon, I want a bowl of raw red meat, Right Now!
Forget about that, bring me a live cow to the table, I'll carve
off what I want a ride the rest home!
(Klingon crowd screams)
(suddenly a washing machine cult guy steps forward)
Washing Guy:
(stands tall)
I've quite! I quite smoking! I quite drugs! I quite drinkin'! I quite meat and I
feel
GREAT! I get up in the morning have a nice big bowl of oat
bran, I go to the bathroom for three and a half hours. I
have another bowl of oat bran and go back in the bathroom
for six more hours! All I do is eat and shit! I'm gonna
live forever! My colon is the strongest muscle in my body!
I could pass Elvis through my colon, right now!
Yelling Klingon:
(disgusted)
You people, checking your own feces for
fiber, you've got too much fuckin' free time!
(resounding laughter from klingons)
Riker:
(snickers)
He does have a point.
Picard:
(looks at Riker)
I like oat bran.
Data:
(shakes his head)
(suddenly there is a change in the Washing Machine Cult. it parts down the middle
and reveals Killion! and Melmack!)
Killion:
(walking forward)
Enough of this prattle! It is time!
(he claps his hand three times. everthing is silent)
Yelling Klingon:
(at Killion)
So you return!
(gives meaningful nod to another klingon who then moves
away and comes back dragging Troi and Crusher)
We will give yo these two woman in exchange for your continued work! A fair trade!
Crusher:
It not a fair deal at all! We're both crabby and mean and Troi
has some kind of rash from the cell we were kept in!
Troi:
(kicks Crusher)
Beverly!
Killion:
(smiles and holds up hand)
I don't think so, Ma'cha! Instead, I think that we will take over the colony and
make you work.
(smiles and looks around. Klinhons laugh. Killion makes a signal.
Suddenly phaser fire take out the four klingons with disruptors.
the klingons all jump around draw knives)
I suggest that nobody move!
(Killion pulls out a phaser and points it at the Yelling Klingon or Ma'cha)
Today the plan begins to play out!
(the klingons drop their knives)
Riker:
(surprised)
Hey, those are our phasers.
(there is a tapping on Rikers shoulders. Riker tenses and slowly turns. Its Worf!)
Worf! Thank God! Lets get the Hell out of here!
Worf:
(pulls out a phaser)
I think not Commander.
(has a real glazed look about his eyes)
Get up, all of you.
Data:
Lieutenant, that is inadvisable, the Washing Machine cult is
currently making a bid for control of the planet.
Worf:
(waving his phaser)
The great plan must succeed!
(waves them up)
Picard:
(still hunched over)
Please don't make me get up.
Worf:
(still glazed)
Do not worry Captain, the great plan is a thing of beauty.
Riker:
(standing and scratching his arm)
Then you should really hate it! Whats wrong with you?
Worf:
(looks at Riker, but still glazed)
You will soon see the beauty of the great plan.
(waves at Picard) Get up!
Picard:
(whining)
I can't my knees are locked.
(Data helps Picard up. Picard knees crack really loud.
Every one in the courtyard turns to look)
Killion:
(noticing Worf and the rest)
Excellant Convert Worf!
(bids Worf to move Picard and such over next to him. Worf pushes
Picard and Data and Riker move toward Killion)
Picard:
(complaining)
Don't push so hard, it'll bruise!
Killion:
(when Worf finaly get the three Starfleet officers over)
Well, Captain! Its nice to see you again!
Worf:
(still in glazed mode)
He tried to escape.
Killion:
(smiles)
Thats is of no matter. Soon this rabble will be
crushed and Picard will be one of us.
(to Melmack)
Your work here is finished my friend, go to
the command room and await my orders.
Melmack:
(bowing)
Yes, My master.
(turns and leaves)
Killion:
(to Picard)
Are you ready to enbrace the great plan, Captain?
Picard:
(spits)
I'll give you one warning shot across your bow.
Killion:
(laughs)
Of course, you will! Of course!
(motions to Worf)
Take them to the Assimilator Room!
(turns to his crowd)
They will see the beauty of the plan!
Worf:
(yes, still glazed over. pushes Picard and ushers Dat and Riker)
Yes, the beauty of the plan.
(new scene: A dark room. Against the far wall a dark shape sits. off to the side
a control consol and chair stand the party of Killion Picard Riker Data Worf Crusher
Troi and Ma'cha enter the room. Worf gives Picard a hard shove)
Worf:
(glazed)
Move it, frenchy.
Picard:
(picking himself up)
This is not helping your chances for promotion.
Killion:
(moves across the room to the contol consol and sits)
Please, move to a place to get a good view.
(pushing buttons and stuff)
Soon one of you will be ushered into the new cycle
of the great plan.
(just then a door opens on the other side of the room. four figures appear. Its the
Ensign of the Week and the Fed Guy. They are being led by two Washing Machine Cultists.
On seeing Worf, the Ensign of the Week braeks free of her guard)
Ensign of the Week:
(running at Worf)
Worf! My Baby Pookums! Are you
hurt! They wouldn't tell me what happened to you!
(Worf turns slowly. just as the Ensign reaches him, he reaches out swiftly
and grabs both her wrists. she is suddenly frightened)
Worfy, let go! That hurts!
(struggles to fre herself. Worf only tightens his grip)
Hey you jerk! Leggo!
(face beat red, the ensign snaps her leg up and smashes
Worf right in the nads. Worfdoes not react)
Riker:
(amazed)
Wow, nads of steel.
Data:
(nodding)
Yes, Commander, appearently, Worfs transformation has
relocated his primary goals.
Riker:
(confused)
What?
Data:
(tilting his head)
Worfs person is no longer phalicaly centered.
(Riker shakes his head)
Killion:
(finishing with his control)
Your very right, my freakish android friend.
Our new convert Worf is centered around the great plan.
Data:
You can insult me all you want, I do not have emotions
and am not effected by verbal spurs.
Killion:
(rubs chin)
Oh yeah? Well, your mother was a Cuisinart.
(Data is not disturbed. Killion is impressed)
You know, I'll bet you father was dissappointed at getting an android.
I'll bet he really wanted a 'Macintosh'.
Data:
(shaking his head)
That was a good insult, but I have no emotions.
Therefore I cannot react.
Killion:
(pressing on)
i guess he worked with what he had, even if it was a Tandy.
Data:
(suddenly very very very very very very very very very very very
very very very very very angry. steps forward. a guard runs
forward. Killion shows real fear as the guard grabs Data's arm.
Data reaches around and picks the guard up by his neck)
Several people have mentioned a great plan.
What is this plan they mentioned?
Guard:
(chocking. feet dangle in the air)
This a counselor ship.
We're on a diplomatic mission.
Data:
(James Earl Jones voice)
If this is a counselor ship, wheres the Ambassador!
(guard just keeps choking. Data flings him aside)
Tear this place apart until you find those plans and bring me the
passengers, I want them alive.
(every one is staring at Data. Data straightens up)
Sorry, old data, pay it no mind.
Killion:
(still a little bit shaken. motions to the guard holding the Fed Guy)
Move that one, prepare him for the beauty of the great plan.
(the guard pushes the Fed Guy forward and into the middle of the room. Suddenly a
chair appears. the guard pushes the Fed Guy into the chair)
Fed Guy:
(afraid)
Hey, this isn't very nice!
(the guard straps his legs and arms down)
Come on, this isn't funny.
Picard:
(to Riker in a hush)
We have got to get out of here. Even Data
is starting to lose it. Him, the calmest person I know.
Riker: Yeah, but how?
Killion:
(hearing Rikers last)
How? Its very simple!
(throws a switch. suddenly theres bright light. every one blinks. the new light
reveals the far wall! Its a giant front loading washing machine!)
Theres your how! The galaxies largest shrine to the
great Front Loader!
Riker:
(screwing his face up)
What the Hell?
Data:
What were you expecting?
Picard:
Data? Summize need for giant washer.
Data:
(looking at giant washer)
The spinning washer is used to
hypnotize the victem.
Riker:
(quiet, a little shocked)
Laundro-Mat Syndrome.
Data:
Yes, Commander, after so many hours of staring at their washers on
spin cycle, these people are suffering from delusions of granduer.
Picard:
(visible shaken by this)
Poor bastards! No wonder the so stoned.
(shakes head)
Solution?
Killion:
(running over to the threesom)
Anticipating you new role in the great plan?
(his eyes gleam wide)
Oh, they will be glorious!
Riker:
(gesturing at Worf)
You mean we'll be like him!
Killion:
(smiling wide)
He is a servant of the great plan and the great Front Loader!
What more could he want.
Picard:
(giving Killion a cool look)
How about freedom?
Riker:
Or a dental plan?
Killion:
(ignores Riker. moving close to look at Worf)
He is free! Free in the great plan! Free to help others into the great plan!
Picard:
(stepping to face Killion)
I will not allow you to subject any
more of my crew to this madness.
Killion:
(showing anger)
It is not madness! It is the great plan! And besides, their not your crew any more!
They're now mine and through me the great Front Loaders!
Picard:
(pushing forward)
I am thier Captain! The will never listen to you!
Killion:
No, Picard! Now the great Front Loader is their Captain.
The captain of their Destiny in the great plan!
Picard:
Your great plan is a pipe dream and your great Front Loader
a bucket of junk! Worthless!
Killion:
(angry)
You persist! All has been revealed to me and to my
followers! We are its children in great plan!
Picard:
(stepping forward again)
Your all loony! Crazy! KOO-KOO!
Flipping bonkers!
Killion:
(really mad)
You will pay for your lies!
(smiles)
And by your own crew as their final gesture!
(waves Picard away)
Your mind is to warped by your delusions of adaquacy! You are
of no use to the great plan!
(smile more evily)
Convert Worf! Kill the Captain!
Picard:
(not flinching)
Yes, Worf, kill the Captain of your destiny!
Killion:
(puzzled by Picard. Worf raises his phaser at Picard. but
instead aims at the giant washer. Killion realizes his mistake)
NO, you fool! Kill Picard!
(Worf fires the phaser. the giant washer explodes into flames. Riker and Picard jump
for cover)
(new scene: the bridge. several kegs are lying around. a couple of people are lying
around on the floor. the turbolift doors open and Picard and Data and Riker walk
onto the bridge. Picard looks around and frowns. he walks down around to his chair.
lying in fron of his chair is a figure with the twister game pulled over his head.
Riker leans over and pulls the twister game away. Its LaForge!)
Picard:
Commmander LaForge!
LaForge:
(mumble)
Not again Ensign, I'm too tire to mambo any more.
Riker:
(gives Data a look)
(suddenly the turbolift doors open again and Worf steps out. his eyes widen as he
looks around)
Worf:
(awed)
What happened here?
Data:
Appearently, one mo-huncher of a party.
(sounds of puking come from the conference lounge)
Yes, that is what it appears to be.
Picard:
(at LaForge)
Mr. LaForge! Get up! Your in my way!
(LaForge only mumbles again)
Will you move him?
(Worf and Data move forward and start to pick up Geordi)
Watch it, he was laying in a pool of salsa. Data, take him down to sickbay and get
the
clean up crews up here. Tell 'em it a level three clean up this time.
(looks at Riker)
You better get a towel, Number One. I think some one threw up in your chair.
Riker:
Not again!
(makes a face and turns toward turbolift. Worf seizes
an opportunity and wipes the salsa off his hand onto Rikers back)
Picard:
(looks around bridge)
Report Worf.
Worf:
The Washing Machine cult has been disbanded and are being treated.
The Klingon colonists are making do.
Picard:
(surprised)
Are they washing their own cloths?
Worf:
(offended)
No! They are warriors! They will deal with the smell!
Picard:
And Killion?
Worf:
(a little put off)
The one known as Killion has dissappeared.
Picard:
Well, I guess thats best.
(looks around)
Wheres the Fed Guy?
Worf:
(walking up to tactical)
I dunno.
(new scene: a pile of dirty cloths. a man mumbles to himself as he cleans the cloths
by hand.)
Fed Guy:
(glazed over)
Clean the clothes! Clean the clothes!
Ma'cha:
(stepping into the doorway)
This Special Envoy is just what we needed!
(End music and credits.)
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