|
Announcers voice: Last time on Star Trek: The Next Degradation
(new scene. the bridge, Picard is standing in front of his chair. Riker is at Tactical
with Worf. Data and Mr Fed Guy are standing off to the left of Picard. Wesley is
at helm. Ensign of the Week is at Ops. Gowron Head of the Klingon Hign Council is
on the main viewer.
Gowron:
(scowling)
I would have left it to an underling, but,
no offense, every time you guys come here, we have a civil war.
Riker:
(grins at Picard)
Picard:
(straightens uniform)
Ah, well, we have your special Federation
Envoy here and will just drop him off and get out of you life
so you can go back to slashing your wrists or beating you selfs
with painsticks, or whatever your fancy is.
Gowron:
(scowling)
Special Envoy?
Guy:
(gives stupid smile)
Hi!
Gowron:
(scowls more intensly)
Well, don't bother coming here. Take him to where he's needed.
We're having some troubles with some
colonist on a fringe world.
Picard:
(furrows brow)
Oh? What kind of trouble?
Gowron:
Some of the colonist are not Klingon and they don't like the cooking.
Riker:
(makes a face)
Worf:
(sucks in his chest. proud of Klingon cooking)
Picard:
(rolls his eyes)
Oh, right, I can see how that is such an
urgent issue. We'll just run this guy way out out of our way for
some guy who hasn't got any Grey Poupon.
(point finger)
Starfleet is not a taxi service!
Gowron:
(scowls more)
No Picard! The non-Klingons are on strike! And
they are the only ones who will do the laundry!
Worf:
(bellows)
Klingons do not do laundry!
Gowron:
(smiles. to Worf)
I see being among spineless human scum hasn't weakened you, Worf.
(to Picard)
If you will take him there, it would be seen as a measure of good will. The planet
is Happy
Flower in the WheresWaldo Sector. Ka Plah Picard!
(new scene: the bridge. Picard is sitting in the command chair. Riker is up at tactiacl
with Worf. Ensign of the Week is at Helm and Data is at Ops)
Data:
Arriving at planet Happy Flower.
Picard:
Hail them.
Worf:
Aye sir.
(almost immediatly)
No response.
Picard:
(turns to Worf)
Why don't you let it ring a bit longer, eh?
Worf:
(very irritated)
Hailing. One Ringy Dingy. Two Ringy Dingys
Three Ringy Dingys. Four Ringy Dingys.
(suddenly the viewscreen lights up. its the image of a young Klingon)
Young Klingon:
Hello, I'm sorry there is no one to answer your call
right now. But it doesn't matter because your
tressapassing is Klingon Territor and your are about to
die a horrible death. Please leave your final words or
maybe a nice curse at the beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Picard:
This is Captain Jean Luc Picard, of the Federation starship
Enterprise. We are here on special orders from Gowron to deliver
the Federation Special Envoy. He will be beamed down shortly.
Young Kilingon (recorded message):
Thank you for that nice message, now
prepare for your terminal demise.
(veiwer goes to starfield. starfield is suddenly filled with five armed
Klingon Bird Of Prey attack cruisers. BOP's start firing)
Picard:
(as first torpedo hits)
Oh shit. I hate answering machines.
(dramtic music and fanfare)
Announcers Voice:
And now the conclusion.
Worf:
(surprised)
Captain! I am reading no damage from the attackers weapons.
Riker:
Wow, what a bunch of wusses. And they're really pouring it on.
Picard:
(confused)
Hail them!
Data:
(moves to Ops and pushes the very pretty Ensign of the Week out of the way)
Sensors are not reading any other ships in the area.
(irritated the Ensign of the Week stomps off into the turbolift
and gives the bridge a big rasberry. Worf waves at her. She gives
him the bird)
Picard:
(even more confused)
What are you saying?
Data:
While it might appear that there is a fleet of Klingon warships
bearing down on us, there is in fact, only empty space.
Riker:
The old Klingon hologram bluff.
Worf:
A time honored tactic. A means of judging the enemies capabilities.
Data:
I believe that the system is automatic. Like the recording we
heard. I would suggest trying the system again to prove this hypothesis.
Riker:
Why? Lets just beam down and give'em a big noogie for trying to scare us.
Worf:
(puffing out chest)
I was not scared. A true warrior laughs at
the chance to die in battle.
Riker:
(rolling his eyes)
Oh, yeah. You were just full of shits
and giggles.
Worf:
(annoyed)
I volunteer to beam down and sort this mess out.
Picard:
(nodding his head)
Yes, thats an excellant idea.
(looks around the bridge)
Anyone else for what is probably a suicide
mission. Meaning, you'll probebly have you bowls ripped out or
your bladder removed or have a pain stick permanently lodged up
your anal cavity at full charge.
(everyone is staring at him)
Worf:
(feeling cheated)
How can anyone refuse with a sales pitch like that?
Picard:
(sighing. tryed his best. not)
Well, Mister Worf, apparently there aren't any other takers. You'll be going alone.
Worf:
(leans forward)
A one person Away team? Regulations state that
there must be two people in an Away team at least.
Picard:
(protesting)
What about that time Data went down to the planet
being bombarded with radiation trying to save those colonists?
Data:
Captain, I am afraid Worf is right. That was a very special occasion.
Picard:
(looks at Data)
Will you go then, Data?
Data:
No way!
(flustered)
I mean, this is also, a very, uh, special occasion. Mr. Worf will do fine on his
own.
(clears his throat)
In fact, better, for then Mr. Worf will not be hampered in any way.
Worf:
(smiles a vicous grin)
Thank you for being so supportive.
Picard:
(resigned)
Oh fine, take,
(everyone tenses)
take Wesley!
(everyone stares at Wesley. Wesley almost flips out)
Wesley:
(near hysteria)
Please! Don't send me! You know what Klingons do to cute teenage geniuses!
(near sobbing. covers face with hands)
Don't condemn me! I'm so young!
(looks through fingers)
Picard:
Nope. No getting out of it. Your going! Move along.
Worf:
Captain. I think you've made a wise decision.
(everyone turns to stare at Worf)
Young Mr. Crusher will make a fine partner for an Away team. Far better than, say,
the Ensign of the Week. Geez, now there's a disaster.
If I took her, I'd get killed for sure.
(makes slicing motion)
Yep, I'd be a goner.
Picard:
(strokes his chin)
Ensign of the Week, eh?
Riker:
(protesting)
Wait, Captain, you don't know about...
Picard:
(interupting. waves Riker down)
No, no. I just remembered. We need Mr. Crusher here. Just in case something really
catastrophic happens and everyone in the ship is killed and he is the only survivor.
Oh and of course the Computer would have to fail too.
(taps chin)
So you better take someone else instead.
(rubs chin again)
Say...
(as though sudden realization)
...the Ensign of the Week. Yep. Better take her.
(Worf starts to 'protest'. Picard waves him away)
Go on! Get!
(remembers)
Oh and take this Fed Guy with you.
(Fed Guy looks at Picard like a crazy man)
Fed Guy:
But Captain, I'm a Special Envoy! I get V.I.P. treatment!
Picard:
Your going to be getting R.I.P. treatment if you don't move.
Fed Guy:
(jumps up and runs to turbo lift)
Worf:
('resigned'. turns to turbo lift)
Goodbye my friends.
(gets in turbo lift. as doors close, we hear a 'Yes!!!!')
Wesley: (sighs relief)
Picard:
(to Riker)
You wanted to say something, Number One?
Riker:
(huffing)
Nothing. Captain.
Picard:
(sits in chair)
I wonder who I' replace Worf with. He was very
good at Tactical.
Riker:
(rolls his eyes)
Oh, yeah. Now we have to pick someone new.
(rubs the side of his head)
I hate doing that.
Picard:
(gives sideways look at Riker)
Oh? Well, I guess that you'll just have to fill in until I pick some other idiot
to do it.
Riker:
(points at himself, surprised)
What? Me at Tactical?
(looks up at Tactical)
But then I'd have to stand all the time.
Picard:
(standing to go to Ready Room)
Only till we get to the movies, then we'll add a chair.
Riker:
(opens mouth, no sound)
Break to theme and Opening Credits
(opening credits and titles! With cool special effects)
Picard Voice Over:
(hushed with awe. you see a comet and planets go by)
Outer Space, the final frontier,
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise,
Her continuing mission, to seek out new QuickyMarts
and new convenience stores,
To boldly go where no one else
is stupid enough to go!
(new scene: Captains Ready Room. Picard is at his desk with his feet up. He's watching
his moniter and laughing every so often. The door chimes.)
Picard:
(sitting straight)
Come!
Data:
(walks in with Commander Riker. to Riker)
No, Commander. We cannot just fire a salvo of photon torpedos and leave.
Picard:
(looking from Riker to Data)
Problem, Commander?
Data:
Captain, it has been three hours since Lieutenant Worf beamed down.
Picard:
(puzzled)
So?
Data:
(also puzzled)
Captain, Mr. Worf has not communicated since his beam out.
Picard:
(becoming irritated)
Yes, yes! Get to the point!
(points atmoniter) I am trying to watch my favorite show
Faulty Towers: The Next Renovation!
(stands and puts hands on desk)
Do you know how much I hate being interrupted?
Data:
(looks sheepish)
Riker:
(points at Data)
I tried to tell him!
Picard:
(to Riker)
Cram it!
(to Data)
Now what it sooooo important the you have to come
barging in here and disrupt my leisure!
Data:
(tugging at his collar)
Captain, should we not, like, send down a search party? The lieutenant
might be dead. Not to mention the Ensign and the Fed Guy.
Picard:
(waving his hands)
Why would I risk a search party to look for some dead rotting corpses? What a waste!
(looks at Riker)
Do you want to risk your life trying to find some icky moldy blood
crusted body with maggots
(Riker makes a 'gross' face. Picard pushs his lips together)
and oooooozzzing stuff all over the place. With a smell that will make you retch
and it'll never
come out of your uniform and you'll have to wash your hands for
hours 'cause they'll smell and be all slimy.
Riker:
(face all screwed up in disgust)
Captain, thats nasty!
(looks at his hands and wipes them on his shirt)
Ewwww!
Data:
(pushing forward)
Captain, I think that Starfleet would demand some
explanation for the Special Envoys death.
Picard:
(steaming)
Oh phooey!
(huffs)
Fine fine!
(makes shooing motion. starts to sit down again)
Go send a search party!
(sits ans watches moniter) Y
ou and Riker and some other people!
Riker:
(jumps. makes strangling noise)
Captain! I don't...
Picard:
(jumping up and coming around to stand an inch away from Rikers face)
What do you want! I'll bet you think I should lead this away team personaly!
You think I think I'm too busy and important to get my hands all slimy and disgusting!
Right?! Well,
(steps back)
just to prove you wrong, I'll take this Away team down myself!
(puffs up chest)
Riker:
(stunned. not what he'd expected)
You'll lead the Away Team?
Picard:
(huffing. starts towards door)
Yes, yes! Come on!
Riker:
(confused. looks at Data. Data shrugs)
What?
Data:
(assuring)
Come on Commander. Everything will make sense sooner or later.
Riker:
(going out the door)
I hope it's sooner. I've got a hot date later.
(new scene: The transporter room. Picard Is on the transporter pad telling everybody
to hurry. Data and Riker walk up and stand behind Picard on the transporter pad.
Dr. Crusher and Troi walk in and take up positions on the transporter pad also. O'Brien
is working the controls. Riker gets a funny look on his face.)
Riker:
(to O'Brien. worried
Hey, O'Brien. This things, like, working
alright and every thing, right?
O'Brien:
(gives thumbs up signal and Okay sign)
Everythings peachy, Commander!
Riker:
(slightly relieve. still worried)
Oh good. I was a little worried.
O'Brien:
Don't you worry at all, that problem with the transporter switching people's bodies
around and swapping limbs, won't happen agian.
(big smile)
Energizing!
Riker:
(freakin' out)
Wait!
(everyone on the transporter pad sparkles and disappear. O'Brien chuckles.)
(new scene: a lush jungle. the Away team, Picard Riker and Troi sparkle and appear.)
Riker:
(jumps)
Nobody move!
(searches his body and looks around)
Picard:
(moves into alert position)
What is it Commander? Enemy?
Riker:
(done searching. breaths a sigh of relief)
Thank God! I've got my own body!
Picard:
(looks around and sees only Riker and Troi)
Where are Commander Data and Doctor Crusher.
(hears a scream in the jungle. turns away from the others towards scream)
Crushers voice:
(angry)
Get off me you positronic creep!
Data's voice:
(concerned)
Doctor, I was just making sure you weren't hurt.
Crusher:
(stepping out of the jungle and rearranging her tangled hair)
Thats what all the perverts say!
(Data steps out after her)
Riker:
(looks around and narrows eyes)
Captain? If all the bridge crew is down here, then whos in command?
Picard:
Lieutenant Commmander LaForge, of course.
(new scene: the bridge, LaForge in the captains chair. he is confering with the transporter
room)
LaForge:
(thumbs on intership intercom)
This is Acting Captain LaForge speaking! I want to announce a great big keg party
on the bridge!
All non-essential personell to report to the bridge and conference lounge for a real
mo-huncher of a wild party!
Bring pizza and chips and dip and stuff.
(lets go of intercom and lets out big sigh. thinks for a second. thumbs intercomm
again)
On second thought, even the essential personell should get there butts up here!
(thumbs the switch again)
Transporter Room! Energize!
(suddenly the view of the command chair and horseshoe is obstructed by stacked kegs)
(new scene: the jungle agian. Picard Riker Data Crusher and Troi are standing around)
Picard:
(smiles)
Mr. LaForge is very reliable in command.
Riker:
(smiles. gives Data nod. Data shrugs)
Captain? Where do you want to start searching?
Picard:
(just noticing Crushers new curves. a bit wistful)
Hmmm?
(turns to Riker)
Oh! That!
(thinks)
Lets go, (looks around and points at random) that way!
(walks into jungle. hear a yell. Picard reemerges. points in opposite direction)
That way.
(starts walking away)
Data:
(starts to follow Picard)
Captain? May I ask why you yelled?
Picard:
(keeps walking. speeds up)
Because there are angry Klingons over there!
(suddenly a bunch of angry Klingons jump out and the Away team starts to run. Running
to get away from the Klingons Picard suddenly drops out of sight. Data stops suddenly
and Riker slams into him, knocking him over. Riker and Data dissapear. Troi and Crusher
are too slow and get surrounded by the Klingons)
Troi:
(being held by a big Klingon)
Let go of us you savage bruts!
Crusher:
(also being restained. sarcastic)
Oh, thats good, just insult them! Its not like they have painsticks and disruptors
or anything.
Troi:
(struggling)
Well! I don't see you doing anything!
Crusher:
(more sarcastic. being dragged away)
Way to go Counselor!
(new scene: A dark pit. Picard lays in heap, moaning. Data lays nearby with Riker
dumped on top of him. Data moves and pushes Riker off. Riker jumps)
Riker:
(startled)
Hey! Don't touch me there! It makes me uncomfortable!
(looks around sheepishly)
Data:
(standing. walks over to Picard. shakes Picard)
Picard:
(not very awake. mumbles)
Not now mummy, let me sleep some more.
Data:
(gives Riker a look. Riker shakes his head)
Riker:
(standing and looking around)
Where are we?
Data:
(takes a look around)
Looks like a dark pit.
Riker:
(annoyed)
I can see that! I mean more than that!
Data:
(cocks his head)
I'd say an illumination deficient subterrainean cavern system.
(looks up)
We appear to have fallen through its ceiling.
Riker:
(searchig around in the dark)
I wonder what happened to Troi and Crusher.
Data:
(giving a quizzical look)
Do you really care?
Riker:
(still searching)
Not about Troi. But Crushers got some slopes I wouldn't mind sliding on.
Data:
(shaking his head and looking at the wals again)
You humans are rather narrow minded.
Riker:
(sounding farther off)
Gotta have goals.
Data:
(turns to where Rikers voice)
Have you found a passage?
Riker:
(sounding even farher off)
Yeah! Its some kind of tunnel!
Hoist Picard and lets go this way!
Data:
(looks down at the sleeping Captain)
I hope you do not get the wrong idea about this.
(reaches over and lifts Picard over his shoulder, feet forward)
(Data follow Riker down the tunnel. Slowly it becomes brighter. The tunnel turns.
As Riker and the encumbered Data turn the corner the light blinds them. They hold
there arms up to block the light. When their eys adjust they see several figures
standing infront of them with phasers pointed. Picard just starts to come around)
Picard:
(hanging over Datas back)
What the hell?
Riker:
(sees figures. looks at Data)
Whoops!
(turns on his heal and starts running)
Data:
(pulls Picard over his shoulder and launches the confused Captain
at the figures. Data turns and skeedaddles)
(With Data running away and Picard sailing through the air the figures barely have
time to react. A phaser on stun shoots the flying captain. But the body still falls
on top of the figures, knocking them down. Riker comes sround the corner and runs
into more figures. Data runs into the gapping Riker and knocks him down. Data remains
standing with his hands in the air.)
Riker:
(out of breath)
This running and falling down business is getting out of hand.
Center Figure:
(steps forward and grabs Riker by the collar, dragging him to his feet.
looks deep into Rikers eyes. to dark to see figures face)
Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
Riker:
(incredulous (not believing))
What?
Center Figure:
(a little louder)
Do you have any Grey Poupon?
Riker:
(looks down at his dirty uniform. throws a look at Data. Data
is no less knowledgable. looks back at Center Figure)
Uh, not on me.
Center Figure:
(tisking, like tisk tisk tisk)
Thats unfortunate.
(he looks up to his fellows)
I guess we'll just have to take you hostage.
(reaches out and takes Rikers Commbadge and phaser)
Riker:
(gasping)
What? Wait! We haven't had time to get to know each other.
(desperate)
Lets sit down and chew the fat! Swap dirty jokes!
(the other figures move forward and take charge of Data and Riker)
Riker:
(protesting)
But we haven't even been introduced!!
(the figure drag Riker away and lead Data. a smaller figure comes forward to the
Center Figure)
New Figure:
(nervous)
Sire, we have another, he's been stunned.
We also have their phasers and communicators.
Center Figure:
Good! These three will make good bantha fodder,
(pretendes to catch himself)
I mean bargaining chips!
(smiles. teeth seem to glow)
The Great Front Loader has been gracious. Very gracious...
To Be Continued...
|
