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(new scene: Transporter Room Three. Picard Riker and Data are standing
around. O'Brien is behind the control panel playing with the slidy things.)
Picards Voice:
Captains Log: Star Date: 365, 4, Mecca Lecca High Mecca
Hiney Hoe. The Enterprise has stopped by the planet
Major Pain to pick up a special Federation Envoy to
the Klingon Empire. While highly irritated at being used
for such a menial bus boy task, there is good news as
the Envoy has the newest Main Computer Core update,
which I for one am looking forward too.
(everyone turns to the transprter area as it begins to shimmer. However, instead
of a person appearing in the shimmering haze, only a set of cloths (pants, shirt,
underwear, socks, shoes) falls to the floor)
O'Brien:
Opps.
(quickly slides slider things back. cloths dissappear)
Picard:
(in alarm)
Mr. O'Brien, what has happened?
(turns to O'Brien)
O'Brien:
(everyone is staring at him)
I, uh, didn't have, uh, quite
the transporter lock on as I thought.
(puts finger in collor to loosen it)
Lets try that again.
(slides sliders up again. transporter hums and a figure appears. the figure is clutching
his crumpled cloths against his naked body. once transport is complete he runs down
and hides behind the transporter control terminal, while O'Brien jumps out from behind
to make room)
Picard:
(highly uncomfortable. staring at O'Brien, while talking to Fed Guy)
Mr. Fed Guy, I, uh, don't know what to say. We uh,...
Fed Guy:
(trying to remain calm while totaly nude)
Hey, no problem! The guys, like, said something
like this might happen! And you can call me Guy.
Picard:
(looks at Riker, who's almost bursting with laughter. looks at Data)
Mr. Data, please escort, Mr. Guy to his quarters.
Data:
Certainly, Captain. (motions to Guy)
Guy:
(from behind transporter terminal. a tad bit embaressed)
If you noticed, I'm rather NUDE right now. Could I like, put
cloths back on? Before I go parading around like a cock
in a henhouse.
Data:
Certainly,
(looks at O'Brien)
Chief?
O'Brien:
(stepping away. puts hands up)
Hey, he can't have my cloths.
Guy:
(more embaressed)
No, no, I just need to put MY cloths on.
O'Brien:
(shooing Guy away)
Theres a bathroom up into the diagnostic
room on the left.
Guy:
(walks backward away from the rest. has tense smile)
On the left.
O'Brien:
(contiues shooing)
The left.
(Guy dissappears)
Riker:
(bright red)
Sir, (chokes) may I be, (choke) excused please.
(tears of laughter are streaming down Rikers face)
Picard:
(uneasy)
Of course, Number One. I'll join you on the bridge.
(dismisses Riker. Riker bolts out into the hallway. after the
doors close, we hear howling laughter)
Data:
Captain, I will wait for Mr. Guy to return from the lavatory.
Picard:
(turning to follow Riker. very stressed)
Thank you, Data.
Break to theme and Opening Credits
(opening credits and titles! With cool special effects)
Picard Voice Over:
(hushed with awe. you see a comet and planets go by)
Outer Space, the final frontier,
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise,
Her continuing mission, to seek out new QuickyMarts
and new convenience stores,
To boldly go where no one else
is stupid enough to go!
(new scene: Bridge, Riker is behind horseshoe with Worf. Troi in sitting is at number
two science station (on the left, facing the back) Wesly is at Helm and Ensign of
the Week is at Ops. There is also some guy with no lines at the number one science
station but he doesn't matter)
Riker:
(leaning on horse shoe. moving hands to illustrate story. laughing)
So this girl walks into a bar with a duck under her
arm. She walks over to the the bar and sets down the duck. Now
theres this drunk at the bar too and he looks at the lady and
says 'Thats one ugly looking dog, you got there!' so then...
Worf:
(interrupting)
She pulls out a Gal'kaj blade and slits his throat!
(laughs)
That is an old favorite of mine!
Riker:
(confused)
Thats not how I heard it.
Worf:
(pats Riker on the shoulder. smiles)
It is alright, Commander.
Remember, its not the joke but how you tell it.
(stops smiling. turns back to Tactical)
Riker:
(even more confused)
But that wasn't funny. That makes no sense at all.
(Worf glares at him. stands straight)
The joke is supposed to go, so then she says 'Shows what you know, its a
duck.' and the drunk says 'I was talking to the duck.
(Riker laughs. Worf scowls)
Worf:
(turns to Riker. almost angry)
That is not funny.
(Riker stops laughing)
I see no humor in that.
Riker:
(protesting)
But Worf, thats a great joke.
Worf:
(glares)
Riker:
(sighs)
Okay, fine. How about another one? A Ferengi and a
Bajoran are walking through the jungle of a lush tropical world.
Suddenly a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast jumps out and siezes the
Bajoran, dragging her off. 'Shoot! Shoot!' she screamed.
(pauses)
The Ferengi yells back 'I can't, I ran out of film.'
(Riker laughs and slaps his knee)
Worf:
(looks annoyed, crosses his arms)
The Ferengi is very stupid.
He has no honor.
Riker: (stops laughing and stares at Worf. mouth open)
Troi:
(standing and walking toward the turbolift)
Your jokes never were funny, Wil.
(steps into turbolift)
Riker:
(turns to Troi. just before turbolift doors close)
But those noises you make when you climax are.
(Trois face lights up and starts to yell back just as the doors close)
Worf:
Commander, I do not understand something.
Riker:
(smiling. turning back to Worf)
Its okay if you don't get my jokes, some of them are corny.
Worf:
(uncrossing his arms)
That is an understatement.
(skakes his head)
But that is not what I was asking, why did the writers
make it so that you and Troi had once been...
(shivers at thought)
..lovers?
Riker:
(smiles)
Oh, thats an easy one. They thought Kathy Ireland
was going to play the part. But she turned 'em down to star
in 'Necessary Roughness'.
Worf:
(shrugs)
Can't have it all.
Riker:
(lowers his voice and nods his head toward the Ensign of the Week)
Speaking of having it all, have you seen the melons on that one?
Worf:
(smiles)
As a matter of fact...
(breaths on nails and buffs them on his shirt)
Riker:
(looks astounded)
No way! Did you get her pants off?
Worf:
(smiles and shows his teeth)
There is more than one fox in this chicken coup.
Riker:
(slaps Worf on the back)
You sly old dog you!
(behind Riker the turbolift opens and Picard steps out)
Picard:
Status, Mr. Riker.
(Riker turns to Picard)
Riker:
(shrugs)
Oh, I'm a little tired, I guess, a little sore from last
night with that Astro Lab Lieutenant, can't complain really.
Picard:
(looks at Riker like a madman)
No, about the ship!
Riker:
(straightens up)
Oh right. On course!
Picard:
(turns and walks down around to ready room)
Mr. Worf, please forward a copy of the Main Computer Update to my ready room.
(goes into ready room. turbo lift doors open again and Data
and Fed Guy step out)
Data:
And this is the Bridge. The nerve center of the whole ship.
Guy:
Wow! This is neat!
(runs over to Tactical. Riker steps back with
blank stern face. Worf glares. Fed Guy starts pushing buttons)
Wow! Look at the pretty colors!
Worf:
(being protective)
Excuse me, Mr. Fed Guy...
Guy:
(interupts)
Hey, you can call me Guy.
(pushes another button)
Whats this one marked 'Phaser lock' do?
Worf:
(looks at Riker. Riker shrugs. looks at Data. Data just stand there)
Excuse me, (disgusted) Guy. If you do not stop touching
MY tactical station, I will be forced to break your fingers.
Guy:
(stops with tactical. looks at Worf)
Oh, come on, this is neat.
Worf:
(very memancing)
One at a time.
Guy:
(backs down)
Okay, it was all in good fun.
(turns to Data)
I have to speak with the Captain.
Data:
Worf? Where is the Captain.
Worf:
He is in his ready room.
(Data and Guy walk away. to Riker)
I hate Fed people. What a bunch of dolts.
(looks at Riker again)
Wanna see my SimCity?
(Riker nods. Worf pulls up the program
on the tactical display)
(new scene: Captains Ready Room. Picard is sitting behind his desk very intent on
his moniter. the door chimes. Picard looks up from his computer)
Picard:
(to door)
Come!
(doors open sna Data and Guy step in. Picard
stands and holds out his hand)
Again, welcome aboard the Enterprise, I hope your cabin is satisfactory.
Guy:
(looking at Picards fish tank)
Not really. I don't have enough flashing lights in my room. I feel less important.
I want
more flashing lights. And program my bathroom to play a trumpet
fan fare and have a crowd cheer when I use the toilet. It helps me to relax.
Picard:
(uneasy)
I, uh, will see what can be done.
(motions for Guy to sit. Guy sits. so does Data.)
I was just reviewing the Main Computer update. Its quite fascinating.
Data:
Captain, I thought the update was the Four Hundredth Anniversary
Edition of Super Mario World.
Guy:
(stroking his chin)
Oh yes! I used to love that game when I
was knee high to a grass hopper.
Picard:
(not caring)
Oh, thats nice.
(stands and walks over to food replicator. to Guy)
Would you like something to drink?
Guy:
(excited)
Oh yes! I'll have a Shirley Temple! If you have them.
Picard:
(looks at Data)
Data:
No thank you Captain, I do not consume liquid refreshments.
(when Picard turns his back)
Unless its Wild Turkey or Zima.
Picard:
(to food replicator)
Earl Grey. Hot. Shirley Temple. Cool.
(two cups appear. a tea cup and a little tippy cup with a frilly
straw poking out. Picard takes the two and hands the tea cup to
Guy. Picard starts to sip out of the tippy cup, cunningly
avoiding the frilly straw)
Guy:
(pouting)
I want a frilly straw tippy cup too.
Picard:
(like to a child)
Only got one, and its mine.
(Guy sticks his tongue out at Picard)
Now, Mr. Fed Guy, you are the Special Envoy to the Klingon Empire.
What kind of work does that mean?
Guy:
(slurping his Shirley Temple)
Well, mostly I get paid huge gobs of money to travel first class to strange planets
where
they treat me like a pagean god and play AC/DC and have bitchin' parties.
Picard:
(showing real sympathy)
Must be hell.
(reaches under his desk and pulls out a brass flask)
Hmmm. This tea needs a little spice added to it.
(pours from flask. sniffs and takes a sip. Picards eyes pop out and his face turns
beat red.
he throws the tea across the room and starts gasping for air. choking.
Picard lunges out and graps Guys drink and takes a big gulp, gargles whats left)
Data:
Captain? Are you alright, or are you expressing some kind of distress.
Picard:
(choking and gasping)
Mr. Data, I thought (gasp) I asked you to (choke) refill my lucky flask (gasp) with
whisky.
Data:
(puzzled)
No Captain. You asked me to refill you Lucky Flask with
some 'really good shit'. I could not find any 'good shit' so I
improvised with some of the feces from Spots litter box. I hope
the extra litter that stuck on was not bad.
Picard:
(jumping up)
What!
(jumps to goldfish bowl and throws up. but not before scooping out fish)
Blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
Data:
(still puzzle)
I see that I must have misunderstood.
(shakes his head)
These human metaphore are very confusing.
Picard:
(to food replicator)
Water. Water.
(water appears. Picard chugs it down)
Rikers Voice:
Captain. We have reached the Klingon Homeworld.
Picard:
(still gasping)
Be right with you, Number One.
(new scene. the bridge. Worf and Riker are leaning on the horseshoe at tactical swapping
off colored jokes. Wesley is at helm. Ensign of the Week is at Ops. Some loser ensign
we'll never know about is at science station one)
Picard:
(stepping out of ready room followed by Guy and Data)
Hail the Klingon Goverment, Mr. Worf.
Worf:
(waving Picard off)
Wait, he's just about to tell the punchline.
Picard:
(irritated. walks over in front of commnad chair and glares at Worf)
Mr. Worf!
Worf:
(turns to Picard. starts to punch buttons. when Picard turns around)
Jeez, what crawled up your ass and died.
Picard:
Ensign Crusher, slow to impulse speed.
Riker:
(walking down around horseshoe to stand next to Picard)
Why bother slowing down?
(looks at Guy)
Lets do a near warp transport and get the hell out of here.
Picard:
Mr. Riker do you have something against the Klingon Homeworld?
Riker:
(aside to Picard)
No offense, but the last time we were here they had a civil war.
Picard:
(nonchalant)
I'm sure everything is alright now.
Worf:
Hail returned. Gowron Head of Council on screen.
(viewer changes from stars and Gowron appears)
Picard:
(raises his hand in a 'hi' way. realizes he is still holding
fish. looks around and hands fish to Riker. Riker stares at the
gasping fish and throws it up to Worf. Worf grins and starts to
put fish in his mouth. Riker mouths 'No stupid! Put it in
water!'. Worf looks said and turns to Ensign at Science Station
and tells him to take the fish and get it some water. Ensign
leaves the bridge. Picard waves at Gowron)
Chairman Gowron, I had not expected you personaly. It is quite a pleasure.
Gowron:
(scowling)
I would have left it to an underling, but, no offense, every time
you guys come here, we have a civil war.
Riker:
(grins at Picard)
Picard:
(straightens uniform)
Ah, well, we have your Special Federation
Envoy here and will just drop him off and get out of you life
so you can go back to slashing your wrists or beating you selfs
with painsticks, or whatever your fancy is.
Gowron:
(scowling)
Special Envoy?
Guy:
(gives stupid smile)
Hi!
Gowron:
(scowls more intensly)
Well, don't bother coming here. Take him to where he's needed.
We're having some troubles with some colonists on a fringe world.
Picard:
(furrows brow)
Oh? What kind of trouble?
Gowron:
Some of the colonist are not Klingon and they don't like the cooking.
Riker:
(makes a face)
Worf:
(sucks in his chest. proud of Klingon cooking)
Picard:
(rolls his eyes)
Oh, right, I can see how that is such an urgent issue.
We'll just run this guy way out out of our way for
some guy who hasn't got any Grey Poupon.
(point finger)
Starfleet is not a taxi service!
Gowron:
(scowls more)
No Picard! The non-Klingons are on strike! And
they are the only ones who will do the laundry!
Worf:
(bellows)
Klingons do not do laundry!
Gowron:
(smiles. to Worf)
I see being among spineless human scum hasn't weakened you, Worf.
(to Picard)
If you will take him there. It would be seen as a measure of good will.
The planet is Happy Flower in the WheresWaldo Sector. Ka Plah Picard!
Picard:
Guseinhiet Gowron.
(screen changes back to stars)
Riker:
(turns to Worf)
Planet Happy Flower?
Worf:
(indignent)
It is named after one of our stranger saints.
Picard:
(to Data)
How long to Planet Happy Flower?
Data:
The planet is on the fringes of Klingon space. It will take nine
hours and ten minutes and forty seconds and forty milliseconds and...
Picard:
(annoyed)
Thank you, Mr. Data. Ensign Crusher plot a course to the Planet Happy Flower.
(turns back to Riker. eyes Guy, Guy beams stupidly)
I really hate doing this shuttle boy stuff.
Riker:
(whispers to Picard)
Wanna stuff him in a photon torpedo tube and shoot him there?
Picard:
(considering the Idea)
No, Gowron asked us personaly.
(sighs and folds arms)
We have to take him all the way.
Riker:
(looks at Guy)
Well, we can always confine him to his quarters till we get there.
That way we can pretend we're doing something
important and not being a highly armed bus service.
Picard:
(raises his eyebrows)
Yeah! We could pretend that we're on a secret mission!
So secret we don't even know what it is!
Riker:
(slaps Picard on his shoulder. Picard gives Riker the evil eye
and 'Don't touch me look')
Picard:
Mr. Worf, escort Mr. Fed Guy to his quarter and lock him in.
Worf:
(puzzled)
Why?
Picard:
(winks at Riker)
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!
(Riker laughs. Worf walks down and grabs Guy by the shoulder.
Guy just smiles idiodicaly)
Worf:
(entering turbo lift. dragging Fed Guy)
Some people are too easily amused.
(new scene: Sickbay. Doctor Crusher is holding her tricorder at Picards elbow)
Crusher:
(fake serious)
Oh! This is terrible! How did you do it?
Picard:
I was sitting in my command chair on the bridge and I stretched
out my arm for dramatic emphisis when I said 'Engage' and the
sucker just cracked. The whole bridge heard it.
It's hurt ever since.
Crusher:
(cooing)
Oh, you'll be fine.
(straightens up and puts away tricorder. flicks her hair back)
So, my quarters or yours?
Picard:
(not understanding. rubs elbow)
What?
Crusher:
My quarters or yours?
Picard:
(looks at Crusher like shes crazy)
What are you talking about?
Crusher:
Oh, come on, Jean Luc. I know why you really came down here!
(starts to rub Picards chest)
We're both adults here.
Picard:
(confirmed in his fear that Crusher is bonkers)
What?
Crusher:
God! You make a pass at a woman and you don't even know it!
Sex, Jean Luc! Sex! Did you think we'd do it on the main diagnostic table?
Picard:
(horrified)
What are you talking about?!?!
(gets off table and steps away)
Crusher:
(stepping closer to Picard)
On come on, everybody on this ship
has gotten laid but me and the writers didn't make that whole
ambiguous romance thing between you and me for nothing! I wanna
ride the bald headed champ!
(Picard steps away again and rubs skalp)
The other bald champ!
(Picard covers his privates)
Picard:
(stepping qickly away)
Doctor, I feel much better now. I hope
you get what you need. Good day.
(bolts out of sickbay)
Crusher:
(yelling at the cieling)
Damnit! This celebicy thing was not in my contract! If I'm not gonna get any,
I at least want a better person to play me!
(there is a sudden flash of light and Crusher is now played by
(name removed for privacy (don't you hate that?).) Crusher looks in the mirror)
Better.
(writers note: This should make things more interesting)
(new scene: the bridge. Picard is sitting in the command chair. Riker is up at tactiacl
with Worf. Ensign of the Week is at Helm and Data is at Ops)
Data:
Arriving at planet Happy Flower.
Picard:
Hail them.
Worf:
Aye sir.
(almost immediatly)
No response.
Picard:
(turns to Worf)
Why don't you let it ring a bit longer, eh?
Worf:
(very irritated)
Hailing. One Ringy Dingy. Two Ringy Dingys
Three Ringy Dingys. Four Ringy Dingys.
(suddenly the viewscreen lights up. its the image of a young Klingon)
Young Klingon:
Hello, I'm sorry there is no one to answer your call
right now. But it doesn't matter because your
tresapassing is Klingon Territory and your are about to
die a horrible death. Please leave your final words or
maybe a nice cursed at the beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Picard:
This is Captain Jean Luc Picard, of the Federation starship
Enterprise. We are here on special orders from Gowron to deliver
the Federation Special Envoy. He will be beamed down shortly.
Young Kilingon (recorded message):
Thank you for that nice message, now prepare for your terminal demise.
(veiwer goes to starfield. starfield is suddenly filled with five armed
Klingon Bird Of Prey attack cruisers. BOP's start firing)
Picard:
(as viewer lights up with photons)
Oh shit. I hate answering machines.
(dramtic music and fanfare)
To be continued...
(End music and credits.)
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