Star Trek
Finding Fault
by Dave Dugan
(david_dugan@comcast.net)

Finding Fault

ACT I

First, see a shot of the Enterprise orbiting Earth

KIRK (Captain's log voice over)

Captain's Log stardate 90210. We are orbiting the Earth in the year

Cut to transporter room. Kirk, Spock, McCoy , Sulu, Uhura and Chekhov are preparing to beam down to Earth.

McCOY

What the blazes is this all about!? Why do we have to go back to San Francisco?

SPOCK

Today is October 17, 1989. At approximately 15.24 seconds after 5:04 PM, a magnitude 7.1 earthquake will strike the San Francisco bay area. The Klingons plan to start an earthquake on the peninsula segment of the San Andreas Fault at exactly the same time, devastating all of what used to be called Silicon Valley.

KIRK

If I remember right, most people in this area weren't insured against earthquake damage. They had no fault insurance.

McCOY

So what are we going to do about?

SPOCK

The Klingons intend to detonate a small anti-matter device under San Andreas Lake. By the Organian Time Travel Treaty neither we nor the Klingons are allowed to beam there directly. The Klingons are only allowed the anti-matter device and a communicator. In addition, neither nor the Klingons can use motorized transport to reach San Andreas Lake.

KIRK

The designated beam down point is at the Bicycle Outfitter in Los Altos California. The Klingons also got their transportation there.

McCOY

So, we are going to chase the Klingons on bicycles? Are you nuts?

KIRK

Do you have a better idea? Or would you rather run?

McCOY

I'd rather walk!. By the way, aren't Klingons going to look out of place on 20th century Earth?

KIRK

Well, this is California. Nothing would look out of place. Comments anyone?

UHURA

This is the first time I've had any dialog in this episode. I hope I get more lines than this.

KIRK

Energize!

Kirk, Spock and company are all beamed down to Los Altos. Spock forgets to cover up his ears. While everybody else goes into the Bicycle Outfitter, Sulu goes into a nearby store to get some advanced long range weapons.

Kirk goes up to the counter in the bicycle store.

KIRK

Did some Klingons come in here and rent bicycles?

The guy behind the counter is wearing a "beam me up Scotty" tee shirt

CLERK

You mean some big guys, dark skinned with mullets and something funny looking on their foreheads.

KIRK

Yeah.

CLERK

There were two of them. They called themselves Kra'appe and Kre'eep and asked me if I liked earthquakes. Both rented Kestrel road bikes with carbon composite frames. They left about two minutes ago. What can I do for you?

SCOTTY

What kind of bikes should we get?

KIRK

Treks.

McCOY

of course!!

Sulu walks in with what looks like a huge squirt gun. McCoy is the first to notice it.

McCOY

What the blazes is that!?

SULU

it's a SuperSoaker 10000 with a range of about 100 meters! Isn't it a beauty? I've always wanted one of these for my collection! Once pumped up, it can squirt a jet of water accurately up to 100 meters! The Klingons bought one. What did the Klingons get for bicycles?

Meanwhile, Scotty is looking at CO2 cylinders for rapidly inflating tires.

KIRK

Kestrels.

SULU

A Kestrel is a bird of prey.

UHURA

The carbon composite frame would absorb radar waves.

Sulu now was a huge grin on his face.

SULU

A Klingon bird of prey, with cloaking device!!

Hear groans in the background.

KIRK

Everyone, we should get started soon!

CHEKHOV

But how do we get there?

SULU

I know my way around here. We take Foothill Expressway to Sand Hill Road. We take that to Whisky Hill Road, then to Woodside Road. We go onto Canada Road all the way to the end. Finally, we take Sawyer Camp Trail up to San Andreas Lake.

Uhura walks in carry a bullhorn.

UHURA (using bullhorn)

HOW FAR IS THAT?

SPOCK

Approximately 27.5 miles.

McCOY

Almost 30 miles? You're out of your Vulcan mind!!

KIRK

Bones, we've got to get started.

They all get on Trek bicycles. The group starts going down Foothill Expressway. McCoy falls behind.

KIRK

Bones, you have to go faster or we won't catch the Kilingons.

McCOY

I'm a doctor, not Greg LaMond!!

Dramatic music, then cut to commercials

ACT II

Long shot of Enterprise officers on bicycles approaching a stoplight.

KIRK (Captain's log voice over)

Captain's Log hut 00, hut 01, hut 10, hut 11, Hike! We are in hot pursuit of the Klingons. We must stop them before they reach San Andreas Lake or there will be an irreparable rift in Earth history. Our immediate task: to get our ship's surgeon to ride faster and to shut up.

Closer shot of McCoy and Sulu on bicycles. Sulu gives McCoy a gooey piece of food in a wrapper.

McCOY

What is this stuff?

SULU

It's a power bar. It will give more energy. It's also useful in stopping attacking dogs.

McCOY

How?

SULU

You just feed it to the dog. The dog will be so busy chewing it that it can't attack you. Captain, we are at our first turn. We have to turn left onto Sand Hill Road. We have to go up a moderate hill.

McCOY

Oh Joy!!

The light turns green. They turn left and start a gradual climb. Unknown to the Enterprise crew, the Klingons are approaching from behind. Dramatic music as the Klingons close in on Kirk and company.

CHEKHOV

Klingons approaching us from behind! They were supposed to be in front of us!

A small device mounted on Chekhov's bike gives the distance to the Klingons. No one knows how it got there.

CHEKHOV

Enemy wessels at 150 meters and closing. Wessels now at 100 meters. We are within Klingon phaser range.

As he says this, there is the sound of Klingon phasers. The Klingon SuperSoaker drenches the Enterprise crew.

KIRK

I already know that Mr. Chekhov!!! Do we have any casualties?

MCOY

Yes! My wits!

KIRK

Increase speed to Warp 1.

CHEKHOV

Vhat is Warp one on a bicycle?

SULU

20 miles per hour.

Sulu, Chekhov and Uhura start making engine noises.

SCOTTY

Why are you making those sounds?

UHURA

If we had mountain bikes with knobby tires, it would sound like we were going warp speed! We wouldn't have to make any sounds!

CHEKHOV

Gaining on enemy wessels. Range is 200 meters.

Sulu cocks his SuperSoaker.

SULU

Phasers armed and ready.

CHEKHOV

Range is 150 meters.

KIRK

Open hailing frequencies.

Uhura turns on the bullhorn.

UHURA

Hailing frequencies open. Klingon scumbags, prepare to surrender or be bombarded with tribbles!

CHEKHOV

Enemy wessels speed increasing . Range is now 200 meters.

SULU

Now descending on Sand Hill Road. Gaining speed.

CHEKHOV

Closing on enemy wessels. Range 150 meters. Speed now Warp 2.

Dramatic music as they close in on the Klingons.

CHEKHOV

Range 100 meters. Enemy wessels are within phaser range.

We hear the sound of the Enterprise's phasers as Sulu soaks the Klingons.

SULU

A direct hit! It's a real washout!

KIRK

Scotty, I have a flat. We can't lose any time. We must catch up with the Klingons!

SCOTTY

I can use my CO2 cylinders to inflate the tire after I fix the flat. It'll take 30 seconds to inflate the tire.

KIRK

But we don't have 30 seconds!

SCOTTY

I canna change the laws of physics! I've got to have 30 seconds!

Dramatic music and cut to commercial.

ACT III

Long shot of Enterprise officers huddling around Scotty fixing a flat.

KIRK (Captain's log voice over)

Captain's Log stardate Root, Root, Root for the Home Team. Both the San Francisco Giants and the Oakland Athletics are playing each other on the World Series. In more mundane matters, Chief Engineer Scott must quickly fix a flat tire or all Earth history as we know it is doomed.

Closer shot of Scotty inflating a tire.

SCOTTY

here! It took 29 seconds to put in a new tube and inflate the tire.

SPOCK

Approximately 29.137 seconds, Mr. Scott.

KIRK

Mr. Scott, you're very good at changing the laws of physics.

SCOTTY

I have to keep my reputation as a miracle worker!

SULU

Now, we have to go down Canada road and then take Sawyer Camp Trail to San Andreas Lake.

McCOY

Are any of these roads flat?

SULU

No. Sawyer Camp Trail has a 160 foot climb.

McCOY

Oh Joy!

CHEKHOV

I heard the World Series is being played right now. Most of the greatest baseball players were Russian. For example, there was an all time leader in home runs. His name was Ivan Aaronov and he played for the Braves in Soviet Georgia.

SPOCK

His name was Henry Aaron. Commonly called hammering Hank Aaron. He played for the Atlanta Braves in Georgia, USA. In fact in 19...

KIRK

I think that's enough, Mr. Spock.

Spock looks dumfounded. He was just getting to the interesting part.

CHEKHOV

Oh vell. I bet he was a Russian immigrant. Baseball was a Russian inwention.

McCOY

Jim, what would happen if the Klingons succeed and destroy Silicon Valley?

KIRK

There would be mass destruction. There would also be a large amount of charity given to rebuild the region. Californians are generous to a fault.

Hear groans from other Enterprise officers.

SULU

Gaining on Klingon vessels. We are passing the intersection with Edgewood Road. The Pulgas Water Temple is a mile or two ahead.

Spock clears his throat.

KIRK

Spock, please don't give an "approximate" distance to five significant digits of accuracy!

SPOCK

I was only going to comment on the word Pulgas. In Spanish, it means fleas. Will we find flea infested water?

KIRK

Maybe the Klingons plan to run a flea market.

Hear more groans from the crew.

McCOY

Why is it a water temple? Did 20th century Earth have pagans who worshiped water?

SULU

It's the end of the Hetch Hetchy Aqueduct. Water from the Sierra Nevada Mountains is sent here to supply water for San Francisco.

KIRK

It's also where the Klingons will probably reload their SuperSoaker.

At this point, Uhura takes out her bullhorn and starts singing.

CHEKHOV

Musical number approaching at high warp speed.

UHURA (singing)

Do you know the way to San Jose?

I've been away do long. I may go wrong and lose my way.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

I'm going back to find some piece of mind in San Jose.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

OTHER OFFICERS (singing horribly)

Da Da Da Da DaDaDaDa Da Daaaaaaaa

SPOCK

Captain, this is most illogical. We are going towards San Francisco, not San Jose.

SULU

The Water Temple is at our left.

KIRK

Bones, do you want to stop?

McCOY

The sooner I get off this two wheeled contraption, the better.

KIRK

Ok, we'll stop.

They turn left off the road. In front of them is a building that looks like a Greek temple with a long pool of water in front of it. Next to the temple are Kra'appe and Kre'eep. Kre'eep is holding a fully loaded SuperSoaker.

UHURA

Captain, I'm frightened! NOT!

Kra'ppe bangs some of the parked Trek bicycles hard against the water temple.

KRA'APPE

For the glory of the Klingon Empire we will change Earth history and rule the Galaxy!

KIRK

But we will stop you. Your mad dreams of conquest will end here. Only we will be enterprising enough to prevail!

KRE'EEP

We will destroy Silicon valley and rule the Earth by default!

KIRK

By what fault? The San Andreas Fault? Please leave the bad earthquake jokes to me.

At this point, Kre'eep fires the SuperSoaker at the Enterprise crew and the Kilingons leave on their Kestrels.

Dramatic music and cut to commercial.

ACT IV

And now, the Earth shattering conclusion

Shot of Scotty examining the bicycles and shaking his head.

SCOTTY

They must of hit these bikes against the wall very hard. Some of the frames have a crack in them. It'll have to be repaired.

KIRK

Does this mean we lose our deposit?

SCOTTY

What I need is a tough, resilient material to hold the frames together.

He sees Sulu munching on a power bar.

SCOTTY

Gimme that!!

Scotty snatches the power bar out of Sulu's hands.

SCOTTY

This is perfect! I'll have the frames patched up in less than five minutes

Scotty finishes patching the frames, putting power bars into the cracks. They start going north on Canada Road. Kirk notices his cycle computer is no longer working.

KIRK (to his cycle computer)

For the good of the body, you must execute your prime function! You must continue to display trip distance, speed and average speed!

SPOCK

Your cyclometer is not like Nomad, Landu or M5. It is not a sentient computer. Furthermore, your batteries no longer function.

McCOY

Face it, it's dead Jim!

After going through a green light, they start going uphill. McCoy is having some trouble going up the hill.

KIRK

How's it going, Bones?

McCOY

It feels like I left my heart in San Francisco.

KIRK

Don't worry, we have only 6 more miles to go.

McCOY

You call that encouragement?

They reach the top of the hill and start descending.

SULU

The entrance to Sawyer Camp Trail will be coming up on our left.

At the start of another uphill is the entrance gate to Sawyer Camp Trail. A park ranger is at the gate.

RANGER

Be careful today. There may be newts moving across the path.

SPOCK

Fascinating! In 1995, Newt will become Speaker of the US House of Representatives.

KIRK

Are you telling me that a politician is a slimy salamander? If we run over any newts, will we alter Earth history?

They start riding again.

SPOCK

We will need some way to stop the Klingons from detonating their anti-matter device.

At this time, Kirk starts singing "Lets Do the Time Warp, Again" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The Enterprise officers try to cover their ears. Some runners and cyclists along the trail start throwing up. Chekhov is screaming in agony. Even the newts try covering their ears.

SPOCK

I believe we have found our weapon.

KIRK

Me?

Everybody nods their head.

KIRK

I'm not that bad, am I?

Again everyone nods their heads.

McCOY

if we're going to use bad singing as a weapon, we should protect ourselves. Does everyone have earplugs?

CHEKHOV

I don't. I can cover my ears with my hands.

McCOY

That's not as good as earplugs. It won't be good enough protection for singing this awful!

SULU

The climb to the dam will be starting soon.

McCOY

Everyone put in your earplugs!

They make the climb up to the dam. The Klingons are by the dam, adjusting their anti-matter device.

KRE'EEP

You can not stop us!

KIRK

Oh yes I can! What should I sing? Maybe something from 1989. My first number will be "Sowing the Seeds of Love" originally recorded by Tears for Fears.

Kirk starts butchering the song. The Klingons try covering their ears, but it doesn't help. Chekhov is screaming. A dozen or so squirrels dive into San Andreas Lake just to avoid the "singing".

KRE'EEP

Stop! This is worse than Klingon pain sticks! Stopppp! We do not have methods of torture this excruciating even in the Klingon Empire!

Kra'appe ,Kre'eep and their anti-matter device are beamed back to their ship by the Organians.

KIRK

For my next number, I will sing a Jerry Lee Lewis classic called "A Whole Lot of Shakin' Going On"

As Kirk says this, the Loma Prieta quake starts. The quake lasts for about 30 seconds. After the quake stops, Kirk tries to open his mouth but is stopped by McCoy.

McCOY

If you try to "sing" again, I'll surgically remove your vocal cords!

KIRK

How is Chekhov?

McCOY

He'll need years of intensive therapy, but he'll live.

SPOCK

At least the San Francisco Bay area is safe.

KIRK

Yes, Mr. Spock. As a result of our enterprise, the world is safe from ... whatever. I think we should trek on back to the bike shop.

They turn their bikes around and head south on Sawyer camp Trail. Start closing credits as we see some very confused newts emerging from the water.