|
(A tour of Engineering, the warp core, the moniters and stuff.
Then moves to the turbo lift and out on to the bridge.
Worf at tactical, Data at Ops and the Ensign of the Week at Helm)
Picard:
Captains Personal Log: Star Date 14352 uh, 8, hmm, Q, L, V, 42,
45, Hut Hut Hike. I have taken charge of my new command. They
call her Enterprise. She's the newest in the great line of
Gastro-intestine Class Starship. However, I have a better name
for her. Beauty. And that she is. Aside from the graceful curves
of the crew, ahem, Sorry Doctor, I mean ship, she also has a
really powerful engine. I think its a Five Point Oh! I plan on
dusting some old Hondas down on the Dragway in this baby! Whew!
And the power to weapons is really big too! I was told that we
have the power to destroy a planet, although we all know that
that is insignifigant next to the power of the bald spot.
We continue on course to Really Far Out Point.
Worf:
(caught unaware as Picard walks onto the bridge) Captain on the
bridge!
Picard:
(waves Worf away, smiles. Take a long gaze over the bridge.
Walks down and sits in center chair.) Horrrrrrrphblat!!!!!
(Very Rude noise trumpets out from under Picard. Picard jumps up
into the air. Worf snickers.) MR. WORF! (Picard is red with
rage) Who put this whoopee cushion on MY chair?!?!
Worf:
(barely controling himself with laughter) I, uh, have no idea, Captain. He he.
Picard:
(popping every vien in his neck) As Chief of Security it is
your job to see these things don't happen! (he waves his finger
at Worf) And we all know what happened to the last Chief of
Security!
Worf:
(straightening up, gaining composure) Yes, of course.
(narrows his eyes at Picard as he walks down around the horse shoe.)
I'll remember that. Next time.
(picks up the whoopee cushion)
Picard:
(still very angry) You see to it that there isn't a next time.
Worf:
(takes whoopee cushion and heads for turbo lift)
Picard:
(calming) You take that filthy thing to Security and have it destroyed!
Worf:
(stepping into the turbo lift, nearly knocking over Troi, who was
coming out) Of course, Captain Farter. he he (sniggering,
quickly jumping in turbo lift)
Picard:
(yelling at the closed turbo lift doors) I heard that! (Picard
sits gingerly, jumping up and checking the chair. Finally
sitting)
Troi:
(walks over and sits to the right of Picard) What was that all
about?
Picard:
(indignant) What? It was nothing.
Troi:
(smug) Captain, I sense a feeling of tension and a bit of anger.
You want me to do something about that?
Picard:
(aghast. Staring at Troi) Counselor! Not here! Not on the
bridge! (looks disgusted)
Troi:
(terribly embarressed, everones staring at her, an ensign at
number two science station falls out of his chair) Thats not
what...
Ensign of the Week:
(yelling out and throwing his hands into the air)
AAAAA!! Captain, a whole bunch of blinking red lights just lit my
control thingy! What do I do?
Picard:
(jumping out of his chair) What? What is it?
Ensign of the Week:
(practicly sobbing) I don't know! I don't know!
We're all gonna die! (grabs Picards sleeve and sobs into it)
Picard:
(ripping his sleeve away from the Ensign) Get a hold of
yourself man! (smacks him upside the head)
Ensign of the Week:
(stops crying, sits quietly sputtering)
Picard:
Mr Data, give me a report!
Data:
(quickly stands) Certainly Captain! The book I read was Treasure
Island. It starts out as young master Hawkins...
Picard:
(irritated) Not that you ninny!
Give me a report on oursituation!
Data:
(with a confused look) Well, I thought that was fairly obvious.
Your the bald french Captain with a mysterious english accent, and
I'm the android science officer with no emotions, used for cheap
laughs when the plot fails.
Picard:
(jumping up and down, John Cleese style) No No! You positronic
moron! About the ship! What the hell is happening with the story?!
Data:
(surprised at Picards reaction) Oh! (sits and types at key
boards) We are currently being scanned by an unknown vessle,
which is also heading straight for us. Apperently on a suicide course.
Picard:
Finaly! (smacks the Ensign of the week again and returns to his
chair. ensign of the week whimpers and slides down into his chair)
Troi:
(almost jumping out of her chair) Captain, I feel something, very
strong and powerful!
Picard:
(annoyed) Well, you probebly wouldn't have that problem if you
quit sitting on my hair tonic bottles!
Troi:
(fuming) Well, if didn't leave them lying around!
Data:
(hesitant) Captain? Should I do something about this vessle on
the crash course?
Ensign of the Week:
We're all gonna die!
Whole bridge:
Shut up!
Picard:
(brushing off some lint) They'll move. We have the right of
way. (looking up at Data) We are in the carpool lane.
Data:
(more forceful) Uh, Captain, I do not think that they are going
to move.
Picard:
Fine! Jeez, who pussy whipped you? Change course to, oh, 112.01
Data:
Captain? That would take us into the center of the star Eppi
Gappi Noupou.
Picard:
(testy) Well fine, then you make up some silly coordinates!
Troi:
Captain, I still feel that powerful sensation!
Picard:
(very irritaited) Then stand up for crimminy sakes, or go to
the bathroom!
Troi:
No, you hairless twit! Its an emotion! An empathic message! A plot
twist!
Picard:
(stunned) Well fine then, what is it?
Troi:
I can't describe it, thats all there was in my script. Strong and
powerful!
Ensign at Tactical:
(leaning over the horseshoe, love struck at Troi)
I'll give you something strong and powerful, baby.
Data:
Captain! The vessle has changed course also and is still on
collision course!
Ensign of the Week:
(whining) We're all gonna die!
Picard:
(jumping out of his chair to stand over Datas shoulder.) What do
you mean? (turns to tactical. the tactical guy is drooling over
troi) Hail them, Ensign at Tactical.
Ensign at Tactical:
(starting, quickly punching lots of buttons)
Yes Captain!
(starts singing)
All hail the mystery vessle!
He's the greatest! He's the best! What a guy!
All hail the mystery vessle!
We love him so! Hey, heres to that guy!
Picard:
(everyones staring at the Ensign at Tactical)
Ensign? Have you been snorting dilithium again?
(Ensign stops singing. Worf steps out of the turbo
lift and pushs the Ensign at Tactical out of the way.)
Mr. Worf, hail, er contact the other vessle.
Worf:
Yes Captain, I... (Worf is cut off by a blinding flash of light
and the sudden appearence of Q, who is dressed like Elvis before
he was fat and on drugs)
Q:
(speaking to the whole bridge, chairs notwithstanding) You are
ordered to return to your part of the galaxy! And to pay several
outstanding speeding tickets from the last couple of guys who went
through here!
Break to theme and Opening Credits
(opening credits and titles! With cool special effects)
Picard Voice Over:
(hushed with awe. you see a comet and planets go by)
Outer Space, the final frontier,
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise,
Her continuing mission, to seek out new fast food
restuarants and pizza places,
To boldly go where no one else
is stupid enough to go!
(The bridge. Picard is standing to face Q. Troi is cringing in fear.
Worf has drawn his phaser. Data has also stood. Ensign of the Week has fainted dead
away.)
Picard:
(angry) Who are you? What are you doing on my ship? And why do
you mock me by dressing up like Elvis? Everyone knows
I hate him!
Q:
(turning away and walking up horse shoe toward Worf. Worf growls)
Who I am does not matter. What you are going to do does.
(turns back to Picard and points)
You will do as ordered!
Picard:
(eyeing Worf, who was about to jump on Q.)
Mr. Worf!
Q:
(slowly turning to watch Worf suddenly
look busy at the tactical display. Q sneers)
You will do as I say or you will pay!
(suddenly taken aback by his own sentence)
Wow, that was really tacky, who wrotethis?
Picard:
Just another upstart, who's found that making fun of an
established show is easier than writing real stuff.
Troi:
Isn't that always the way? People work hard and break their backs
to achieve success, and then some lazy slob comes along and
trash's em for a quick buck and an easy laugh.
Q:
Quite! But back to the plot at hand! You will go back!
Data:
Even with order from The King,
I am afraid that we cannot do as you say.
Picard:
Mr. Data, is right, we really don't have any cash on hand for
those fines. You'll have to contact Starfleet and make a
direct formal complaint!
Q:
(stretching out his arm at Picard, fingers all splayed out)
My Powers Are Beyond Your Understanding!
Picard:
Oh, right.
(looking around at the rest of the crew, puzzled)
Well, if you don't mind we have a mission to attend to.
(turning away)
Q:
But I'm going to put you on court for the crimes of humanity!
Picard:
I don't think so. I'm afraid that we have a serious matter ahead of us.
Proving that we can last in syndication! And a plot to follow anyway.
(turns away)
So thanks, but no thanks.
(sits)
Q:
(terribly perplexed)
But aren't you afraid? You should be groveling
in abject fear! I don't understand!
Picard:
(hautily)
Well, you see, I know something you don't.
Data:
(also puzzled)
I am curious Captain. What is it that you know?
Picard:
(proudly looking from Data to Troi and then to Q)
I happen to know that this show has been slotted for at least six episodes!
So they can't just kill us all in the first episode! They'd lose
all their money in merchandising! Little Bald Picard dolls, life
size squeezable Troi's and the ever popular Warrior Klingon Worf jammies!
Worf:
I protest! Klingons do not wear jammies!
Troi:
Thats very clever, Captain.
Picard:
(buffing his nails on his uniform)
You have to know these
things when your a Captain, you know.
Worf:
With all that in mind, may I throw the intruder out of theairlock?
Picard:
(eyeing Q coldly)
Certainly Mr. Worf. Make it so.
Q:
(stepping back in fear, from the advancing Worf)
Wait! Theres something you didn't think of!
Picard:
Oh?
(really proud of himself)
Q:
(moving away from Worf)
I may not be able to kill all of you, but I
could kill you and then the producers could get a new younger
Captain, with more hair and sex appeal.
Picard:
(jumping up and clawing at his head)
OhmiGod! Thats true! StopMr.Worf. Stop Now!
(Worf hesitates and continues toward Q. Q cringes)
That an order! Stop!
Worf:
(turns toward Picard)
Oh! Puh-leez? Just this once!
Picard:
(clawing at his head still)
No! NONONONONONO!
Troi:
(standing and taking Picards hand, calming)
Its alright Captain, a recent survey shows that more
modern women see baldness as very sexy.
Picard:
(whimpers like a child)
Really? True?
(suddenly puffs up chest again.)
Ensign of the Week! Go to Warp Nine! Prepare for
emergancy saucer seperation!
Q:
You have a couple of minutes to prpare for that trial I mentioned!
(theres a blinding flash of light and Q is gone. Worf huffs at his
lost prey ans glares at Picard.)
Data:
(moving over to Troi, whispering)
Is it really true that women think baldness is sexy?
Troi:
(screws up her face in disgust)
No! Ewww!
(Data gives a puzzled look)
Well, I had to do something! You saw him!
He was breaking up!
Picard:
(still giving orders)
Mr. Worf, You will command the saucer
section and continue to Really Far Out Point.
Worf:
(angry)
I protest! I want to fight this being too!
Picard:
(moving toward the emergancy turbolift to the battle bridge)
Another day, Mr. Worf.
Worf:
(whining)
But I'll look like a wuss in the pilot episode!
Data:
(following Picard into the turbolift)
Do not worry, Worf! I am sure you will be able to
kick some ass before the seasons over.
Worf:
(menacing)
Better.
(Cut away to space, Enterprise exterior. The stars go by really really fast! Really
pumped up music plays for dramatic emphisis. Lots of bass! Close up of the saucer
as it seperates and the stardrive turns and flies away. The blob ship of the Q shoots
into view. The stardrive fires a volley of photon torpedoes which explode brilliantly
around the Q blob. However the Q blob goes through untouched and engulfs the stardrive.)
(Cut to court scene, L.A. Law type lawyers jump back as the Picard, Troi Data and
Ensign of the Week suddenly appear. Q flashes into the judges chair wearing flamboyant
wigs and red gowns.)
Q:
(very arrogant, points at Picard and laughs. some little drone bailif
runs out and shunts the Enterprise crew behind the 'defendants' box)
Bailif:
All rise before the right Honorable Court of Q.
Picard:
(still standing, adressed Q)
Is that what you call yourself?
Q:
(still very arrogant)
Yes, my little human captain. We are Q.
Picard:
Bless you!
Q:
(irritated)
No! My name is Q! Like the letter!
Troi:
Wait, is this supposed to be like People's Court?
Q:
No, its Court TV! And your ratings are going
down faster than drunk blonde at a frat party!
(out of nowhere, Mary Steenbergen, the woman defending lawyer from Philidelphia,
appears and struts across the court)
Mary:
(licking her lips at Q)
If it pleases the court.
The prosecutionwould like to begin.
Q:
(oogling Mary)
Any time honey buns. My pleasure!
(catches himself)
Of course! Ha Ha. No delays!
(bangs his gavel. Troi jumps.
Picard:
Hey, wait. Wheres our lawyer?
Q:
Oh very well!
(waves his hand. suddenly James Woods is standing in a
suit infront of the defense box.)
Picard:
(horrified)
Argh! Not him! Any one but him!
(everyone stares at
him, except Woods whos busy brushing his suit.)
He's a con artist! Didn't any of you see Diggstown ?? The con is on
?
Data:
(in a placating tone)
But Captain he won an Emmy for Citizen Cohn .
He was very good in that.
Picard:
(embarresed)
What about that two part Dream On , with the Uncle
Bouncy thing? He was horrible.
Data:
Actually sir, I saw that one the other day. He would have won that
case had it not been for the sheer stupidity of his client.
Woods:
(done buffing his nails. claps his hands)
Hey! Lets get this case moving!
Lets see some screaming and name calling.
Picard:
(white as a sheet)
Oh dear.
Bailif:
The case of the superbeing with God like magical powers and incredible good looks,
(Q smiles, bailif contiues)
versus the puny worthless savage pathetic human scum who crawl like bugs
before the graetness of the court, will come into session.
(Q bangs his gavel and Troi jumps again)
Picard:
Counselor, please control yourself!
Mary:
Prosecution will begin.
(smiles at Q, Q drools)
Fact, these people are charged with the crimes of humanity!
Fact, thses people are very angry about being charged with the crimes of humanity.
Fact, the average rainfal in the Amazon Basin in twenty seven inches.
(breathles awe from the audience. Q claps. Mary gives him an icy stare. he stops)
Fact, this one guy is bald! Yes, bald.
(more hushed awe. Picard blushes)
And he's french too! Yes Bald And French! But...
(The audience is totaly quiet in anticipation)
...he has an englishaccent!
(whispers and various murmering from the audience.
Q bangs his gavel. Troi jumps yet again!)
Q:
There will be no more outbursts from the floor or I'll turn you in to
a live studio audience for the Chevy Chase Show!
(total quiet)
Please contiue Mrs. Sternberg.
Mary: Thank you. I think I've said enough, except...
(turns and points at the Enterprise crew)
These People Are Totaly Guilty!
They Should Burn In Eternal Agony For The Countles Sins Of Their
Civilisation! Including Drinking Straight Out Of The Milk Jug
Instead Of Getting A Cup! Burn Burn Burn! Guilty Guilty Guilty!
(collecting herself. Picard is sheet white)
Thank You, your splediforous one.
Q:
(clapping loudly)
Thank you! And I do! Thank You! Now I guess thats it! (
picks up gavel. Troi tenses)
I declare the defendants Gui...
Picard:
(regaining color)
Hey, we didn't get a chance to defend our selves.
Q:
(annoyed)
Oh geez! Fine! Go ahead!
Woods:
(winks at Picard and straightens tie. Picard trembles slightly.Turns to Q.)
Okay, your Highness. heh. Maybe these guys are
charged with the crimes of humanity. And maybe, just maybe, a
smidgeon, its true! But hey! Wait a minute! Hold the farm!
(points at Picard. Picard smiles lightly)
A recent survey shows that modern women think that baldness is sexy!
And the french bit with the accent, thats a viscous lie started by his enemies
to try to get him out of Starfleet! Do you really believe a
french guy could become captain of a big technological warship?
I mean, really! A french guy! HA!
(stands in front of Mary's desk lowers tone)
Say, maybe after court, you and me, maybe, Go
where no man has gone before?
(Mary gives him a nasty look)
Okay, fine, reject me!
(turns and points at Q)
But we all knowwhere you were on the night of the tenth!
(Q jumps in surprise. Troi smiles)
Q:
What are you getting at?
Woods:
I said, we all know where you were on the night of the tenth.
Picard:
(leans across and hisses at Woods)
What the hell has that got to do with any thing.
Woods:
(hissing back at Picard)
Quiet, I've got em just where I want em!
Picard:
And where is that?
Woods:
(under his breath)
Its a skake down. He's getting edgy!
Picard:
(breathing slowly with great sarcasm)
Good plan.
Q:
Mr. Woods would you mind explaining this little accustion to the
court, or shall I just throw you out and maybe make you serve time in
some old Monkees reruns? Or maybe I can envision something more horrible?
Woods:
(visibly shaken from Q's threat. gulps)
Oh! That? Ha Ha, Nothing, just a little courtroom humor.
I think I'll finish up now. Uh.
They are not guilty.
(Q gives icy glares)
But then again maybethey are!
(runs and sits down with hands over his head.
Picard:
(to Woods)
Pardon? What was that.
Woods:
(trying to act calm)
Nothing. ha Ha. Joke. I got him in the palm
of my hand. Like putty to be molded. Nothing to worry about.
(suddenly theres a quiet music that can barely be heard)
Whats that?
Music: Hey, Hey! We're the Monkees
People say we monkey around
But we're too busy singing...
Woods:
(jumps up and shouts)
Guilty Guilty Guilty!
(Picard nearlyfaints. Woods sits, and buries his face in his hands. mumbles)
More horrible than the Monkees ?!
Q:
Now that that is finished, I hereby sentence these primates, with the
exception of the android, to...
Picard:
Wait!
Q:
(very annoyed)
Now what?
Picard:
Isn't there some other way? Can't we prove that we've changed? Some test?
Q:
What do you mean? Like an Ink blot? Or a Ouiji board? Please!
Picard:
No! A real test! Like a life test!
Q:
You mean for intelligent life? The answer is easy! You fail! No
intelligent life found here Scotty, beam me up! HAHAHA (laughs at
own joke)
Picard:
No, I mean like a decision test! Life choices!
Q:
Oh! You mean like, you're going to crash on a desert island, what
supplies do you save and what do you throw out to loose weight for
the boat? Or you've got ten people and only five can go in the
fallout shelter! Okay that sounds fun!
Picard:
Yes! Only real life, something from real life.
Q:
(thinking)
No, thats too easy! You'd pass any real life test. You've
got all those writers to get you out of corners with inane plot
devices. You've got two here already.
(points at Data and Troi)
(imitates Troi)
Captain I feel...Oh baby, I got something you can feel!
Or machine man to make up some technical crap about warp
bubbles and thermal dynamics.
Ensign of the Week:
Couldn't we have some kind of trivia test?
Enterprise crew, Mary, Woods and audience:
Shut Up!
Q:
(smiles. toys with idea)
Yesssss. That could work. Done!
(Suddenly the court dissapear and changes into a giant Trivial Pursuit Game board.
Q sits in a really tall chair in the middle.)
Picard:
(turns to Ensign of the Week)
Brilliant! Way to go! Smooth move!
Idiot! I can't believe you! Stupid!
You are soooo fired!
Troi:
Actualy Captain, with Data here, theres no chance in hell of
losing this game. Considering, he knows everything.
(Picard looks at Data. Data nods)
Picard:
(turns to Ensign of the Week)
Uh, very clever! Ha ha can't fool you!
(under his breathe)
Merde!
Q:
(yelling down from his high chair)
He who plays the game of death,
Must answer me, these questions three
Ere the other world ye see.
Data:
Ask me the questions Q. I am not afraid.
Q:
What is your name?
Data:
(puzzled look. expected something harder)
My name is Data.
Q:
What is your quest?
Data:
(still puzzled)
To boldly go where no one has gone before.
Q:
(pausing for anticipation)
What is your favorite color?
Data:
(answering without thought)
Blue!
Q:
Alright! Off you go.
(Data dissapears in a brilliance)
(Troi and Picard Exchange glances)
Ensign of the Week:
(pushes forward)
Thats easy!
Come on Q, bring it on!
Q:
(shrewed)
What is your name?
Ensign of the Week:
My name is Ensign of the Week!
Q:
What is your quest?
Ensign of the Week:
To survive more than one episode!
Q:
(again pausing)
What is the capital of the Nation Of Islam?
Ensign of the Week:
(gasps)
What? I don't know that!
(suddenly flies up into the air and erupts in to fireworks)
Picard:
Very clever Q! But I know that that is a trick question! S
o lay some on me!
Q:
(quietly eyeing Picard)
What is your name?
Picard:
Captain Jean-luc Picard of the USS Enterprise, NCC 1701-D
Q:
(impressed)
What is your quest?
Picard:
To find one of those woman from that survey!
Q:
(once again, pausing)
What is the air speed velocity of an
unlaiden swallow?
Picard:
What do you mean? A European or an African swallow?
Q:
What? What? I don't know that.
(suddenly flies up into the air and erupts into fireworks)
Troi:
Captain, how do you know so much about... Never mind...
Picard and Troi together:
You just have to know these things when your Captain, you know.
(Suddenly the Trivial Pursuit Game board dissappears and they are back on the battle
bridge)
Picard:
(sitting in his chair)
Well, that ended well.
Data:
(who had been back long enough to make himself a banana split with
hot fudge and had spilled some on his tunic)
I am pleased that you too were able to return.
However, where is the Ensign of the Week.
(Troi and Picard look at each other.)
Picard:
Cannon fodder. We'll get another one next week. Thats why their
called Ensign of the Week.
Troi:
(taking a big spoonful of Data ice cream)
Well, I can see you've been busy.
Data:
(Wiping his mouth on his sleeve)
Actually, I was just taking a brake after sinlge handedly navigating the stardrive
to
Really Far Out Point. We have just docked with the saucer section
and beamed aboard the rest of the crew.
(Suddenly there was an ship shattering roar and Q appeared on the main screen. Picard
is caught with a big spoonful of hot fudge, which drips done his front before he
pops it in his mouth.)
Q:
(Furrious)
No fair! You cheated! You cheated!
Picard:
Oh pishah! Your just jealous cause we won! Nay nah!
(give Q the raspberry)
Q:
Well, that too! I demad a rematch! The fight of the century!
Picard:
(Standing, with hand under spoon to avoid a mess)
Nope! We won fair and square! No can do! You challenged! We won!
Q:
(still fuming)
That may very well be! Fine! But I reserve the right
to returna as a plot device later in the season after a sufficient
interval! And maybe make a real nuisance of my self or introduce a
major ememy species that will eventually threaten the entire
Federation or maybe...
(fades away)
Picard:
(grimacing)
A very long interval!
(eats ice cream)
(cut away to main engineering. Picard is meeting Laforge and Riker.)
Picard:
Well, Mr. LaForge sorry you missed the excitment, I guess we
could have used your help. (Worf appears, looking irritated.
Picard notices) Something wrong Mr. Worf?
Worf:
I protest! It is the end of the first episode and I had to
run away from the fight! I look like a wuss!
Riker:
(raised eyebrows) Don't worry, Worf. There are plenty more
adventures ahead.
Worf:
(growls)
Young Voice from backround:
Hey, I'm so smart and cute! Look what I've done.
(flash of light and red blinking warning lights)
Computer:
Warning! Warp Core Breach Imminent! Warning! Anyone Who Can
Hear This Message Is Going To Die! Warning!
LaForge:
(turning around and running to deal with the problem)
Damn it! Wesly, not again!!!
Worf:
(brightening up. turning to Picard)
Sir, if I may?
Picard:
(Watching LaForge and the high pitched one of prepubescence)
Kick his ass.
Riker:
(watching Worf hulk off with raised eyebrows)
Well, this seems the start of a glorious season.
Picard:
(smiling at Riker)
Yes, it does, Mr. Riker. Yes, it does.
(hear screaming and high pitched pleas for mercy)
(Cut to ending credits and theme music)
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