Deep Space Nine
Charmed Quark
by Dave Dugan
(david_dugan@comcast.net)
Charmed Quark
Shot of the Promenade on DS9
Quark and Rom are busy selling little boxes of something.
QUARK
This was a brilliant idea! We just sell off these bits of pork as parts of your "dead" son and we make a killing.
ROM
But Nog is still alive. What if someone finds out he isn't dead?
QUARK
The 256th Rule of Acquisition says a sucker is born every minute. Besides, each box comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by me.
ROM
But the certificates are on sheets of toilet paper!
QUARK
I had to hold down costs.
A Klingon enters Quark's bar. He walks towards a sign that read "In Memory of Nog. Buy a Piece of the Legend".
KLINGON
So this is how your honor your dead.
The Klingon picks up a box and sniffs it.
KLINGON
This smells strangely like pork sausage!
At this moment, Nog walks in and says hello to his father.
KLINGON
So your son is still alive! You have no honor!
QUARK
But the sausage is still good ...
KLINGON
You deserve to die!
Quark is terrified and cowers in a corner.
QUARK
Don't you mean diet?
Just as the Klingon is about to attack the two Ferrengi, there is a bright flash of light. It is Q!
At this dramatic moment, cut to opening credits.
ACT I
Q freezes the Klingon.
Q
Now that I've put him on ice, what now? You don't seem to be very successful as a con artist. How would you like to be rich beyond your wildest dreams! What if you could do no wrong! What if everyone (or almost everyone) believed everything you said.
QUARK
What if pigs had wings, what if hell froze over and why should you do anything for me?
Q
Just think of it as a gift from my humble, omnipotent self. Besides, this series needs an interesting plot line for a change. He breathes on Quark
Q
Now you can do no wrong (or almost no wrong). Consider yourself charmed. Yes, I rather like that. You are now a charmed Quark!
Q smiles and vanishes in a flash of light.
Cut to an exterior view of the station for usual station log voice over.
SISKO
Station Log: Star date 2123.676. The Cardassians are going to return all property taken from Bajor during the occupation. I will soon be talking with the former deputy governor of the occupied territories, Gul En Hytes.
Cut to interior view of main station operations. Sisko is present, along with Dax, Major Kira and Chief O'Brien.
KIRA
Gul En Hytes is due to arrive at thirteen hundred hours today.
SISKO
Good. I hope we can establish some goodwill between Bajorans and Cardissians.
KIRA
How can we trust that lowdown Cardassian scumbag in any negotiations? I trust him less even than I trust Quark!
SISKO
Major, we are talking about our honored guest!
KIRA
Ok, Ok. Our honored guest, the lowdown Cardassian scumbag.
SISKO
That's much better!
DAX
Where is Odo? Don't we need to discuss security for this meeting?
Dax stands up. Her chair turns into Odo, who is covered with pink goo.
ODO
Dax, I wish you wouldn't stick bubblegum on your chair!
SISKO
Report.
ODO
Something very strange is going on in the Promenade. People are actually trusting Quark! At his casino, winners are mysteriously donating ALL of their winnings to Quark. That slimy little troll even claims to be a tax deductible charity!
SISKO
Very well, stick with it. Odo winces
SISKO
Chief, what's new in engineering?
O'BRIEN
We've has some trouble with the techno-babble generators. Starfleet is sending an expert to help out. He'll arrive in an hour.
Suddenly, a computer alarm goes off.
COMPUTER VOICE
Attempt to destroy a sector of main memory!
SISKO
Chief, where is the problem.
O'Brien looks at a display panel.
O'BRIEN
Whoever did this is in your quarters.
Sisko rushes to his quarters and finds Jake with Nog at a computer terminal.
SISKO
Son, why did you do this?
JAKE SISKO
Nog found his real name is in the computer. He didn't want anyone to know.
SISKO
He's ashamed of his real name?
JAKE
Uh Huh. Nog isn't his real first name. Nog is really his last name.
SISKO
What is his real first name?
JAKE
Egg.
Shot of shocked look on Commander Sisko's face. Dramatic music and cut to commercial.
ACT II
Exterior shot of Deep Space 9 for station log voice over.
SISKO
Station Log: Star Date 5440.1768. Station computers were off line earlier today due to someone spilling eggnog on main memory. Chief O'Brien informs me that things will be back to normal in an hour. Meanwhile, I eagerly await the arrival of Gul En Hytes.
Cut to a shot of the station Promenade.
Quark looks very happy, counting all his pieces of gold pressed latinum.
QUARK
Thirty two thousand three hundred and seventy six.
Thirty two thousand three hundred and seventy seven ...
He is interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. It is Odo.
ODO
Quark, you've been selling sheets of toilet paper as rare, ancient Bajorian currency. And you have been getting away with it! What is a motionless Klingon doing here?
QUARK
How do you know that? What Klingon?
ODO
I turned into a roll of toilet paper.
Quark laughes.
QUARK
You must have a really shitty job!
ODO
Quark!!!
QUARK
OK, OK. I can see you aren't affected by my charm.
ODO
Charm? What charm?
QUARK
Oh, just my natural charisma.
ODO
Bull. I've never thought of you as being charmed. Strange, yes. But never charmed. What is going on here? It will be easier on you if you tell me the truth NOW!
QUARK
I'm just having a lucky streak, that's all.
ODO
Well, just remember I'm watching everything you do.
As Odo walks away, Quark sticks out his tongue at Odo.
Cut to a shot of the main station operations area.
Dax is at the science station as Dr. Bashir walks in.
DR. BASHIR
Jadzia, Would you like to go to the Inspiration Point Nebula?
DAX
Just the two of us? Julian, I don't...
BASHIR
I've even picked the perfect Runabout for the trip. The USS Heavy Traffic.
DAX
This is too much. You don't need me to play doctor. You already are a doctor! Bye!
Bashir looks disappointed as he walks off. After he leaves, Dax gets a radio message.
DAX
Benjamin, a Captain Scott wants to dock his vessel to the station.
SISKO
Good. Our techno-babble generator expert has arrived. Give him permission to dock. Chief O'Brien, go and greet our guest.
O'Brien leaves station ops.
Cut to a shot of O'Brien entering the docking bay.
Scotty emerges from his vessel.
SCOTTY
So, you're the welcoming committee. I'm Captain Montgomery Scott. But, you can call me Scotty.
O'BRIEN
I'm Chief Miles O'Brien, Chief of Operations on Deep Space Nine.
SCOTTY
Ireland has been on the metric system for the last four centuries. Shouldn't you be called Kilometers O'Brien? Well, first things first. Lad, do you know where I could find a good bottle of scotch?
O'BRIEN
Let's go to my quarters.
They walk down some corridors and arrive at O'Brien's quarters. The door opens. The room is filled pink leaved shrubs.
O'BRIEN
These plants are new and they smell nice.
He puts his nose up against the leaves. A few minutes later, his nose starts itching. Keiko enters. O'Brien is vigorously itching his nose.
KEIKO
Miles, did you touch the plants?
O'BRIEN
What does it look like?
KEIKO
You shouldn't have touched them! They're very delicate!
O'BRIEN
So is my nose!
KEIKO
They're rare Leafus Itchimuchius from the Gamma Quadrant. The plant's leaves have properties like Earth's poison ivy.
O'BRIEN
Couldn't you at least put up a sign? Something like "Don't Touch the Plants!!!"
As domestic warfare is about to start at the O'Brien's, we cut to the Promenade. Quark is looking very pleased with himself. Suddenly, there is a flash of light and Q appears.
Q
Have you sold off half the station yet?
QUARK
I'm working on it. What's it to you?
Q
I have never seen such a display of unfettered avarice. Keep up the good work!
Q smiles and vanishes in a flash of light.
Cut to main station ops.
DAX
The Cardassian cruiser Pomposity is requesting permission to dock at docking bay 15 & 3/4ths.
KIRA
That's a good name for a Cardassian ship.
Sisko glares at her.
KIRA
Just joking, Commander.
SISKO
Open a channel. I want to speak to En Hytes.
DAX
Benjamin, the Pomposity is hailing US.
SISKO
What? Put him on the screen.
The impressive figure of En Hytes is on the view screen.
EN HYTES
Commander Sisko, I must thank you.
Sisko looks puzzled.
EN HYTES
Your agent gave me an excellent deal on your Runabouts. And you were kind enough to throw in your son's baseball card collection. All of Cardiassia thanks you!
SISKO
What?!!
EN HYTES
I'm sure I'll find a use for every single Runabout on this station.
Sisko looks angry, raising his voice.
SISKO
What the hell is going on here??!!!
ODO
Quark!!! I'm sure Quark is behind this!
Dramatic music and cut to commercial.
ACT III
Yet another exterior shot of Deep Space 9 for station log voice over.
SISKO
Station Log: Star Date 54 40 or fight. We have a serious crisis here. Recent log entries show inconsistent and non consecutive star dates. Chief O'Brien and Captain Scott are looking into the problem. There are also new developments in the "who owns our runabouts" saga. Gul En Hytes, the Klingon High Council and Cub Scout pack 324 all claim to have bought our Runabouts.
Cut to a shot of the station ops. All senior officers are there
SISKO
What do we do about the Runabouts? Three different groups claim to have bought them from Quark. If we insist the Runabouts are Federation property we may have a major diplomatic incident.
BASHIR
I suggest a time sharing arrangement like with condos on Earth.
Everybody just stares at him.
KIRA
I say we should confront Quark. Let's fight the little weasel.
SISKO
A very good idea. Major, you're elected to do it.
An angry Kira takes the lift down to the Promenade and confronts Quark.
KIRA
You greedy, misogynistic, untrustworthy little troll! You better stop selling off parts of this station or I'll have you locked up!
QUARK
You would? I don't think so!
On hearing Quark's voice, Major Kira undergoes a strange transformation.
KIRA
What was I saying? You're a cute little troll. You always have our best interests at heart.
QUARK
Of course I do!
Kira's badge beeps.
SISKO
Ops to Kira. Have you solved our problem?
KIRA
There never really was a problem. Quark is just being his usual considerate self. Did you know he is considered a saint in some parts of the Galaxy?
BASHIR
This is REALLY strange. Major Kira has NEVER liked Quark!
DAX
You're right. She once called him 'The Armpit of the Universe". There have been other incidents like this in the last few days. Anyone who talks to Quark comes under his influence.
ODO
Except for me.
DAX
You aren't really a humanoid life form. You're a changeling whose natural form is a liquid blob. You are probably immune to Quark's charm.
ODO
Are you calling me all wet?
They are interrupted by an urgent message.
SCOTTY
I'm at docking bay 15 & 3/4ths. Your visitor, Mr. En Hytes, is choking to death! Something is stuck in his throat.
DAX
Maybe it's Quark's bill.
Dr. Bashir rushes to the docking bay, with a metal baton in hand. Sisko follows him. Bashir takes the baton and hits Hytes on his right knee. Hytes howls in pain. This dislodges whatever was stuck in his throat.
BASHIR
It worked!
SISKO
What did you do?
BASHIR
Its four centuries old. For some odd reason its called The Harding Maneuver. Mr. En Hytes, don't you feel better now?
EN HYTES
But my knee hurts!
BASHIR
But there's nothing stuck in your throat.
EN HYTES
My knee hurts!!!
BASHIR
Well, you can't have everything!
Sisko returns to station ops. A saucer shaped ship emerges from the Bajoran wormhole.
DAX
I'm getting old style radio transmissions from the saucer. They say they're from Earth. They want to find Alpha Centauri.
SISKO
Man, that ship is really lost!
O'BRIEN
I'm sending them to docking bay pi.
SISKO
Isn't that a little irrational?
Some of the crew from the saucer soon leaves the docking bay and arrives at the Promenade. As they approach Quark's casino, the robot starts flailing its arms.
ROBOT
Danger! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Bad business practices! Overcharging! Rip-off!
The middle aged man speaks.
DR. SMITH
Quiet, you ninny!
WILL
Dr. Smith, I don't think it's safe here.
SMITH
Nonsense! This gentleman (he points at Quark) is just an ordinary business man.
ROBOT
Right. And you're as honest as the day is long.
QUARK
Dr. Smith, are you dishonest? Sneaky? Conniving?
ROBOT
Don't forget cowardly.
SMITH
Quiet, you bubble headed booby!
QUARK
Dr. Smith, you're my kind of guy! Have any good ideas for owning the Universe?
Smith nods. Dr. Smith and Quark start exchanging ideas. Soon, it is obvious they have hit on something.
Cut to a shot of station ops main view screen. Smith and Quark are on the screen. Their transmission is to the entire galaxy.
QUARK
Hello, Galaxy! We are Quark Inc. We now have a completely legal patent on the subatomic particles called quarks. Since they make up all ordinary matter in the Galaxy, all of you have to pay us royalties. Anyone living anywhere owes us money! We are located at Deep Space Nine, near the famous wormhole. Quark Inc. accepts cash, credit cards and gold pressed latinum. In some cases, we'll even take your first born. More details will be coming later. And have a nice day!
Cut to a shot of the look of shock on Sisko's face. Dramatic music and cut to commercial.
ACT IV
A shot of all the officers in station ops.
SISKO
This is awful!
KIRA
You're right. He didn't tell us how much we owe.
SISKO
How can we stop this? We can't talk to Quark in person or we'll fall under his spell.
KIRA
What's so bad about that?
SISKO
See what I mean.
ODO
I can confront Quark.
SISKO
But there's only one of you. There must be ....
Sisko is interrupted by another transmission from Quark Inc. This time, only Dr. Smith appears on the view screen. He is holding a small copper cube.
SMITH
I am holding a cubic centimeter of copper in my hand. It contains 8 x 1022 atoms of copper. Each copper atom has 65 nucleons and each nucleon has three quarks. What does this mean? For all you Non Rocket Scientists it means lotsa of money for Quark Inc. For us at Quark Inc., this little piece of copper is more than worth its weight in gold pressed latinum. The going rate for each quark is one tenth of a piece of gold pressed latinum. Do the math. This cube is worth 1.56 x 1024 pieces of latinum! You can send your money to Quark Inc. on Deep Space Nine. You should be getting your bill by the end of the month. If you don't pay up, we'll just have to repossess the universe!
SISKO
Opinions?
DAX
He sounds a lot like a Cylon I used to know. Quark must have talked to a patent judge to get his ownership of quarks. If we could just make that judge see reason.
ODO
Almost no one sees reason after talking to Quark. Somehow he is getting almost supernatural help.
DAX
Not supernatural, but omnipotent! Maybe Q is helping Quark!
SISKO
That at least makes some sense. Q is probably doing this just to annoy us.
DAX
There is a vessel approaching. It has the configuration of a Joyce class starship. According to its ID beacon, it's the USS Finnegan.
SISKO
That's impossible! The construction of the Finnegan was delayed.
DAX
Why?
SISKO
It kept fighting for resources with the USS Kirk. The real Finnegan is still in space dock.
O'BRIEN
According to sensors, it's a real starship. But, as you said, it can't possibly be the real Finnegan.
SISKO
Then what the hell is it?!
DAX
I don't know. Whatever it is, it is leaving behind an electromagnetic wake. And it has a message!
SISKO
What message did you get from the Finnegan's wake?
DAX
Benjamin, this is really strange! The message repeats over and over.
BASHIR
Well, stop keeping us in artificial suspense! What is the message?
DAX
The message is: "Three quarks for Muster Mark".
Everyone looks puzzled.
Cut to a shot of the Promenade. Quark also hears the message.
QUARK
They want me. I'm so popular they want three of me! I've got to beam over to that ship. Dr. Smith, mind the store while I'm gone.
Quark takes a lift to station ops and walks towards O'Brien.
QUARK
Beam me to the bridge of the Finnegan.
O'BRIEN
What do you think I am? A Transporter Chief?
QUARK
Just beam me to the Finnegan.
O'Brien, like Kira before him, undergoes a strange transformation.
O'BRIEN
Of course I will. Do you also want my first born?
QUARK
That won't be necessary.
They go to the nearest transporter room. Quark steps on the transporter platform.
QUARK
Energize.
Quark materializes onto the bridge of the Finnegan. A voice says "Energize" and the room is filled with Energizer bunnies.
QUARK
Cute trick. Who are you?
There is a flash of light. Q appears in the uniform of a Starfleet admiral.
Q
You've gone too far this time.
QUARK
You're upset with my actions?
Q
Personally, no. But there are beings even more omnipotent than the Q that will not let you own the universe.
QUARK
What?
Q
They are the R continuum. They almost gobbled up the Q in a hostile takeover bid. They insist that you no longer hold patent rights for quarks. In fact, they want to strip you of your charm.
QUARK
You can't do this!!! I've built up some very profitable businesses in the last few weeks. If my charm is gone, I'll have thousands of angry customers!
Q
I hearby remove your charm.
QUARK
I don't feel any different.
Q vanishes in a flash. Quark materializes at his casino. The formerly frozen Klingon lunges towards Quark with a knife, falls and stabs himself with his own knife.
DR. SMITH
Bad news. Everyone is on to you. They want their money back.
Odo arrives at Quark's place.
ODO
Quark, you are charged with counterfeiting. You tried to pass off sheets of toilet paper as ancient Bajoran currency.
QUARK
No I didn't! It's all a tissue of lies!
ODO
There a hundreds of people on this station willing to press other charges. Who is this person with you?
QUARK
That is my partner, Dr. Smith.
Smith becomes indignant.
SMITH
That is an outrage! I had nothing to do with this seedy establishment.
QUARK
to Dr. Smith You would make a very good Ferrengi.
ODO
Quark, what is your defense? There are also charges of extortion and fraud against you. There are many who want you behind bars for a long time.
QUARK
But I'm already behind a bar! I own a bar!
Cut to another part of the Promenade.
Commander Sisko, Major Kira and Gul En Hytes are making their way towards Quark's.
KIRA
... and I must insist that you return the most important symbol of Bajor's faith!
EN HYTES
The tableware used by the first Kai.
KIRA
Yes. And it must be the ORIGINAL tableware, made of polyethylene, not some cheap porcelain copy.
EN HYTES
I assure you that every saucer, cup and plate will be made of polyethylene. And it will be the original.
KIRA
Commander, I believe we've made some real progress here.
SISKO
Excellent! Odo, are you making any progress?
ODO
I have two "gentlemen" who would sell their own mother if they had a chance.
SISKO
(in a low voice) I intend to be somewhat lenient, but let's put some fear into them.
SISKO
(in a loud voice) I say we should lock up Quark for life.
ODO
On what grounds?
SISKO
Basic physics. There is no such thing as a free quark.
Roll closing credits.
THE END
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